A week before Christmas, on the Sunday evening of December 18th, after reading my Bible, I decided to scroll through the channels to see what was on television.
On CBC, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, with Chevy Chase, had just begun. At first, I thought I would change the channel. After a second or two (2) of thought, I changed my mind.
Being a rare time since my husband died, I found the courage to watch a show that Gordon loved, like that Christmas movie. It was one that Gordon and I enjoyed watching, together.
Just the thought of recalling how he would laugh, prevented me from watching it, after he died. He would literally shake with a full-body rocking motion, while laughing aloud.
It didn't put a smile on my face watching it, but I am glad I did.
I'm hoping that by next year, I'll be able to actually enjoy watching it, and other films that bring those memories to the forefront of my mind, instead of feeling like I want to avoid those memories.
Unfortunately, it is still heartbreaking for me to recall Gordon. Even though my Lord helps me daily, it is still so very painful when I reminisce.
So, is the idea of being alone, at Christmas.
Oh, I know. I spent time with my family; I'll be writing about this, tomorrow. For this I am grateful. Truly, grateful. I know, I am blessed. After all, this Christmas, as a family, we made memories!
Still, it is not the same, when someone you love, is no longer with you.
It feels like something is missing. Of course, the reality is, someone is missing. In the case of a spouse, it's the other half. In my case, it's the other half of me.
Part of me is gone. Forever.
The question becomes, will I ever be healed of this? Will God restore my life, in the future, to include someone else for me to love and to be loved by?
God's will is always done. Since He knows the end from the beginning, only He knows. And, only time will tell.
Meanwhile, I just need to take a deep breath, stay calm and trust that my Lord will help me through this lonely time. If you're like me, grieving the loss of a loved one, please know that I will be praying for you, throughout this time of celebration of not just our Lord's birth, but also into the new year.
Always remember that Jesus loves you.
He loved you so very much, that He came to earth knowing He was fulfilling God's plan of redemption for us. He came knowing He would die on a wooden cross for your sin, my sin, and the sin of all who will believe.
To me, the amazing thing is that God loved us so much, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).
For this, even in my grief, I will be eternally grateful. And, joyous! Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!
Until next time...
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