About 2:00 am, I prayed God would help me sleep. He did. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!
Being a work day, I did what I needed to do. It didn't take all that long, because our marketplace is really slow at the moment. Still, I was glad to do what I was led to do, today.
Since I am thankful in all things, or at least I try to be, I thanked God for helping me through yesterday.
In reality, even though Gordon died 10 months ago, he was gone long before that. If you are close to me, you know some of the problems that developed during the last portion of his life. You would also know that he had virtually given up. There were times when Gordon only wanted and talked about going to be with Jesus. He was like a walking zombie, at times. Yet, at other times, he was as normal as normal can be. I suppose I couldn't expect anything less, considering his inoperable brain tumour...and the resulting depression.
Still, my heart aches for him. I miss Gordon more than I can tell anyone. There are times when I feel my heart has been ripped out. This grief is very different from any other I have ever experienced.
My parents are gone. My baby brother died July 1st. I've had other friends and relatives pass on. Never have I felt like this. I know I need to focus on being happy that Gordon is in heaven. I try. I really try. I just feel like part of me died. I felt sort of like this once before. But, it had nothing to do with human death. It was when I was driving the school bus and was hit by a tractor-trailer (truck). My life changed so drastically, I felt like I died that day and became someone else.
Now, I once again feel that way. Like I've died. I don't know how to go forward with my life. After the collision, Gordon stepped up to the plate, loved me, cared for me, helped me heal and eventually, made a life with me. Now, he's gone. He'll never be back. I'm left here, alone.
I don't know how to live a life. Any life. Especially mine. If I didn't have such strong faith, I would think God has abandoned me. But, I know this isn't the case. I know God loves me. The Bible tells me so.
I just cannot believe that I am once again, starting my life over. Gordon was my second chance at happiness. How many chances do we get? Life isn't like a baseball game: three strikes and you're out.
Please don't think I am not trusting God for my future. I am. I realize that He alone knows the plans He has for us. For me. Plans to prosper us and not harm us, to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).
That's exactly where my problem lies. The future. After all the trials in my life and after all the pain and suffering I've experienced, I am having trouble believing anything good can happen for me. Some might say I have weak faith. I don't. Some might say I am not trusting God. I am.
However, I also know that although God did not cause problems in my life, He allowed them. Just as God did not cause the problems Job experienced, but He allowed them. I'm having trouble believing anything good can happen to me. I'm fully believing that just as with how my past life has been and how my current life is, that I am only destined for more pain, suffering and sorrow. Truly, I do not want any more. I've had enough. More than enough.
Yet, I still trust God. His Word says in Romans 8:28, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." I've mentioned this before. I believe God and His Word. I also know that He allows pain, suffering and sorrow in the lives of His children, to mold us into the people He wants us to be. He is the Potter; we are the clay.
We are being transformed, daily. Into the people God wants us to be. If you've read the Bible, you'll know that many people suffer during their transformation, their sanctification, or being molded into the image of Jesus. God tells us in Romans 8:29, "For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren".
Anyone who thinks this process is simple and painless, better think again. It's not easy going through the Refiner's Fire. But God promises us in Zechariah13:9, ""And I will bring the third part through the fire, Refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, And I will answer them; I will say, 'They are My people,' And they will say, 'The LORD is my God.'"
Zechariah 13:9 may not be referring necessarily to me in my current circumstance, but I rely on verses like this one, to help me through each day. Ultimately, I know I am being refined. The Refiner's Fire is my testing. I call upon Him, daily. He will answer, because the Lord is my God. I suppose I just need to be patient and wait upon the Lord.
It's hard, when I really just don't know how to begin to live, again. I will continue to wait upon Him.
Until next time...
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