Friday, October 28, 2011

In Gratitude...

While not everyone has been supportive of me, during one of the worst years of my life, I would like to take the time to thank all who have been so very supportive of me. I know I could not have made it, without my Lord Jesus, nor without your love and support.

In the beginning, when Gordon first collapsed, I clung to God, praying and believing that it was His will to heal Gordon.  As you know, in the end, it proved to be not God's will for this. 

When Gordon died, I cannot say that I immediately grieved or mourned, for I truly felt like I was in a state of shock.  Not just shocked because Gordon died, but shocked that God had not answered my prayer in a positive way.

Breathing was a challenge.  Even just taking a breath, was painful, physically.  If I could have just willed myself to stop breathing, I would have.  Never, in my wildest dreams, did I ever think I would experience such pain and sorrow.  NEVER.

My gratitude to those who loved me enough to pray for me, feed me, call me, visit me, have me over to their homes, out for meals, movies, and generally just support me, is something that I cannot express in words.  Thank you.

Many of you, probably long ago, grew weary of listening to me or reading about my pain, suffering and sorrow.  Thank you, for your patience and love.

The year filled with 'firsts' finally come to a close.  Never again, will I experience the first birthday, Christmas, New Year, Valentine's, anniversary and more, without Gordon, for these times have now passed.  And, I somehow survived, by the grace of God.

While I survived the first year without my loving husband, I cannot say I lived through it, for I truly didn't live.  I just existed. 

The second year was certainly not easier. 

Mostly, I felt like I died, once again; sort of like I did, after the collision I was involved in, with my bus.  Only, my body didn't know it, and kept on breathing.

After all, my husband was, as the Bible teaches, my other half.  So, I suppose it would be more accurate to say that half of me died, when Gordon died.

There were times, when I wished and prayed with all my being that God would find it in His heart to remove me from this veil of tears and take me home, to be with Him and Gordon.  But, He didn't.

There were times, when I wished I could just go out for bread and never come back, not wanting to feel any more pain than life had already dished out. 

I thank God for giving me the wisdom to know that no matter where I could have gone, I could not have escaped the pain, suffering and sorrow that came with losing my husband.

Mourning is not easy. I have come to the conclusion that it will probably never end, for I believe that Gordon will always hold a special place in my heart.  My widowed friends tell me they still grieve, after many a year.

I am hoping and praying that my grief, will take a turn for the better, soon. That I will once again be able to think upon my Gordon with love and happiness, without falling apart.

Why did I write about this, today? 

Well, as I was driving in Windsor, I passed by the plant where Gordon had worked, and once again burst into tears.  I guess this is just the way grief is. 

I'm grateful that it is not like this every day, now; that I only have to suffer this, from time to time.  Thank You, Lord!

Until next time...

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