Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Distress & Healing...

Yesterday, I was very down in spirit.  You may or may not have recognized this, if you read yesterday's entry.  But, I was.

In fact, both Sunday and Monday, I was like that.

So many things had been happening in my life that were of a heartfelt nature, I didn't realize what had happened.  I thought at first, that this low feeling was due to those occurrences.  When I thought this, it made things worse, because then I emotionally beat myself up for thinking in that manner.

After all, I am not normally a person who allows outside influences to affect my demeanour.  But yesterday, I just lost it!

To my Facebook (FB) friend, who I cut short and was not very patient with, I apologize.  The same goes to anyone else who may have felt I was a bit short-tempered.  I apologize.

This is not normally how I live my life.

Usually, I am a calm, collected person, who can handle stress.  Except for the last couple of days, it seemed.  Both Sunday and Monday, I just felt like I wanted to go out for bread or milk and never come back, again.

I have to laugh whenever I say something like that, because although it accurately describes my mood, an action of this sort would have no bearing on my life at all!  lol  After all, I live alone. 

There is no one to miss me.  There is no one to care whether I live or die.  So, what use would it be to go out for milk or bread and never return home, again?!  :-))

I must admit that living alone is no pleasure.  It's unfulfilling.  Lonely.  Distressing to me, at times.  It allows me too much time to reflect on the hurts of my life and reflect on how awful I believe my life is, now.

Of course, writing my book has been affecting me, too.  Writing about some of those hurts, even if God has helped me throught them, has once again opened up all those not quite healed wounds.

I am so very thankful that God loves me.  I realize I am not perfect, have never been perfect, and never will be perfect until I have been called home, to be with my Lord. 

He loves me, even with all my defects.  Unlike most people I know, in the world today.

This morning, I felt improved.  As I prepared for my day, I prayed and asked God about this.  Why was I feeling improved?  What was it about Sunday and Monday that had been so distressing to me?

He responded in my mind.  He reminded me of today's date.  May 3rd.  Then, it hit me.

I'm not sure how many people have believed me in the past, when I have said that even when I don't consciously think of the date, my mind seems to unconsciously do so.  Sunday and Monday, were May 1st and 2nd.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  Even though I hadn't consciously thought about Gordon collapsing on the 1st and being admitted into hospital on the 2nd (just after midnight), my subconscious obviously had.

So, I must ask you to not just forgive me, if I wasn't myself and hurt you in any way, but I will also ask you to pray for me.  I need healing.  Thank you.  May God bless you.

Until next time...

If you would like to comment, please e-mail:  lifewithlynnie@gmail.com