If you read yesterday's entry, you'll know that I met with friends B & K at a BBQ event, sponsored by the Union Local that both Gordon and B were members of.
You'd also know that I left after about 40 or so minutes of trying to get comfy while seated in a chair that was not only lop-sided due to being in an area of unlevel ground, but also due to the ground being soaking wet from all the rain we've had recently. Even our table was high on one end and low on the other!
This created such pain for my already hurting neck and back from recently overdoing things, that I just couldn't stay. I felt badly about leaving B & K, but knew they would have a great time, without me.
Before I say what I need to say, I want you to know that the reality was, I was truly hurting, physically. At the time, I could see no end in sight, either.
However, what I wasn't prepared for was how I felt emotionally, while there.
It was only as I approached the BBQ area, that I had pangs of heartbreak that Gordon wasn't with me. I actually wondered if it had been a mistake attending this fund-raiser BBQ.
While I enjoyed my time with my friends, there was something else that I found was upsetting. Until my conversation with B & K earlier in the day, I wasn't aware there was actually a party planned, with live music from three (3) bands.
Apparently, organizers hoped people would not just visit, but party hardy!
Once I had arrived and saw with my own eyes, people mingling and having a great time in this party atmosphere, I began to feel sick in my heart that I was there, without Gordon.
On separate occasions, a couple of men B knew from work came over to our table and chatted. Courteously, B introduced to these men his wife K, and me, adding that I am Gordon's wife. But, he didn't say Gordon, he said Gordy.
The same thing happened with both men. Smiles left their faces and they shook my hand, telling me how sorry they were about Gordon dying.
This threw my heart into a mode of dispair, once again.
I know these people meant well. Please don't misunderstand. I don't believe anyone did or said anything to upset me. It's just where my heart and mind is, at the moment. It's still breaking.
Feeling like a fifth (5th) wheel, out of place, not knowing many people there, I sort of reflected on whether or not I should have attended in the first place. I knew in my heart I had done the right thing, for we all agreed that if the response wasn't good for this first (1st) gathering, there wouldn't be any in the future. So, I suppose in reality, it was good I went.
As I said previously, even though I felt badly when I left, leaving my friends there, I knew they would have a good time, without me. It was sort of like a reunion for B; a good time spent with cronies.
As for me, I wondered as I left, if God hadn't purposely made me have physical pain, to give me a valid reason for leaving.
It was only as I was leaving that it truly hit me, that I was alone, without my husband. I cried all the way home. Even as I write this, I feel heartbroken.
It just goes to show that I still need healing. Your prayer would be appreciated. Thank you. May God bless you.
Until next time...
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