Happy New Year! Actually, at midnight I became rather bummed out, once again. Missing Gordon. C'est la vie.
Suffering is hard, for anyone. "...Weeping may endure for the night, but Joy cometh in the morning.", God tells us in Psalm 30:5.
My friend N, from Facebook (FB) recently posted this:
A Place for the Weary ~~
Is there anything more frail than a bruised reed? Look at the bruised reed at the water's edge. A once slender and tall stalk of sturdy river grass, it is now bowed and bent.
Are you a bruised reed ...
...by a neighbor's harsh words?
by a friend's anger?
by a spouse's betrayal?
The bruised reed. Society knows what to do with you. The world will break you off and snuff you out.
But the artists of Scripture proclaim that God won't. Painted on canvas after canvas is the tender touch of a Creator who has a special place for the bruised and the weary of the world. God places the wounded at heart in His hands... ready to paint his beautiful creation on canvas.
~He Still Moves Stones
"DO NOT LOSE THE COURAGE YOU HAD IN THE PAST, WHICH HAS A GREAT REWARD." ~Hebrews 10:35~
Although this message was not posted specifically for me, it does speak truth. I have long since recognized that I am a bruised reed.
It is my belief that every one of us, who are Christian, are bruised reeds. Until we are 'broken', God cannot use us.
What's the answer? Come to Jesus! There's a beautiful song that explains it better than I can. I hope you enjoy it:
In my opinion, I've endured about all the suffering I can stand for one lifetime. Whether or not this is God's opinion, only time will tell.
Previously, I wrote about how I was reflecting on my life, wondering if I was doing the right things. Wondering if God would have me stop doing some of the things that seemed so upsetting to some of my friends. If you read entries from this time, you'll know that God had put a song on my heart, for a couple of weeks; a song I did not recognize. Then, the day after a friend severed a relationship with me, God revealed the truth about the song.
The song spoke about how we need to Let The Lower Lights Be Burning, which is also the title to the song. I hope you'll enjoy listening and reading the lyrics:
I felt like God spoke to me, reminding me that we should not keep our light hidden under a bushel, but to put it on a lampstand, to give light to all, to shine before men and glorify our Father, who is in heaven (Matthew 5:15-16). Reminding me that we/I need to be the lighthouse, guiding the way to Christ.
So, I decided to obey God, my Father and continue on doing what I have been doing, as He instructed, in obedience to Him. After all, my goal is, has been and always will be to honour God, not man.
Then, as I previously mentioned, over my time driving, delivering gifts and visiting during this Christmas season, I was saddened by all the memories of my past, including my husband. As per usual for me, I prayed about this.
The conclusion God led me to, was that I need to change my life. Again, I prayed about this, changing my life, I mean.
One of the major changes I considered was to move away from Windsor. Relocate somewhere else. At the time, I really didn't want to do this, but it seemed like the only alternative.
It saddened me to think of this, because being self-employed, it would mean starting totally over again. Most people don't realize how disturbingly difficult this can be. How much work this really entails.
Still, I was feeling like I had no influence on my family. God said in John 4:44, "For Jesus himself testified, that a prophet hath no honor in his own country." I felt like I had somehow failed at being the bright light our Lord wanted me to be. After all, not all friends and family have been supportive of me.
Then, God opened the door for me to spend time with two (2) of my grandsons. You may recall, we spent time in Amherstburg and LaSalle, viewing an historical museum and areas. In addition, we viewed Christmas displays and light shows.
During this time, I was able to tell my grandsons about Jesus. They came to church with me. What a blessing this was!
I realized that God wants me to remain here, for I have work to do even with my own family.
If you're wondering why I felt the need to change my life, it's because I had been feeling at probably my lowest point, since Gordon's death. Feeling alone. Misunderstood. Unwanted. Unloved. Feeling like I had no purpose in life; no reason to be here on this earth. I felt like no matter what I did, I never seemed to make a difference in people's lives.
It felt like I had prayed a thousand times or more, asking God to let me fall asleep and not wake up here on earth, but rather, in heaven, with Him, Gordon and other family and friends. I felt like even God didn't want me.
Then, God had friends encourage me, telling me to keep on...keeping on. Keep on doing my work for the Lord. Friends, encouraged me with my blog writing, as well.
Through it all, God provided for me, every step of the way. I realize that although I haven't yet made it totally through my grief over losing Gordon, I am well on my way to recovery.
I have forgiven all who hurt me, both friend and foe.
I have accepted the fact that I will always love Gordon. Just as I have always loved those in my life, that I have loved. For when I love, I love deeply and truly. No false love, here. Only committed love, that knows no boundries. No end.
Unconditional love. Not the conditional type that most people exhibit in their lives, being willing to love someone as long as things go their way. No. I'm not like that. When I love, I love forever. Completely, totally and without reservation.
While I still have to finish dealing with my grief, I can see that God has a purpose for me, now. Where He will lead me, I'm not really sure.
However, I know that in order to move forward with my life, there are some changes I must make.
For starters, if I am to be able to move forward with my life, I must be able to place the love I have for Gordon, where it won't be affecting me, daily. Somehow, I need to be able to accept that I will always love him, but be able to go on, alone. To build a new life.
So, I've decided that when the bank opens after New Year's, I will be there. I will remove Gordon's wedding band from my right hand and place it in my safety deposit box, for safe keeping. Then, I will move my wedding rings from my left hand, onto my right hand.
This may not seem like much to some of you, but believe me, it's a big step for me!
I know that until I reorganize my feelings and deal with Gordon's personal effects, I will not be able to move forward in my life. And, I need to do this. Or, God needs to take me home, for I cannot go on like this.
Even the Bible tells us that we cannot survive with one foot in heaven and one on earth. I know it wasn't referring to this, but it is a good analogy of how I feel. Like I'm only partly here. I feel that in order to go on, I must be totally in one place or another.
God has never let me down. Even when, on several occasions as I was living through trials, I thought my life was at its lowest point, He was always there for me.
I believe that's because love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8). God is love (1John 4:8). And, He never fails us. He has never failed me; He will never fail you, if you trust in Him. He will bless you with salvation, if you aren't yet saved; please trust in Jesus, today.
Which brings me to the end of this entry. There's a song I came across a few months ago that I absolutely adore. It's called: Love Never Fails You. Enjoy!
This is the first day of a new year: 2011. It is also the first day of the rest of my life. Yours, too.
As I go, I would like to wish each of you a very Happy New Year! May God bless you, always.
My wish for you as you begin a new calendar year in your life, is that you will place all your love and trust in our Lord, Jesus Christ, knowing that He will never fail you.
Until next time...
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