As I write today's Life with Lynnie (LwL) entry, I want you to know that I will understand if you are confused about or misconstrue what I am saying, here.
It's not easy, even with having a fairly good command of the English language, to get a point across without someone, somewhere misunderstanding or misinterpreting a concept trying to be made clear.
Please don't think I am depressed. I'm not. At least, I don't believe I am! What I believe I am doing is being realistic about my life. I'm not looking through rose-coloured glasses.
Most people have dreams for their future. Some, do not. I suppose I fall into that category of those, who do not.
I used to have dreams and desires to look forward to. But, no longer.
This all changed. Not when Gordon died, but even long before then, when I realized I had absolutely no control over him, meaning with regards to things he did as he lost his mind, his health issues, and/or treatment. Or, lack there of.
I don't even dare to dream of happiness.
God has shown me that He just really doesn't have a plan for love and marriage, for me. If He did, my life would have been different.
Instead of being a lifetime of pain, sorrow and sadness, my life and marriage would have been a wonderful adventure complete with love, happiness and fulfillment.
Am I feeling this way, because I am overwhelmed with the negativeness that has surrounded my life? I don't think so. I look at this from a different viewpoint.
I know for certain that God is in control of all things. He knows the end from the beginning. He knows everything about me; my past, my present and my future. He holds me in the palm of His hand. I know He loves me.
God also loved Job.
Look what happened to him. God allowed the evil one to literally destroy Job's life. Job lost his children, his livestock, his prosperity, and even his health.
Job's friends turned against him, claiming he must have done something terrible to deserve such treatment from God. His wife even suggested he curse God and die.
Well, I can honestly say, I am not quite as bad off as Job, for I still have a few people in my life who care for me. I thank God for this.
Even so, I sometimes feel like a female Job, living a life unparalleled by most, filled with hardship, stress and lack of love.
But, my life doesn't end there. I continue to look to my God, for refuge. Just as He restored Job's life, I believe He will restore mine.
The hardest thing to accept is... when?
Until next time...
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