Saturday, January 15, 2011

Illness, Tears & Death...

By the time Wednesday arrived, I was really ill.  And, exhausted.

Coughing so much, that my ribs hurt, propped up uncomfortably on pillows so I can breathe, I don't know why I set my alarm, for I felt like I didn't sleep at all, but just cough, cough, coughed all through the night!

In any case, I got myself up, only to realize that I just could not function.  So, I took my vitamins, some asprin and sat myself in my recliner chair.

I thought to myself that at least I would be able to relax and watch one of my favourite travel shows on Create channel (PBS).  Rick Steves' Europe.

Murphy's law was a live and well.  As I said, I was so wiped out physically speaking, that I actually fell asleep in my chair, in front of my television, that was airing the programme I had looked forward to seeing.  I awoke about 45 minutes after the programme began.  Since it was a half (1/2) hour programme, I had missed the whole thing.

Not to worry.  It replayed later in the day.  I was awake and watched it, then.  Rick was in London, England.  As it turns out, I had seen this episode previously, but it didn't matter, for I love being in London.  Today, it made me cry, for I knew that I would never again, visit in London with Gordon.

What's a few more tears?

I had cried in the morning, when both my daughters let me know that my cousin E, who lives in Lake Havasu City, AZ, USA, had posted on Facebook (FB) that her husband had died through the night. Once in control of myself, I called her, giving condolences from me and my family.

During our conversation, my cousin told me she was feeling okay about her husband's death.  He had suffered greatly, for a long time.  I recall when I attended grief counselling, hearing that some people who find themselves in a situation such as this, fare well through grief, for they have usually had time to grieve, even before their loved one died.  Death brought relief.

I wish I could say that.  Sometimes, I feel like God must be very disappointed in me, for it seems that my grief has been hard.  But then, it seems to be that way for some people, when death circumstances are shocking.  All I can say is that I am glad God loves and puts up with me.

Life is just so-o hard.  Some people think its a gift, but I have trouble feeling like that.  I know that my salvation is a gift from God, but if anyone lived my life in my shoes, I am sure they would also have trouble believing life itself, is a gift.  For, to me, it's one huge trial.

Of course, God could change all this, one day.  lol  The question is, "Will He?!"  Why God would veer from His past course of allowing me a life filled with trials, is beyond me.  I can hardly imagine anything good happening to me, in my life.  As I said in the past, I sometimes feel God just wants me to suffer, until I finally go home to be with Him.  Only time will tell.

Maybe I feel like this, because I am physically sick at the moment.  I hope that's all it is, for I know that when I am not feeling well, it's hard to be upbeat and positive.  However, this too shall pass.

God has blessed me with good friends.

My friend J, from Christian Singles' Cafe, dropped by my home.  Well, sort of.  She knocked and ran off to catch the elevator, leaving two (2) servings of Swiss Chalet chicken soup, at my door.

Later, J told me by phone she had buzzed my friend/neighbour K to let her in, not wanting me to come to the door to greet her when she dropped off the soup.  Aha!  This explained why K and her friend J were at K's door, when I found the soup!

While getting ready to leave, my friend K called me to see if I needed anything, because she was going out of town for a couple of days.  At first, I told her I didn't need anything, but then realized I didn't have any Lipton's chicken noodle soup mix.  Rather than pick some up for me, she left at my door a couple of envelopes of the mix.

I'm blessed.  Thank you J and K.  I'm blessed having friends like you.  So loving.  So kind.  So generous.  May God bless you both, for being such a blessing to me, in my time of need.  Know that I love you both, and pray for you, regularly.

So, I suppose I can say that life could be worse, even though it hasn't been what I had hoped it would be.  God is in control and His will is always done.  Amen, for this.

Father, since I feel like I'm physically dying, I pray that if it is Your will for me to die, just make it happen quickly, and silently, preferrably in my sleep, please.  Thank You, Lord! :-))


Until next time...

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