Thursday, June 16, 2011

Not Quite Yet...

Last night's sleep was much like my recent nights, except that I didn't wake up 100%.  I felt like I was in a state of paralysis, where I wanted to get up, but just couldn't.  What I mean is, my mind was awake and alert, but I just couldn't get up, for my body was absolutely exhausted!

It seems to me that my mind just will not let go of grief. As I've stated in the past, every month my mind takes over and I feel like part of me has died. I suppose it is because part of me has died. My Gordon.

For some reason, I have been feeling more and more upset over Gordon's death. Why this is happening, I have no idea. It seems to me that as time goes on, I should be feeling better, not worse.

Well, I suppose I do have an idea of why I have lately been feeling this way; at least as of yesterday.

In late afternoon, I spoke with my friend J, who works at the cemetary where Gordon is buried.  During our conversation, she asked me if I have been busy.  Of course, I replied that I had.  I also let her know that I had not only been busy with work, but busy with death.

Over the course of the previous week, I had been at either funerals or funeral homes six (6) of the seven (7) days.

When J heard this, she was so very upset with me.  She made it clear I absolutely should not be doing this.  After a little more conversation, she explained that for at least the first five (5) years, people grieving should avoid death/funeral homes/funerals as much as humanly possible, for it tends to bring back all those grief feelings all over again.

Then, this morning, a friend of mine who is a minister, let me know that in his opinion, my sleep problem is related to my grief.

Well, I suppose these friends know better than I, for I am only experiencing the problem.  The trouble is, in my opinion, there is no availability of sorting out of the problem to provide quick healing for me.  Unless of course, God gives a miracle healing!

In my employment and in my life, I have always looked at a situation or problem and tried to find the best solution possible. It is so very frustrating to me, to realize and know that there truly is no solution to this problem I am experiencing, whether it be easy or not.

Prayer is about all I can think of doing. 

Every day, I still ask God to heal me.  Every day, I don't wake up in heaven, but I wake up here on earth, still having to cope with grief.  It just has not gone away.

Since God doesn't always answer prayer with a resounding yes, I suppose I must consider that He is also not saying no, but rather... not quite yet.

Hey, to some like my friend J, it may seem like I am rushing wanting to receive healing for grief, but to me, I feel like I am just slowly dying, a painful and drawn-out death.  Okay.  So, I am impatient!  I just want this pain to end.


Until next time...

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