Were you shocked yesterday, reading that the conference(s) where I was scheduled to speak, were cancelled? Maybe not, because I alluded to the fact, over the past few days entries on Life with Lynnie (LwL).
As I said previously, it was shocking to me! In fact, it was somewhat devastating.
Not just due to the fact that my work for my Lord seemed to end, before it began, but also because of the timing. The timing could not have been worse.
Every year, at this time, no matter how much I pray about it, I just cannot seem to shake off the effects of the post-traumatic stress (PTS) I feel over the bus collision I was involved in, in 1980. Maybe that is because I am still not healed from this terrible disorder.
In any case, I began to feel rather horrible, as I do every year.
When Gordon was alive, I would normally make every effort to shake off this annual recurrence. Even the last time we were together for September 30th, Gordon did what he could to help me through the day. And, this was only a day before he collapsed, was hospitalized and eventually died.
Last year, was absolutely horrid.
Last year, not only did I face September 30th with the same old emotional feelings, but just knowing that the following day was the anniversary of the last time I heard Gordon's voice, finished me off. I was a proverbial basket case.
This year, I felt that I was doing rather well.
This year, I felt that God was changing my life from something from one of a history of pain and suffering, to one of fulfillment. After all, He was changing my life, so I could work for Him in a way I had never thought would happen.
I had felt like I was doing better this year, with regards to the post-traumatic stress and the memory of that fateful day that changed my life, forever. I resolved to just continue praying, asking God to finally heal me of this horribleness. I truly thought He was helping me.
Of course, the evil one had to find his way into ensuring I would be traumatized once again, this year.
Being saddened by the loss of opportunity to work for my Lord, gave me one more reason to feel loss, once again. It saddened me enough to weaken me so that my mind became in turmoil, as it has done in the past, every year.
Thoughts relating to PTS and my resolution to be totally healed, gave way to those painful memories of the past. After all, stress seems to set it off. I could feel myself becoming tearful, once again.
My mind was in such a dither, that I actually forgot about attending a luncheon the other day. Believe it or not, I even had a ticket for my meal, but didn't attend.
It took me a couple of days to come to terms with myself, once again.
God helped me.
He provided people once again, who needed to feel Christian love, support and a listening ear, for me to pray with and for. His work will never be done, as long as there are those in need.
I always feel that when I help someone else who is hurting, I am helped, too.
So, after all is said and done, I must say that God is good to me. He knows my needs. He always seems to provide for me. Even though He doesn't always answer my prayers in my time, He seems to do so in His time.
Ah... just another trial to teach me patience, I presume! I'll just trust in Him, as I always do.
Until next time...
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