Saturday, January 5, 2013

The Heart...

In yesterday's Life with Lynnie (LwL) entry, I wrote about New Year's Eve

And, about how I grieved for Gordon, once again.  Even though I thought I had come to terms with his death.

Spending New Year's Day alone, gave me time to once again think about how others celebrate with friends and family. 

I didn't feel depressed.  Especially, knowing that it was better for me to not be around anyone sick, at this time, when I was still healing from abdominal surgery that happened only days earlier.

That night, in my sleep, I dreamt of Gordon.  And, his mom.  My mom.  And, some other people.  All of whom, were deceased.

Wow!  What a way to wake up!  Realizing that I had been in a dream with all dead people!

At least I didn't feel despondent.

That evening, as I was reading some blogs I follow, I was shocked to read what was written.  One woman, who was not living with her husband, due to some marital problems, became widowed.

Since I had only recently come across this blog, I was sort of catching-up.  She had commented that even though she and her hubby had some problems, they just couldn't bring themselves to sign divorce papers.  Because, the truth was, they still loved each other.  Even if they felt they couldn't live together, 24/7.

It was shocking to read that at the age of 43, her husband died.  Without any warning symptoms.  About six (6) weeks before my husband died.  Apparently, her husband had heart troubles no one was aware of.

The shockwave that overcame her was heartbreaking.

As I read what she was writing about how she no longer wanted to live, all those horrid grief feelings overcame me, once again.

Think it's silly?  Well, let me tell you, that I cried for close to three (3) hours.  I related to this woman, totally.

No matter how I tried, I just couldn't stop tears from flowing.

Eventually, I made myself climb into bed.  Those feelings never left me.  When I awoke the morning of Thursday, January 3rd, I still felt overwhelmed with grief. 

Is it wrong to mourn?  Not in my opinion.  Nor God's, so it seems.

In Ecclesiastes 7:4 He tells us, "The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth." 

As I'm sure you are aware, I trust God for everything in my life.  Including dealing with this grief. 

How comforting it was to be reminded that it is okay to grieve.  I just wish I knew when it would end.

Until next time...

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