If you've read Life with Lynnie (Lwl) recently, you'll know that my grief is no longer constant.
No, I don't mean that I don't feel grief at times, but rather, that I am better able to deal with it, from time to time. Still, when the waves of grief come over me, they overcome me.
Of course, life has its diversions. Working, exercise, time with friends, etc., but the reality hits home, when I come home.
It's not a case that I don't like being alone.
Certainly, peace and quiet, with no disturbances, is a lovely diversion, from time to time. Especially if I want to read a book or an important article, or even write my blog entry. Yes, I believe there are times when everyone appreciates some alone time.
But, the feeling of being alone, in the sense of not having someone to love and to love you in return, is heartbreaking. Especially, when you had someone to love, who loved you; but, now, they're gone. Never to return.
Sure, I have the love of friends, for God has blessed me with some wonderful friends.
In addition, God has been in the process of healing my relationship problems with my children. So, I've been able to spend more time with family, than at times in the past.
And, I praise God and thank Jesus, for this. For the love He shows me, regularly. For the love, He has allowed in my life.
But, none of those kinds of love, make up for the love that was lost when my husband Gordon, died.
I know. I've been told by people, that I should be thankful that I ever experienced love like I did with Gordon. I realize that many people never have a love relationship like we had. I am thankful.
From my point of view, it's hard to deal with the pain of loss, because I know that the chances of ever feeling love like that again, are slim to nil.
Let's face it, if someone has never experienced what I have experienced, they cannot possibly know how it feels to have it, or to lose it.
Besides, I feel like I haven't yet finished dealing with all the life trauma that I experienced with Gordon. If I hadn't had Jesus in my life, I truly don't know how I could have ever dealt with the pain, suffering and sorrow that together, we experienced.
Well, at least Gordon is no longer suffering. He's in heaven, rejoicing with Jesus!
Now, it's only me suffering. No big deal, I guess. After all, what I am experiencing is all part of God's plan for my life. The pain, lonliness and heartbreak shall pass. Eventually. When God wills it. Or, when He decides to take me home.
Even so, Lord Jesus, come...
Until next time...
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