God's Word in 2 Corinthians 4:8 tells us that, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair." As Christians, we sometimes suffer, greatly.
That's the way I feel, at times. Especially when I think of my now deceased husband Gordon, and the life of hell he experienced towards the end of his life. And how I lived it, along with him.
Today, is another one of those calendar days, when I just wish I could crawl into bed, pull up the covers and forget that life exists. Unfortunately, this is not something I can do, even if the thought sounds good.
For those who aren't aware, today would have been Gordon's and my wedding anniversary, had he still been alive, sharing life with me.
At our wedding reception, we had the Phantom and Christine come to entertain us; Gordon and I both loved The Phantom of The Opera. Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again with me Gordon, is a lovely, but useless thought, now that you are gone from this earth. Still, the song is excellent. Here is a link:
Unfortunately, you will never return to earth to be with me, again. Now all that is left for me, is to Learn to Be Lonely. Another song worth providing a link to:
How fitting that I watched The Phantom of the Opera, today. It reminded me how our lives had been of a phantom love. A love we thought would last forever, but elusive in reality. A love that was not meant to be.
No, I didn't intend to wish Gordon Happy Anniversary. He's in heaven, not here on earth. Once we, as Christians, leave this earth there is no such thing as marriage. And, Gordon is in heaven. However, when I was out at the cemetary, at Gordon's grave, I found myself doing just that. Wishing him Happy Anniversary.
Well, I suppose if the Apostle Paul can say that there are things he does that he doesn't wish to do and things he wouldn't do, that he finds himself doing, it must be okay for me.
Ultimately, my wish for Gordon means nothing, for he's not here and he's not alive.
There is a song that I truly love, by Sovereign Grace, called: It Is Not Death To Die. Here is a link, so you can enjoy it, too:
As displayed at the end of the song, God tells us in Philippians1:21, "To live is Christ and to die is gain."
For me, as a Christian who clings to God's Word, to live is definitely Christ. To die, will definitely be gain. As it was for Gordon.
Gordon may have died a human death, but he is alive in heaven, made whole, enjoying each day with Jesus.
Yes, I can be happy for him, but I am sad for me. Never did I ever think I could cry so many tears. While Gordon is in heaven, joyously being with his Lord and Saviour, I still have to suffer through this life, alone.
While for me to live is Christ, it doesn't mean that I don't suffer in grief agony, for I do. As time marches on, I cannot say it gets easier to live with, because it truly doesn't. However, I have reached a point, where I can now be glad that Gordon is no longer suffering.
One day, my suffering will end. But as of today, it hasn't.
Today, I am recalling the day we were married and how happy we were. Recalling all the dreams we shared and plans for our future. A future that no longer exists.
I am grateful to my Lord, for providing me the years with Gordon that I had. I am grateful for the love we shared. I am grateful for Gordon's love for me, for him always wanting to shelter me from harm, protecting me and providing for me. I am grateful for the love I have for him, for this love will never die.
While I don't know what God has in store for me, in the rest of my life, I am grateful that He is in control. I pray that His plan is to fully heal me, and stop this feeling of loss and heartbreak that I feel. Quickly.
But, the reality is that God doesn't always take into account what we want, for He has His plan for us and will fulfil it, in His time.
Until next time...
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