Thursday, March 3, 2011

Roller Coaster Ride...

As I wrote about yesterday, Monday was a busy, but productive day.

In the evening, I wrote my Life with Lynnie (LwL) entry and posted it, while I was watching The Bachelor, on television.  Just after I settled in to relax and watch the show, my telephone rang.  It was a long distance call.

My Facebook (FB) friend N, called from California.  N is my friend who was the originator of The Women's Bible Study Group on FB.  She is one of the reasons I was made an administrator on the site.

N is also the woman who phoned me recently, to let me know that the Celebrating Christ Conference will be happening early in November, this year.  As I mentioned previously, I have been invited to speak and sing at this conference in Wichita, Kansas, USA.

My heart skipped a beat when I heard N's voice.  I was so-o very happy to hear from her! 

We spoke about our lives and of course the upcoming conference.  Before we ended our call, we prayed together.

By the time I hung up, I was feeling elated.  Joyous.  Filled with peace and contentment.

I watched the end of The Bachelor and went on Facebook for a few minutes.  Eventually, I made the decision to head to bed, where I read my Bible for a while, as I normally do.

Just before shutting off the light, I set my alarm for the morning.  Of course, I looked at the clock.  No big deal?  Well, for me, it turned out to be a big deal. 

You see, as I laid in bed, my subconscious must have been working overtime once more.  All of a sudden, I began feeling upset, once again.  Tears streamed down my cheeks, onto my pillow.

Not wanting to make any noise to disturb my neighbour, I got up out of bed and went to sit in the livingroom, where I continued crying for what seemed to be hours, but in reality only about an hour.

Feeling cried out, I once again headed for bed.  After all, by this time, I was feeling totally exhausted.  Did I sleep?  No.  Once again, my pillow began to become soaking wet from my tears that just would not stop.  So, I got up, again.

What was the problem?  Well, it's the beginning of the month.  As I said, subconsciously, I must have realized it was the first (1st) of the month.  What comes after the first (1st)?  The second (2nd). 

It happens every month.  I seem to go through the same thing, month after month.  It seems like I am on an emotional roller coaster for about 10 days, every month.

On March 2nd, it was 17 months since my husband Gordon, collapsed and was hospitalized for eight (8) days, until his death on the 10th.

It's not like I think about it on purpose.  I have purposely prayed to not think about dates and reminders. 

I've cried out to my Lord, to help me not experience these grief feelings any longer, but still the feelings arrive, time after time, without me even consciously thinking about it.  The sadness and sorrow that overcomes me, just takes over. 

Father, since You are in control of all things, I am asking You to help me, please.  I pray it is Your will to take away this grief that destroys the peace I feel that only comes from You.  I thank You in advance, for this.  In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.

Until next time...

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