Friday, March 4, 2011

Wave of Grief Returns...

As you may have read, the sadness of grief overcame me once again, at bedtime Monday night.  Well, actually early Tuesday mornng, for my alarm clock showed it was after midnight.

Coming over me like a wave, I felt like it was going to knock me out.

I could feel my heart racing.  I could hardly catch my breath.  In fact, had I just not been able to breath at all, it would have made me happy.

How can I go on like this?  Every month, it's the same thing.  Every month, at the beginning of the month, I feel like this.  Missing Gordon; knowing he collapsed and was hospitalized on the 2nd and died on the 10th of October, 2009.  17 months ago.

The pain of grief, when it overwhelms me like this, is so intense, I feel like it will kill me.  The problem is, it doesn't.

Consequently, the pain goes on and on...and on...

I got myself up and out of bed, for I didn't want to create any noise to disturb my neighbours.  If I were to cry loudly, I would rather do so in my livingroom, for my neighbours on the other side, are away for the winter.

It seemed that no matter how much I prayed for God to intervene, He didn't.  I just could not stop crying.  Hour after hour, tears streamed down my face.

How could anyone cry so much?!

It took until about 5:00 am, before I was able to stop crying and calm down.  It was probably because at that time, I was exhausted.  Totally spent.

After sleeping for about three (3) hours, I was once again up, and running for the day.  Did I feel any better?  No.  Did I carry on, anyway?  Yes.  Even with a smile on my face, from time to time.

Did this feeling fade over time, throughout the day?  No.  In fact, it's after 11:00 pm, and once again, my eyes are spilling out tears.

How could one person cry so much?!  The only good news I can think of, is that once the 10th is over, I should feel improved. 

Enough, that others will probably think I am dealing well with my grief.

Until next time...

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