On Life with Lynnie (LwL) today, I'll be addressing the issue of grief, once again.
If you read yesterday's LwL entry, you'll be aware that my now deceased husband was pronounced dead about 12:30 a.m. on October 10th, 2009. That date was Saturday. Just like today.
It was the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend.
To me, this gives me pain as if Gordon died on two (2) dates. One on the 10th, and one on the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend. :(
It seems that no matter how hard I try, the pain doesn't leave me.
While talking with my friend A about how her husband and my mom both had been unplugged, she and I both agreed that there was major differences between what they experienced and what Gordon experienced. Her husband and my mom, both experienced being unhealable. Their lives were not going to continue on. But, Gordon's was.
As I've said in the past, he was not only stabilizing, his brain swelling was reducing. CT scans they showed me, proved this.
Even so, due to the medical staff worrying that he may possibly not be healthy when he awoke, they decided to end his life. They didn't want him to wake up. Just as they told me, and some family members.
What a terrible ordeal to go through.
Not just for Gordon, who was given morphine before they finalized the unplugging. But, also for me to live with.
Why does this hurt me? He was healing. And, the hospital confirmed this. Yet, they didn't want him to wake up.
When I asked them if they were sure Gordon would be brain-damaged or be like a vegetable, I was told they didn't know. But, they didn't want to take the risk of having him wake up, in case this happened.
Would you feel any different, if you walked this mile in my shoes?
I have no idea. God does, though.
One thing I will say, is that I forgive them.
Just as God wants us to do. But, my heart still breaks.
I praise Him for providing for me.
Not just for helping me through that heartbreaking and disgusting medical situation. But, also for helping me to deal with the issue on a regular basis.
Does this mean I do not cry? Absolutely, not.
While tears run down my face emotionally speaking, whenever I think of this horrible ordeal. I do not always physically cry.
However, when it comes to thinking about this, on dates that have heartbreaking meaning to me, I do cry.
Thinking of this, brought to mind John 11:35, "Jesus wept."
Am I wrong to weep, at times like this? No.
His doing this, shows us that while He was 100% God, He was also 100% human. Plus, it shows us that He understands why tears sometimes run down our faces. Especially, since we are not gods, but only human.
As I said earlier, the thing I am grateful for most, is that He helps me.
Every day. Always. Concerning this trial of life, and others.
For this, I will always be thankful!
Until next time...
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