Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Packing Up...

All week I've been writing  in Life with Lynnie (LwL) about health care, family issues and Gordon.

As I am sure you are aware if you've been reading lately, the 10th of this month, Thanksgiving Monday, was the second (2nd) anniversary of Gordon's death.  I mentioned previously, that I sat at his grave wondering if life would be different for him, had I died and he lived.

While I sat at Gordon's grave, I was upset that I am the only person grieving him.  Even so, that's not what I want to write about, today.  There was something else I thought about, that deserves mentioning.

After praying, crying and talking with God and Gordon, I decided that somehow, someway, I need to change my life.  I don't know how to do this.  But, I recognized that day, my need to do so.

As I mentioned in previous entries, I thought God was changing my life for the better, with the conferences I was scheduled to speak at.  But in the end, it seems God truly wasn't changing my life at all, for they were cancelled.

As I sat at Gordon's grave, I once again felt helpless, crying out to God for help.  I recognize I need healing.  I asked for healing.  I know I need to build a new life.  But, where does one begin to do this, especially at my age?

After making my plea to God, I sat quietly in my lawn chair.  A thought came into my mind.  It wasn't a new idea or development.  It was a need that seemed to resurface. 

Still, it seemed like a reasonable place to begin.  All I needed to do after deciding to act upon it, was to actually do it.  However, even thinking about the issue choked me up.  How was I going to accomplish this? 

You're probably wondering what I decided I needed to do next.  Well, I realized that I could not move forward with my life, as long as I still had Gordon's belongings with me.

As I thought of disposing of Gordon's clothing, I felt like my heart would break.  After all, just the thought of getting rid of his belongings, felt like I was throwing my husband, away.  Yet, the thought of keeping his things, broke my heart, too. 

That's when I realized that while I was feeling very low in spirit, it was actually the best time to pack up his clothing.  Otherwise, if I waited until I was more calm and less upset, I probably wouldn't want to feel all this upset, once again.

So, that's what I have been doing all week, whenever I found I had time and the strength to do it.  Packing up Gordon's clothing.

Now, the question is, what to do with it?

I thank God for the strength and grace He's given me this week.  I thank Him for you, who care enough to read what I write.  I thank Him for prayer.  May God bless each of you.

Until next time...

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