When I was a child, I often wondered where I would be and what I would be doing at various stages and ages of my life. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my life would be like it is.
Never did I ever think I would be alone, again. Never did I think I would be going through the agony of trying to put the majority of my life behind me and beginning a new life, all over again.
Whenever I thought of me or Gordon dying, I always envisioned death coming later in life. Never did I imagine being widowed and alone at my age. Too old to be young enough to start a new family, yet too young to be a senior citizen joining others in widowhood, at an elderly age.
My daughter P thinks I need a pet. Actually, I know I do, for I truly miss my two (2) elderly furry baby-boy pussycats, who both died about five (5) years ago. They were both in their 20's and died of old age, just a few months apart.
However, where I live, pets are not allowed. Because I do not live in a tenanted situation the Landlord/Tenant Act does not apply. Therefore, I must abide by the rules of my accommodation, that forbids pets of any kind.
While Gordon was alive, it wasn't a problem. For even though we both missed our furry baby boys, we had each other. Even so, I agree with P, who thinks I need to have someone to come home to. Someone to look forward to seeing. Someone who loves me. Like a pet. C'est la vie!
When I ended writing yesterday, I had just placed Gordon's wedding band in my safety deposit box. That was a heartbreaking thing to do, at least for me.
Those who have not gone through widowhood may not think it's a big thing and it may not be for everyone, but it is for me. I know that as I dispose of Gordon's clothes and personal items, I will probably feel the same way, over and over. Until I've stored away items I wish to keep and have finished disposing of his clothing and personal items.
Whenever I think of addressing what I know I need to do, I feel like I'm disposing of part of Gordon. Like I'm losing him, all over again. I know I'm not, but it is difficult. Ask anyone who has ever had a loved one die; someone they truly loved.
At least when my Dad died, my Mom was still alive, so there was still a parental connection and none of our family had to deal with dealing with each and every personal item belonging to my Dad. But, when my Mom died, I had trouble dealing with disposing of her personal items. It was like giving away parts of her life, parts of their lives, parts of our lives, together. It's not easy.
Unlike someone who doesn't belong to God, someone unsaved, who has no hope, I am grateful that my Lord will help me through, not just my grief, but also to do what I need to do, to eventually place Gordon in my past. For, that is where he is now. My past.
He'll never be back. It's not like he's gone away on a trip somewhere. It's not like Gordon's working out of town. He's gone. Forever.
Even when I eventually see Gordon in heaven, our relationship will not be the same. We'll be brother and sister in the Lord, for marriage does not exist in heaven. We'll joyously praise our Lord together, but not as husband and wife.
I'm grateful for Jesus. I know He's made provision for me. One day, I'll be there, with Him in heaven.
Until then, I have to trust God. I know He has never let me down. He's always helped me through life's trials. He'll help me do what I need to do, concerning Gordon.
Some may think that Christians should never grieve, or feel sorrow, but I don't believe this is the case. God knows we are only human. We have strength, but only through Him.
As I said, I am grateful for the hope I have, through my faith in Jesus Christ, that has given me the assurance that when I am weak, He makes me strong. He loves me; and you, too. The Bible tells me so.
And, it's He that helps me through every day. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!
Until next time...
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