Wednesday, August 10, 2011

A Killer...

Ever since the beginning of the month, I've been trying my hardest to not allow myself to become overwhelmed with grief, once again.

From time to time, I've succeeded.  However, on those special days, like Gordon's birthday being July 31st and the 1st of August being the anniversary of his collapse, I just cannot seem to not feel sorrowful.

Today, is the 22nd month anniversary of Gordon's death.

Last evening, I could feel myself once again struggling.  In fact, even as I was driving yesterday, I struggled.

You see, while driving yesterday, I passed by what's left of a structure that is being torn down.  It was the site of the old Grace Hospital, where I had surgery, where some of my grandchildren were born, and where Gordon was born.

Stopped at the light, I began to cry.  Lord, if there is a way to heal me fully from this grief, please do so!

At home, it's hard to deal with grief at times.  Sometimes, I feel happy looking at furniture and keepsakes that remind me of Gordon; then, there are other times when I look at those same items and all I can do is cry.

There are times when I feel like this grief is a real killer.

Of course, I looked around my apartment and realized that in some sense of the word, I am a killer.  Okay, don't lose your cool!  I haven't murdered anyone.

However, I have murdered a few plants.  Gordon was always the gardener in our family, not me.

For some reason, I have the proverbial black thumb.  It seems I cannot keep plants alive, for some reason.  No matter what I do, they just seem to die off.

You might think this is strange, but the plants that were positioned beside Gordon's recliner chair have all died.  In fact, only one (1) plant is alive, and that one is a Christmas cactus that I received after Gordon died.

This week, the final plant that Gordon loved kicked the bucket.

Part of me thinks they missed him.  Just as I do.

The plants nearest where he sat, are all gone.  One plant flourished while Gordon was alive, so much that he was continuously splitting and repotting it.  In fact, he had done this just a few days before his collapse. 

I was going to give one of those two (2) pots away again, but it didn't happen, because one of them died, almost immediately after Gordon died.  The remaining one, is now gone.  Like Gordon.

Gone forever.

No matter how much prayer, love and affection there was, it just wasn't enough to keep all alive.

Until next time...

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