Thursday, December 15, 2011

Alive and Well?

After having such a busy week, both for work and with regards to book sales efforts, Saturday was truly a let down for me.

Like the good girl I am, I began my day at the YMCA/YWCA (Y) at opening time; 8:00 a.m., because it was Saturday.  On my way home, I did some shopping.

Bored?  I was.

Throughout the day, I felt tired.  Dragging myself around, I managed to do some work on my Christmas cards/gifts for clients and friends.

To be honest, I felt rather depressed.  At the time, I couldn't think of why.  I just knew that I felt low in spirit.

My personal trainer friend M, had invited me to join her and her husband at the legion for some dancing and fun time.  After feeling like a fifth (5th) wheel the weekend previously, sitting there all alone, I didn't relish the idea.

Then, a thought occurred to me.  I called my neighbour/friend K and asked her if she wanted to go to the legion.  She replied that she didn't.

Well, that made me decide what I was doing.  I was not going to subject myself to watching my friends up on the dance floor, enjoying themselves, while I sat like a bump on a log, all alone.

Why do I need to go out to be alone?  The thought of that turned my stomach.  After all, I can stay home and do exactly the same thing.  Be alone, I mean.

And, alone, I was.  Like almost every other day and evening of my life.

I stayed home, feeling all the while, like I just wanted to fall apart.  Actually, for a while, I did.

The next day, my Lord's day, in retrospect, I realized what the problem had been.  Saturday, had been the 10th of the month. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  Whenever the 1st of the month and the 10th of the month comes along, I feel sad over losing my husband, Gordon.

Even though I haven't been writing much about this, I am still affected. 

I try to not think about it.  In fact, this month, I didn't really think about it.  But, like normal for me, the grief/sadness overwhelmed me once again.  This time, without me even thinking about it or realizing the date.

I suppose this just goes to show that our sub-conscious is alive and well, even when our brain is not always in gear.

Until next time...

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