Thursday, February 10, 2011

No Matter What...

All day, on Wednesday, February 2nd, even though I didn't mention it sooner, I just couldn't focus on much, except the fact that it was 16 months ago that very day, that Gordon collapsed.  That it's been 16 months since I heard my love's voice.

I can't stand this.  Every month, I feel somewhat improved, but there are times when it's the same thing, over and over.  Like during the dates when Gordon collapsed and died.  I suffer greatly.  Does everyone suffer like this, in their grief after losing a soulmate spouse?

Lord, where are You?

Every month, I cry out to You, to help me.  You do.  Yet, I wonder why must I suffer like this, repeatedly?

Just once, I'd like to be able to live through the 2nd and 3rd days of the month, and the 9th and 10th days, without feeling overwhelmed.  Without brokenheartedly recalling the culmination of Gordon's suffering.  And, mine too.

Just once, I'd like to be able to not feel stressed as those dates grow close.  Just once, I'd like to be able to live through those dates, without upset, dispair or tears.  Just once, I'd like to feel like I'm not going to die myself, as I live through the flashbacks that burden me.

Well, okay.  Just once really won't cut it.  I need healing.  Permanent healing.  Healing that can only come from God.

Lord.  When are You going to heal me?  When is this pain going to end?  When will my suffering stop?  I keep trusting You, but each month, it's the same thing, over and over again.

People wonder why I sometimes feel that I wish You would just take me home.  I truly cannot stand living, like this.  I keep feeling like I cannot do this.  Yet, somehow You bring me through, each time.

Right now, it's a few minutes after midnight on February 3rd, as I'm writing this part of this entry.  It's about the time, when the emergency room doctor at Metropolitan Hospital asked me if I wanted Gordon treated, or just kept comfortable until he died.

It's about the time, when I had to ask my Father in heaven, to guide me and provide a miracle for my husband.  It's when I told the doctor I believed God could provide a miracle, so if they really didn't know what was wrong, I wanted Gordon to receive treatment.  It's about the time when the decision was made to transfer him to Hotel Dieu - Grace Hospital.

How can I go on like this?  Would you want to feel this way, if you were in my shoes?

I feel so very let down, Father.  In many ways, Lord.

The pain is so-o severe.  I really cannot stand this.  I can't do this; not without You, Lord. 
I don't understand where You are, Lord.  Why haven't you healed me?  Why is it Your will that I continue to suffer in grief?

Father, You alone know the plans You have for each one of us, plans to prosper us and not harm us, to give us hope and a future.  I know this; I believe this.  I come to You regularly, asking You to heal me from this grief that is destroying me, slowly.  Like dying a slow death, myself.  Your will is always done.  Your ways are not our ways, so it is impossible for me to understand why You would allow me to suffer this way.  You may not be causing my suffering, but You are allowing it.  What purpose could it ever serve, Lord?  Haven't I suffered enough, in this life, Lord?  When will You feel I have suffered, enough?  I look to You, for everything in my life.  You do help me through these heartbreaking times.  But, Father, this pain and sorrow has to end.  I pray it is Your will for You to heal me.  Heal me now, I pray.  I ask this in Jesus' name and trust You, for the pending healing that I believe I will receive.  Again, in Jesus' precious name I pray.  Amen.

Yes, this is the way I feel every month.  No matter how hard I try to not feel this way, it happens. 

Now, it's the 10th.  Later in the day.  Believe it or not, I feel improved, now.  I can only suppose that it is because I have survived another anniversary of when my life blew up, when my future was destroyed.

I've received messages from people from time to time, who feel that I am holding onto my pain, for no reason.  All I can say to those people, is that I pray you never have to go through what I've been through, with the suffering with Gordon, the troubles that went with it and with the grief that I've had trouble dealing with.

God has been my refuge.  There's no other way I could have ever gotten through what I have experienced, any other way.

Recently, I came across Christian music that says it all, about the way I feel of how I am getting through this ordeal.  The song is sung by Kerrie Roberts and is called No Matter What.  Here's a link:

Hopefully, you enjoyed it.  That's how I am getting through this horrible grief.  Trusting matter what.

Until next time...

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