Before I begin today's entry, I would just like to say that had my Dad been alive, today would have been his birthday; Happy Birthday, Dad!
If you read yesterday's entry, you'll know that after spending the afternoon visiting at three (3) funeral homes, I felt horrible and cried many tears.
What I haven't told you about, is what happened at the last funeral home I attended.
You may have read that this was the one where my co-worker/Realtor friend's wife's visitation was being held. Unfortunately, she lost her battle with cancer. My friend truly loved his wife. He knew I had been praying for her.
As I approached my friend's family and began speaking with them, my friend stepped forward and greeted me in typical Italian fashion, taking my hand and kissing me on both cheeks.
I don't know whether it was because I had been to so many funeral homes that afternoon and thought so much about the pain and sorrow of losing a loved one, or what it was, but for the first time ever in a serious situation like this, I began to feel myself losing it. Losing control of myself.
Never, ever before, have I ever done this. In my mind, I began asking God to help me. At first, I thought He was. Helping me, I mean.
In a quiet voice, with what I thought was full composure, I told my friend that I was very sorry about him losing his wife.
Usually, God gives me grace and the words with which I can convey my condolences. Not then! Not only did I actually go blank, but I felt rather awkward, since my friend and others gathered around us were looking directly at me.
Then, I blurted out how I had prayed for her; my heart was breaking, thinking (but not commenting) that once again, God didn't answer my prayer in a positive way. I thought they were expecting me to say something more, but no words came out of my mouth, other than, "I'm so sorry. So very sorry."; which I said, repeatedly.
I could feel tears welling up. I didn't want to cry. I'm Christian. I know that for a believer, to be absent from the body is to be with the Lord. I turned away from him for a moment and looked at the casket where his wife was laying.
Turning once again to look at my friend, I said, "She's not suffering, anymore."
I wanted to tell my friend that while his wife's suffering had ended, his wasn't going to end, just because hers had; I wanted to tell him that his suffering was going to change and begin in a different way, than while she was alive and sick. But, I didn't.
By this time, I didn't think I could say another word without bursting into tears, for I could feel them beginning to exit from my eyes. I turned and walked away. My mind is such a blur over this incident, that I cannot even recall saying 'goodbye' to my friend.
Tears just flowed. And flowed.
Not being able to get a grip on myself, I realized that this was not going to be the day that I fulfilled the promise I had made myself a while back. I had promised myself to begin the new year, by trying to do things to help me on the road to beginning a new life.
I had promised myself that in the new year, I would go to the bank and place Gordon's wedding band, that I had been wearing, into my safety deposit box.
Truly, I just wasn't strong enough to do this, being totally overwhelmed. Why? I don't know. I just know I was. So, I just made my way home, to cry some more.
Just so you know, the following day, I called my friend, after his wife's funeral and apologized. He was very gracious. May God bless him and heal him from grief, quickly; his family, too.
Until next time...
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