Sunday, October 16, 2011

H. B. & More About What If...

Today, being the 16th of October is important to me for two (2) reasons.  Firstly, it is my eldest grandson's birthday.  Happy Birthday, T!

In addition, today is the anniversary of the day Gordon was buried, two (2) years ago.

If you read yesterday's Life with Lynnie (LwL) entry, you'll know that when I sat at Gordon's grave this past Monday, the second (2nd) anniversary of his death, I thought about something I had never before considered. 

I thought about what would life be like for Gordon, had I died before him; if it were me lying in the grave, and not him.  If he was alive, and I was the one dead.  Since he could fend for himself on a physical level, I knew that whenever he told me that he couldn't survive six (6) months without me, it was an emotional response of his love for me.

Even though I know he loved me, I sat at his grave side pondering this whole scenario. 

A thought occurred to me.  One that I never dreamed I would ever think of.  I wondered if he would truly have died from a broken heart, or if he would have moved on with his life.

I wondered if he would have remarried. 

After all, two (2) years doesn't always seem like a long time, but when a person is lonely for their loved one, it can feel like an eternity.  For me, each day seems like a year, without Gordon.

If you've been a long time reader of LwL, you'll know that from time to time, I've run into and even written about people who were widowed.  People who had remarried within a relatively short time.  Less than five (5) years.  Even one person who remarried within the first year, claiming they didn't believe anyone should be alone in life.

Being alone in life can be a problem for some people.  At times, it is a problem for me.  I believe that as we age, the importance of having someone to love, to care for and to be loved and cared for by, is very important.  Without loving companionship, I feel like I have no life.

Some of you may think I idolized Gordon.  Well, if you thought this, I woudn't agree with you.  He wasn't perfect.  If there was anyone on the face of this earth that knew this, it would be me.  I did not idolize him.  I loved him.  Even with all his faults.

Even so, when I looked into his eyes and could see the love there for me, it made me feel fulfilled.

I've had people, especially women, comment about how handsome Gordon was.  Yes.  He was handsome.

This was not why I felt fulfilled being with him.  It was a case where I truly loved him.  And, still do.

Although I must say, he was a babe magnet.  I'll have to continue this, tomorrow.

Until next time...

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