Truly, I am so grateful God has saved me.
This weekend was a real strain for me. If you've read Saturday's entry, you'll know that Gordon and I had been married on the Saturday of Easter weekend. I wasn't a happy camper, that day.
In addition, I have been feeling really sick. Headache, sinus, sore ears and throat, lungs... coughing, etc. I'm sure this didn't help.
It was more than this, though. I realized that even if I hadn't had these problems, I probably still would have felt badly.
Over the course of my lifetime, several other things had happened to me, all on the Saturday of Easter weekend. None of them, good.
At the time when I married Gordon, I thought that I had put all of this other stuff from those days in my past, behind me. I thought God had given me something good to focus on, to remember, from that day forward.
And, it was good. At least, as long as we were married. Now, Gordon's death is just one more heartbreaking thing to add to my list of horribleness that I have endured in my lifetime, especially on Easter weekend.
What I realized, was that God was showing me that even though I thought I had dealt with those other things, I truly hadn't come to terms with them, fully. Otherwise, they wouldn't have bothered me, so much. I wouldn't have remembered them, with upset.
God has a way of opening up stuff from my past, that I need to deal with. I suppose this means He wants me to deal with it all, now.
After all, God wants us to forgive. God forgives, and forgets, never more remembering our sin, once He has forgiven. As far as the east is from the west.
The apostle Paul told us, we need to forget that which is past and press on towards the mark of the highcalling in Christ Jesus. No one can do this, erasing past hurts, totally... unless God is a participant in the process.
He doesn't let us just sweep the garbage of life that some of us tote around, under the carpet, forever. He wants us to be clean vessels, who can focus on Him. Love Him.
So, it's time for me to think about these issues and pray about them. I can't say I've prayed much about those experiences, for they happened many years ago.
God will help me sort this stuff out. I truly believe that He is doing a work of housekeeping, in me. Sorting me out. Making me a clean vessel.
Shortly after Gordon died, I met a woman who had recently remarried, after living as an unhappy, lonely widow. She told me it took so-o much longer for God to clean her out, than her new husband, after he lost his wife. She also said that she thought it was because she had much more garbage to clean out, than her husband did. This woman was glad God had done this, for otherwise, a new relationship would have been impossible for her.
Baggage. That's all it is. Heartbreaking as it is, it's all just stuff. Garbage. Nothing to write home about. Nothing to be concerned with, for anyone but me.
So, I'll just take this garbage to the foot of the cross and give it to Jesus. He'll work it out. Of this, I am sure.
Until next time...
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