Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Flashbacks...

Sleep last night was somewhat improved over the prior two (2) nights.  I slept for about four (4) hours straight!  Thank You, Lord!  Of course, there's always room for improvement!

Before I begin the subject of my entry today, I would like to take the time to thank each and every one of you who prayed for healing for me.  Although I am not yet 100% healed, I feel I am improved somewhat, today.  Please know that I would appreciate continued prayer, until I have recovered from this bug that has wiped me out.  Thank you.  Many blessings to you.

In order to give you some history about Gordon, I need to turn back the clock a bit.

If you've been reading recent entries, you'll know that after I was involved in that major bus/truck collision that changed me and my life, Gordon came to Bramalea, took care of me during my initial recovery, finished packing up my home, for I had already sold it and had been looking to rent a home in Bramalea, for interest rates ranged between 19 - 25% and I was worried about losing my home, if I couldn't make payments reflecting rates any higher than these.  He moved me and my family to Windsor.

There is some information you need to know about Gordon.  If you've been a reader of Life with Lynnie (LwL), you'll know that Gordon had an inoperable brain tumour, at the time of his death; he suffered greatly with this.  However, I cannot recall if I ever wrote about other factors that affected his life and health.  Some may be too personal to write about here, but I will try to be as open as possible.

Apparently, in 1978, Gordon received a head injury, when he was hit with a 2 x 4 piece of wood; I'm surprised it didn't kill him.  He was hospitalized for concussion and he had a blood clot; after several days, he was released.  However, he suffered from headaches, as you might well imagine.

In first knowing Gordon, he was what I would call a social drinker, having the occasional drink, but not drinking daily or regularly.

However, after relocating to Windsor, I cannot really say if he was sorry he moved me and my family, or not.  I can say this:  Gordon was very upset over how hurt I had been.

As I mentioned, I was a totally changed person later, not just regarding my health, although I was no longer the picture of health, who was active and took good care of myself.  Instead, I was limited in what I could do physically, was on much medication and couldn't even begin physiotherapy for close to three (3) months, because of the intensive bruising I had on my chest; I was black for weeks.

Emotionally, I was a wreck.  Financially, not much better, because as I mentioned, I was forced to accept Worker's Compensation (now WSIB) which paid me only part of my earnings of one (1) of my jobs and not on the other two.

It seemed Gordon began drinking more heavily.  His frustration was obvious, not hidden.  He developed a hateful attitude towards the truck driver, M.D., who had caused the collision that changed my life.  It seemed the more frustated and full of hate he became, the more he drank.  Let's face it, his life had totally changed, too.

My children were drastically affected, also.  My youngest daughter P, was afraid to be in a motor vehicle for quite a while, as you can imagine.  She was definitely her mother's daughter, for I was a wreck even as a passenger in the car.  If Gordon drove me anywhere, he had to put up with me filled with terror, every time I was in a vehicle.  Less so, if I drove, but in the beginning, I could not drive myself, anywhere.

Sometimes, people don't think about how family is affected when a person is injured at work; in my case, in that disasterous collision.  My eldest daughter B, had not been involved in the collision, but she had been affected.

Not only had my daughters had to relocate their lives, with a Dad not happy about the distance between them, but there were things more closer to home they grieved.  Like the loss of their Mom.

It may sound silly to think of children grieving the loss of a parent, when the parent is still living, but this was truly the case.  Where I had once been a patient, loving Mom, I had changed into a short-tempered, stressed Mom, who had trouble even dealing with daily issues, because the amount of physical and emotion pain was so great.  At times, it was too much to bear.  Even so, it seemed we survived. 

In the summer of 1981, I felt I had healed enough to go back and attempt driving a school bus, once more.  The company knew I had been involved in a very serious collision and were patient with me.  They allowed me to go out in the bus, during the end of the summer, before school began.

What a trial that was!  I cannot even describe to you how I felt.  Physically, I wasn't sure if I would be able to handle the job anymore, for I was left with many areas of healing needed, even after almost a year.  You probably aren't aware, but in order to drive a school bus, driving training is taken more seriously than even transport truck drivers, because our cargo is precious humans.

Climbing up to check fluid levels, wipers, etc., was so painful for me, but I pushed myself to do what I knew I had to do, in order to be able to once again drive the bus.  At first, I thought that as I continued healing, I would find it easier driving, but I found with my shoulder and neck problems that I was hunched up over the steering wheel, almost laying flat on it.  Still, I pushed myself to do it.

Why?  People say when you fall off a horse, you must get up and ride, again.  I felt this way about driving the bus; I felt that if I didn't do it, I'd always be terrified.  And, terrified I was.

In fact, the emotional part of even the thought of driving a school bus once again, nearly overwhelmed me.  Just the thought of being responsible for the lives of children, made me want to vomit.  But, I didn't let this stop me.

I recall just sitting the first time in a school bus.  I couldn't even go out and drive it, for I couldn't stop crying.  After several attempts, I finally did it!  But, the feeling of intense pain, physically and emotionally didn't leave.  After a few months of actually working, I quit the job.  I just could not handle it, anymore. 

At the time, I didn't know this, but I found out many years later, when I finally saw my WSIB file, that the bus company actually had a supervisor follow me, on a semi-regular basis to ensure I was okay.  Apparently, the supervisor agreed with me that I had trouble physically handling driving the bus and doing all the required pre-checks, involved.  How did I find out about this?  Although I had not been aware of this at the time, the bus company had notified WSIB in writing.  Their letter was in my file.

Oh yes, I need to tell you about my eldest daughter B, don't I?!  It was when I had begun driving the bus in Windsor that I realized B had a problem, emotionally.  It was about a year after the collision.

You see, on the day in Bramalea, B had been walking home from school, not yet aware that P and I had been involved in a collision.  B saw an ambulance pass her as she made her way home.  It was only after we didn't arrive home that she found out that P and I had actually been in the ambulance she saw.  She was safely taken to her Dad's home nearby, but that upset her terribly.  As I mentioned, our lives totally changed; hers included.

So turning back to Windsor, a year later, I was driving a bus.  B was walking home from school one day.  She would have still been nine (9) years of age at this time.  She heard an ambulance; it passed her as she made her way towards home.  Panic overcame her.  She ran all the way home, crying.

B arrived home, screaming for me.  Praise God, I was already home, by this time.  I hate to think of what she would have been like, had I not yet arrived home, for she was distraught.  Crying.  Screaming.  Terrified that I had been once again in a major collision and had been taken to hospital.  All because she saw and heard an ambulance as she walked home from school. 

Flashbacks.  Aren't they wonderful?  My children suffered fom them.  I could relate, for I had them, too.

As I am sure you can imagine, there is more to follow.  I have sort of mixed in information about my life and the life of my family, along with Gordon and what I am leading up to, so you can understand better, the situation.  Thank you, for reading...

Until next time...