All week I've been writing in Life with Lynnie (LwL) about health care, family issues and Gordon.
As I am sure you are aware if you've been reading lately, the 10th of this month, Thanksgiving Monday, was the second (2nd) anniversary of Gordon's death. I mentioned previously, that I sat at his grave wondering if life would be different for him, had I died and he lived.
While I sat at Gordon's grave, I was upset that I am the only person grieving him. Even so, that's not what I want to write about, today. There was something else I thought about, that deserves mentioning.
After praying, crying and talking with God and Gordon, I decided that somehow, someway, I need to change my life. I don't know how to do this. But, I recognized that day, my need to do so.
As I mentioned in previous entries, I thought God was changing my life for the better, with the conferences I was scheduled to speak at. But in the end, it seems God truly wasn't changing my life at all, for they were cancelled.
As I sat at Gordon's grave, I once again felt helpless, crying out to God for help. I recognize I need healing. I asked for healing. I know I need to build a new life. But, where does one begin to do this, especially at my age?
After making my plea to God, I sat quietly in my lawn chair. A thought came into my mind. It wasn't a new idea or development. It was a need that seemed to resurface.
Still, it seemed like a reasonable place to begin. All I needed to do after deciding to act upon it, was to actually do it. However, even thinking about the issue choked me up. How was I going to accomplish this?
You're probably wondering what I decided I needed to do next. Well, I realized that I could not move forward with my life, as long as I still had Gordon's belongings with me.
As I thought of disposing of Gordon's clothing, I felt like my heart would break. After all, just the thought of getting rid of his belongings, felt like I was throwing my husband, away. Yet, the thought of keeping his things, broke my heart, too.
That's when I realized that while I was feeling very low in spirit, it was actually the best time to pack up his clothing. Otherwise, if I waited until I was more calm and less upset, I probably wouldn't want to feel all this upset, once again.
So, that's what I have been doing all week, whenever I found I had time and the strength to do it. Packing up Gordon's clothing.
Now, the question is, what to do with it?
I thank God for the strength and grace He's given me this week. I thank Him for you, who care enough to read what I write. I thank Him for prayer. May God bless each of you.
Until next time...
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