Sunday, March 13, 2011

Truly Shocking!

Something happened to me this past week, that truly shocked me.

By this time, after 17 months have past since Gordon's death, I never expected this to happen.  For me, while 17 months feels like an eternity, it also feels like yesterday, when I recall the events that led up to Gordon's collapse and in the end, his death.

As per usual, as I have commented before, it seems right from the first (1st) of each month, until the 10th, my emotions seem to flow like I am riding on an extreme roller coaster.  This month (March), I didn't even have to think about the calendar date, for my subconscious mind seemed to do it for me.  It seems that I have a built-in alert system, to remind me.

I know; it's all part of grief.  Well, truly, I wish it would end.

In any case, as per normal for me, I posted an entry on Gordon's wall, on Facebook (FB), to remember him and when he died.  I did the same for the page I created for him, In Memory of Gordon McKenzie.  And, since FB changed the system from automatically posting this on my wall, I posted the message there, too.

The response was overwhelming.

You should know that I do not make entries of this sort, to receive responses.  I made this and other similar entries in an effort to ease the pain I feel, whenever it overflows from inside me.

It truly was shocking to see about 50 responses.  Not all in support, but all made with love. 

Many people hadn't known or understood that Gordon's death wasn't as a result of his body just passing from this life to the next, but as a result of early termination to end his life.

This month's FB entry released from me some feelings regarding how the hospital took away my decision power, concerning Gordon's care and how they pulled the plug on him, against my will.

This has been on my mind a lot lately.  Probably due to the family in the news with their baby son, as I have written about, lately. 

Actually, even though it is painful, I am rather glad this occurred, for it showed me that I needed to release my feelings regarding this aspect of Gordon's death.

While speaking with my neighbour/friend K, from across the hall, who has been trained as a chaplain, this issue seemed to open the door for other stresses that I have had to deal with in my life.  And, she pointed this out to me.

Like the situation where I had no control over being involved in a major collision years ago, caused by over tired, pill taking driver of a truck, who told me after court that he only stopped for a few beer, before blacking out and hitting my school bus.

Like having to deal with numerous problems that developed in my life, after this collision.  Not just lift-changing disability, but life trials that affected every area of my life.

Like, not being treated fairly and honestly by WSIB, an entity that was originally set up to help injured workers, but who today, seems to be there not to help/protect injured workers, but to aide/assist business owners.

And, probably some other issues in my life.  One thing each had in common, was the fact that in each circumstance, I didn't have all.

Secular therapists always stress that we need to be in control.  Every counsellor has told me this, in the past.  It's funny, but the reality is that none of us are in control.  Not if we belong to God.

There is more to be said about this, but I will have to continue writing, tomorrow. 

Until next time...

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