Last night was just awful.
I crawled into bed, totally exhausted, after almost falling asleep in my livingroom, in my comfy recliner chair. Did the sleep fairy find me? No! Not for many hours!
How can this be? This is something I go through, regularly!
Ah, but then, it hit me. The date. It was after midnight when I crawled into bed. The ninth (9th) of the month. The last day before the tenth (10th).
Call me crazy. Maybe I am. I cannot really say. I just know that even without consciously thinking about it, I tend to fall apart every month on the ninth (9th). The date of the last day of Gordon's life.
As I've stated in the past, it's not just it was his last day on this earth. Although that is heartbreaking enough, knowing he died just after midnight, about 12:30 am on the tenth (10th) of the month. The 10th of October, 2009. A year and a half, ago. It's also about the suffering. His. Ours. And, now... mine.
Can it really be this long? One and a half (1 1/2) years? It's absolutely mind-boggling to me, to realize this. At times, it seems to have flown by. But, on a daily basis, time seems to drag, filling my heart with brokenness.
Last night, I found myself once again praying. Praying that God would find it in His heart to allow me to fall asleep in my bed and allow me to wake up in heaven and not here on earth. I suppose you can tell God didn't bless me by granting my prayer! lol
Lord, only You can help me. Help me, Father. Lord Jesus, heal me, please.
I truly don't know what to do about this, anymore. I feel like I've done everything possible. I've honoured Gordon's life, written in his memory, talked about him and his suffering and subsequent death. I've prayed to God to wipe my memory clean of the heartbreak that led up to his eventual shocking hospitalization and death.
Friends have been patient, listening to me. Praying for me. Helping me. Keeping me busy. Including me in activities. Encouraging me.
What more could anyone ask?
I know I will feel better after 12:30 am, Sunday morning. When the time on the clock reads the time Gordon was pronounced dead. Usually, after this, I feel a peace come over me, even if the sadness is still there for the day.
Father, I pray You will bless each and every friend, whether a friend in real life, or in cyber-life. Thank You for each one. Thank You for providing for me, always. You promised to always make a way of escape when we are faced with sin. Well Father, I feel like it is almost sin in my life, that I just cannot seem to come to grips with this most heartbreaking of trials. Even if it is not sin in Your eyes, I realize that I cannot do this life, alone. I am grateful You are with me, for without You, I would already be dead. Help me, Father. Heal me. Continue to provide for me, as per Your will. I just pray it is Your will to heal me. Thank You, for the hedge of protection You provide not just around me, but also around my dearest of friends and family. I pray it is Your will to provide for the needs of each one, Father. I thank You in advance for this. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
Until next time...
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