Friday, June 10, 2011

Breath After Breath...

Anyone who knows me personally, knows that I am a widow.

If you've been a reader of Life with Lynnie (LwL), you'll know that every month right from the first (1st) of the month, my mind somehow just seems to go into grief mode. 

The first (1st) is the anniversary of the last time I spoke with my husband and heard his voice.  It's the anniversary of the day he collapsed and was hospitalized.

As time marches on, I seem to be able to cope somewhat better.  Then, as the ninth (9th) approaches, I once again go into serious grief mode, again.  This was the day of the month, when it was my husband's last day on earth.

By the time the tenth (10th) arrives, the climax has occurred.  My husband died at 12:30 a.m., after he was removed from life support.  Once that time has passed, I seem to feel some relief.  It's now been 20 months and it still happens.

Why this happens, I truly don't know. 

It's been upsetting to recall how my Gordon was removed from life support, against my will.  But, there's more than that.

Even though I have great faith in God, it seems I just cannot come to terms with losing my husband.  No matter how hard I try to not let it affect me, it does.

No matter how much trust I place in my Lord, the pain is always there.

Recently, I spoke with a friend who is a widower.  He is a very strong Bible-beliving Christian.  Even so, he admitted to me that after his wife died, for a long time he prayed every night that God would take him home.

While this was amazing to me, to hear my friend say this, it wasn't shocking, really.

Every night, I still pray asking God to allow me to go to sleep without problem, for I seem to have a sleeping problem that I cannot overcome.  Some nights I sleep better than other nights.  With or without melatonin.

Every night, I still pray asking God to not let me wake up here on earth, but rather, allow me to wake up in heaven, with Him.

After hearing from so many people like myself, who are grieving the loss of a spouse, I honestly believe that I am absolutely normal, feeling this way.  Even knowing this doesn't seem to provide any comfort.

I've heard it all from friends who care.  I realize God has a plan for my life.  I realize I must find a way to go on.  I know that I am happy that if Gordon can't be with me, that he is with Jesus, in heaven.  None of this truly provides comfort.

I've even wondered if I should stop doing so much for God.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I do a lot of work for God, both in real life and in cyber-space-life...on the internet.  Part of me believes that is why God has not yet taken me home.  Where I want to be.

When I think a thought like that, I repent, quickly.  The reality is that I cannot stop working for God.  He commanded us to do much for Him.  He told us that to whom much is given, much is expected.  And, I want to be obedient to Him.

If I were to stop working for my Lord, He would just see me as being disobedient.  That's not what I want.  I know it's not what He wants.  For we both look forward to the day, when He will say to me, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

So, I'll just carry on and rely on God's grace to get me through each day.  Breath after breath, I will continue to show Jesus that I love Him, that I want to be obedient to God and follow the lead that the Holy Spirit guides me with.

Until next time...

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