In yesterday's entry, I said I was blessed beyond belief. I was.
However, while writing this entry, I feel a little bit differently. I feel stressed beyond belief.
Oh well. That's life. Nothing happens that surprises God. Only us. Put a smile on your face Lynnie, pull up your socks and get on with life.
It's not that life was bad yesterday, for it truly wasn't. I worked hard. Yes, it was more stressful than it usually is, but I managed to get through what I needed to do.
Truly, I was blessed in some ways. I was able to spend a bit of time with one of my grandsons, J. Afterwards, his Mom (my daughter) met me at my church, for a Mother/Daughter dinner. In fact, both my daughters joined me, there.
I was grateful being able to spend some time with my family. Thank You, Lord!
My life in general is just not reflective of what I want it to be.
Okay, I know. You're going to tell me to stop whining, unless I want some cheese to go with it. Maybe, that's the problem. Maybe, I just cannot be happy any more.
I'm just truly tired of being alone. I miss Gordon.
Even though I am not posting this until at least the late evening on May 10th, I am writing this, just minutes before it became 19 months since Gordon died.
See, the sadness is killing me. Grief takes over, whether I like it, or not. I cannot seem to feel better.
I keep praying God will heal me. He hasn't, yet. Daily, I remind myself that I need to be patient. But, it's hard.
I miss feeling loved. I'm tired of feeling like a loser, when it comes to love. Yet, that's the truth. I have not been blessed that way.
It's easy to say that I have friends who love me, for I do. It's easy to say the same about some of my family, for I believe God is restoring part of my life.
But, nothing replaces the feeling of being loved by a spouse. Wanted. Needed. Cherished.
Instead of feeling complete, fulfilled, etc., all I feel is empty. Void. A non-entity any longer.
Whether I like it or not, there's nothing I can do about it. So, I must just take a deep breath and carry on. Well, what other choice do I have?
Until next time...
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