Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A Dream/Nightmare...

After arriving home early in the evening, last Friday, I had some real estate work to do. 

Later, I went on Facebook (FB) for a while, updating, doing work for God, and chatting with a few friends, while watching some television.  Yes, I usually do multi-task!  It's quite simple, especially while using a laptop computer!

Knowing I was absolutely exausted from all the walking, shopping and eating I had done earlier in the day, I thought bedtime should come earlier than normal.  This didn't end up happening, but I must say, I did fall asleep almost immediately, after reading my Bible for a short time.

I actually slept like a log, through most of the night.  As per normal, if I fall asleep early, I awoke early.

With my back aching, I got up for a few minutes and decided to head back to bed, especially since the sun had not yet risen.  I tossed and turned.  Prayed.  Eventually, I fell asleep.

Being able to fall aseep was shocking to me, because that is something I am hardly ever able to do.  Usually, once I am awake, I am unable to return to sleep.

I even dreamed.  That is something I seem to rarely do anymore, since Gordon died.  Dream, I mean.  Well, I need to qualify this; yes, I dreamed, but it was more like a nightmare.

Gordon was in my dream.  In my dream/nightmare, he was rather depressed and had been pulling away from me, falling into dispair.

Still in the dream, Gordon had disappeared and I had awoken (in my dream) to find a friend of mine consoling me, as I had been crying in my sleep.  My heart wanted to go find him; to be with him, console him, love him.

The worst part for me about this dream/nightmare, was that when I physically awoke from dreamland into reality, I was actually crying.

It was heartbreaking for me to wake up, this way. 

Not just because I had dreamed of my now deceased husband, which is something I have hardly ever done, but to have experienced such a cruel story while still in never-never land, instead of dreaming of my love, in a heart-warming way.

In my dream/nightmare, my friend who was with me when I awoke, told me that Gordon had said to her that he was leaving and never coming back.  She made it clear to me that I needed to move on.  That Gordon was gone from my life, forever.

In real life, this happened to me, recently, too.

A fellow realtor, whom I had been friends with for years, even before either of us began selling real estate, had a conversation with me.  Usually, our conversation is about work, with only the usual greetings that are courteous.

This conversation had been different, though.  This time, after the usual niceties, and business discussion, he asked me when I was going to move forward with my life.

He asked me why I didn't have a man in my life, letting me know it was time to move on, forget the past, and the love I have for my husband.

Lord, give me strength!

Even as I write this, tears are streaming down my face.  It's not that I don't want to move forward with my life.  It is more a case that I just can't seem to do it.

The thought of having someone in my life, other than Gordon, just breaks my heart, still. 

Again, Lord, help me, please!  I need grace, that can only come from You.

Until next time...

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