Saturday, February 5, 2011

Break the Pattern!

After leaving my friend M's Sunday night, I just couldn't stop thinking and feeling frustrated.

Being partially disabled and being rheumatoid arthritic, isn't fun.  It's difficult getting exercise, even though I know I need to do it.  My first choice is exercising in a pool; some people call it aquafitness.  Finding a pool hasn't worked out well, either.

One gym nearby has a salt-water pool where you have to climb a staircase to get to.  Neither the stairs thrill me, nor does the salt-water, for I do not know how my eye problem would react to salt-water.

Another nearby pool is a regular pool, but was very cold in September, when I checked it out.  At the time, I thought I wouldn't take out a membership, because if the pool was cold enough that a woman entering the pool was shivering in September, how cold would it be in February, when the ground is frozen, beneath and surrounding the pool?!  Besides, anyone arthritic should not enter a cold pool.

Consequently, I have not resumed pool exercise.

All Sunday evening, I thought and prayed about M's offer.  Come and try, she had said!

Up until about a year and a half ago, when my Chiropractor treated me with the computerized system that was able to adjust up higher in my cranium area, than he could physically adjust; and when my neck went pop and I felt relief for the first time in almost 29 years of debilitating pain, I always said no to her and to others who offered me a chance to workout.  Why?  Because any time I tried to work out, my body would experience such severe pain and spasms, I would be out of commission, sometimes for days.

No matter how I tried, I just could not stop thinking about M's offer.  I prayed about it.  All evening.

Knowing I have an agreement with my physician who cares for me regarding my diabetes condition, and knowing I'll be seeing him in April, I know I have to make headway in keeping my sugar level under control.  This was happening with my summertime pool exercise. 

If I don't have it still under control, I know he will want me to begin taking insulin by injection.  No way Jose!  Needed or not, I won't do it.  Of course, I also don't want to cause my body any problems, either.  So, I know that even though I have been trying to exercise within my apartment, the quality of exercise is probably sufficient for my need.

By bedtime, I thought I had put out of my mind, everything that could cause me to not sleep.  I was wrong.  Once again, I just could not sleep.

It seems that every time I climb into bed, knowing that Gordon's side of the bed is empty, I begin to cry.  I cannot seem to control this, anymore.

Just like other recent nights, I got up and cried for what seemed like hours.

Eventually, I calmed down.  After reading my Bible for a time, I turned on my computer.  About 3:45 am, Facebook (FB) friends were telling me to shut down my computer and go to sleep.  Believe me when I say that having my computer on, was not keeping me up.  My mind was.  Well, I did shut down my computer, but it was because my morning Windsor Star had arrived.

After reading the paper and doing the puzzles I enjoy so much, I finally felt tired enough to sleep, so off to bed I went.

This has become a bad habit, even if it is just part of my grief.  Getting into bed and becoming emotionally upset, I mean.  Upset enough to cry for an extended period of time.  Somehow, I need to break this pattern, for it has been happening for a long time, even if I had not been writing about it.

If you believe in prayer, please pray for me.  Thank you.  May God bless you, for this.

Until next time...

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