Saturday, November 20, 2010

Hmmm... 5 Years?

Boy, have I been busy! 

Obviously, I worked hard researching and writing about issues concerning Islam, but also for reasons other than work, too!

It seems that even though I don't have tremendous contact with family, God has blessed me with good friends.  Thank You, Father!

As I was working on Monday, my phone rang.  It was my neighbour/friend K, who had been away for a week, at a resort in Ontario.  What a blessing it was to me to enjoy a break, chat on the telephone and hear about her time away.

Before we hung up, K informed me to not make dinner for myself, for she was making a roast beef dinner and wanted to bring me a plate.  Wow!  Was I shocked, because she had just returned home from her vacation. 

Even though we do this for each other on a fairly regular basis, I was thrilled at the thought of enjoying a wonderful homemade dinner, without the work.  To be honest, I was so busy working hard, doing things I needed to do, that hadn't even thought about suppertime!

And, was it good!  Too bad you weren't here to enjoy it.  I must say, it was truly delicious. 

After enjoying my fabulous dinner, a knock came on my door.  It was K, again.  This time, she handed me a piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing sprinkled with chopped walnuts, that she had just finished making.  Mmmmm...  It was scrumptious!  Thank you, K.  You are such a good friend, especially to me.

My phone rang.  It was my friend J, who works at the cemetary were Gordon is buried.  She said she had been thinking of me and decided we should go for lunch together, on Tuesday.  Her treat!

So, we fulfilled our arrangements and met at Swiss Chalet on Manning Rd., about 11:30 am, Tuesday, for lunch.  I must admit, if anyone fancies eating chicken, Swiss Chalet is a great place to go.  Thank you, J!  It was really nice of you to treat me to lunch.  I'm blessed, for sure.  Not only did I enjoy my delicious meal, I truly enjoyed our fellowship time.

During our conversation, J told me that she was glad we had time to chat.  She told me that there was something she wanted to speak with me about.  My blog.

At first, I wondered if she was unhappy reading my entries.  It only took me a second to realize this wasn't the case.

J told me there was something I had been doing and saying in my entries that she needed to bring to my attention.  She told me that I should no longer EVER say that I am down, sad or depressed.  I should never refer to my grief-depression.

Why did she say these things to me?  Well, as you can imagine, after her working in the cemetary and funeral arrangement business for many years, she has become educated in dealing with grief.

J made it very clear to me, that what I am experiencing is not feeling down, sad or depressed; certainly not grief-depression.  In a very firm and strong voice, she made it clear to me that what I am experiencing is called GRIEF and nothing more.  Nothing less.  Exactly that.  Grief.

She actually brought tears to my eyes.  I commented that recently, I came to realize that I have moved into the sadness phase of grief, for it seems that all I do is cry.  She agreed.  Then, she explained to me that I shouldn't listen to people, like some who think I should be 'over' losing Gordon, by now.

I was encouraged by what J had to say to me.  At least, until she asked me how long I thought grief usually took to deal with.  Kind of stumbling over my words, she saved me the trouble of trying to come to a conclusion.

J let me know that most people take five (5) years, in grief.  FIVE YEARS!  No, no, no, no, no...was basically what I thought.

It was upsetting to me enough to have read previously that eighteen (18) months to two (2) years, or longer was usually a minimum time.  I recall reading this previously, and thinking I'd die, if I felt the pain and sorrow I was feeling, for that length of time.

Five (5) years!  Yowee!  Be still my heart.  Then, I really began to cry, saying that there was no way I could stand feeling like this for that length of time.

It was kind of J to qualify what she had said.  She explained that I won't be crying like this, all that time, for at the moment, I am in the sadness phase, but will move on eventually to acceptance.  In the meantime, she said that as time goes by, I'll find that I cry less and less, until finally, I will realize that even though I have good days and not so good days, I haven't cried in a while.

Lord, please help me.  Just the thought of feeling like I do, even one (1) more day, is sometimes overwhelming, for I don't want to feel this way.

Most of the time, people don't even know I feel like this.  Most people are not aware of my grief, for I don't wear it like a badge during daily life.  Friends close to me, like J, know.  You know, because I write about it, here on Life with Lynnie.

Thank you, for caring enough, to be my friend and confidant (lol).  I'm blessed.

Until next time...

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