Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Stressed Beyond Belief...

In yesterday's entry, I said I was blessed beyond belief.  I was. 

However, while writing this entry, I feel a little bit differently.  I feel stressed beyond belief.

Oh well.  That's life.  Nothing happens that surprises God.  Only us.  Put a smile on your face Lynnie, pull up your socks and get on with life.

It's not that life was bad yesterday, for it truly wasn't.  I worked hard.  Yes, it was more stressful than it usually is, but I managed to get through what I needed to do.

Truly, I was blessed in some ways.  I was able to spend a bit of time with one of my grandsons, J.  Afterwards, his Mom (my daughter) met me at my church, for a Mother/Daughter dinner.  In fact, both my daughters joined me, there. 

I was grateful being able to spend some time with my family.  Thank You, Lord!

My life in general is just not reflective of what I want it to be.

Okay, I know.  You're going to tell me to stop whining, unless I want some cheese to go with it.  Maybe, that's the problem.  Maybe, I just cannot be happy any more.

I'm just truly tired of being alone.  I miss Gordon. 

Even though I am not posting this until at least the late evening on May 10th, I am writing this, just minutes before it became 19 months since Gordon died. 

See, the sadness is killing me.  Grief takes over, whether I like it, or not.  I cannot seem to feel better.

I keep praying God will heal me.  He hasn't, yet.  Daily, I remind myself that I need to be patient.  But, it's hard.

I miss feeling loved.  I'm tired of feeling like a loser, when it comes to love.  Yet, that's the truth.  I have not been blessed that way.

It's easy to say that I have friends who love me, for I do.  It's easy to say the same about some of my family, for I believe God is restoring part of my life.

But, nothing replaces the feeling of being loved by a spouse.  Wanted.  Needed.  Cherished.

Instead of feeling complete, fulfilled, etc., all I feel is empty.  Void.  A non-entity any longer.

Whether I like it or not, there's nothing I can do about it.  So, I must just take a deep breath and carry on.  Well, what other choice do I have? 


Until next time...

If you would like to comment, please e-mail:  lifewithlynnie@gmail.com