Tuesday, August 10, 2010

10 Months Without Love...

It was about 4:00 am the last time I looked at my alarm clock.  At that time, I decided it wasn't worth looking at it, again.  Still, even with broken sleep, I was up around 7:00 am.  Yes!  I'm exhausted!

Talk about a busy day!  Instead of waiting to do my swim exercise later in the day, I decided I should do it first thing, since I knew I had a busy day ahead of me.  Actually, I'm glad I did this, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to fit it in!  I won't make a habit of this, though.

Our pool opens at 8:00 am, for those who want to swim lengths, only.  We have an aquafitness instructor, who leads two (2) classes per day; one at 9:15 am and the other about 2:00 pm.  I do not participate in these classes, for my workout is longer and more intense.  Unfortunately, this morning, part of my workout coincided with part of their class.  We didn't really interfere with each other, too much!

Of course, I had my usual work to do.  Then, it was off to church.  I was one of five women who were participating in planning the calendar for our 50's Plus group.  We brainstormed ideas about themes for each month's meetings, decided on guest speakers and developed meal plans, etc.  Actually, this took up more time than I thought it would, but at least it's done, now.

My daughter P's car should be ready, tomorrow.  Yes, you heard correctly.  No, it's not still at the dealership.  Apparently, the dealership could not do the alignment, etc.  They just moved the dealership to this new location and had not yet installed all their equipment.

P had to take her car to someone else, who could do the work.  Unfortunately, the shop had someone who really didn't know what they were doing.  Instead of the worker using heat for a minute or two, then trying to remove a bolt and repeating, until the issue was resolved, the worker kept the heat (welding tool or blow torch?) on the bolt, until it was destroyed, along with some other parts. 

Those parts had to be ordered and were supposed to arrive, today.  However, the wrong parts were received, so they had to go back and be reordered.  Hopefully, she'll get her car back, tomorrow.  It's a good thing they had a loaner for her to use, until her car is ready; it's too bad there's a broken seatbelt and the speedometer doesn't work. :(

Arriving at home once again, I tried to update Facebook (FB) and do a few things that needed to be done.  Just after 5:00 pm, I once again took off.  I headed for the cemetary.

Where else would I go on the 10th month anniversary of Gordon's death?  Once again, I sat at his grave, talking with God and Gordon.  Today, I sang while there.  No one was around.  Just me.  Tears ran down my face, while I sang.

Many people don't understand me.  That's okay.  They don't need to.  Even though I am happy I know my husband is no longer suffering as he is with Jesus in heaven, I just feel burdened with sadness, still.

If I hear one more time, how I should think about good times with Gordon, I think I'll scream!  Maybe I'll scream, anyway!  What do people think, anyway?  It's obvious to me that people that say things like this have never walked a foot in my shoes.  Losing a spouse is definitely different than losing a parent, sibling or friend.  I know, because I've lost those, too.

Don't people think I try to think on the good times?!  After all, doesn't God's Word tell us to think on good things?  Of course!  The problem comes when grief overwhelms a person, their whole thought process gets screwed up.

For a while, I could not think about any good times at all, with Gordon.  As I am progressing through my grief, I can now, at times think about good times with him and even laugh.  But, not always, yet.  No, there is still much pain and sorrow.  When will it subside?  I have no idea.  I just know I want it gone.  Like yesterday!

There are times when I feel so unloved.  Useless.  Even sinful.  Yet, I know that God provides for me, always.  If God can love me, what else do I need?!

From the cemetary, I headed over to my friend A's home.  She and her husband K, host prayer time on Tuesday evenings.  It's only a small group.  Usually there are more people, but tonight there was only four (4) of us.  This small, but functional group lends itself to intimacy and getting to know each other, better.   Thank you A and K, for your kindness and hosting this wonderful time of prayer and fellowship.  May God bless you, now and always.

Without love, we are nothing, nothing at all.  While that may have been a line from a song, it is also one message from Jesus.  May you be blessed with love.


Until next time...

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