My lamp went out about 2:30 am, after reading my Bible for a while. When my alarm went off this morning, I didn't really want to get up, but I did. I knew I had quite a bit to do, today.
One of the reasons I was so-o tired and achy this morning, was because of all the work I had done from Monday evening, through yesterday evening, preparing and hosting (not to mention clean up, as well) my Gals Day Luncheon I wrote about in yesterday's entry.
In fact, today I hardly felt like exercising. Just the thought of doing my stretching exercise and pool exercise made me cringe. What else can someone expect though, after doing all that work.
It may not seem like much to some people, but to me, a person with Ankylosing Spondylitis (a rare Rheumatoid Arthritis) and Fibromyalgia, it's asking a lot! I hurt! Bones and soft tissue! Help, Lord!
Did the pain stop me? No. Why not? Because I'm tenacious. I don't give up, easily. I did all my exercise, today. I'm persistant when I am convinced I need to do something. I'm not a quitter.
There was a time in my life when I felt like I was a real loser; a quitter. That was when my first marriage ended. While I have no intention of bad-mouthing my ex-husband, it was no secret that he never really loved me. In fact, I was told regularly, that his parents came first, then his children, then the rest of his family and friends, that somewhere down the chain, at the bottom, was me. This relationship, if I can call it that, was an ungodly one. For it was opposite to what God commanded in Genesis 2:24, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh". I assure you, we were not one flesh.
As I've said many times, Gordon was my second chance at happiness. I was happy, mostly. I was glad he put his past behind him, repented of his sin and returned to God. So had I. As you know, it didn't last nearly long enough, for he's gone now, in heaven with Jesus and I am once again, alone.
Lately, I've been hearing from some of my friends that I shouldn't focus on this. That I should realize that I will probably remarry. I have my doubts if this will ever happen, because I cannot even think in these terms, especially knowing I am still grieving. However, I also know that if it is God's will, it will happen.
Of the seven (7) women who met yesterday for lunch, there were only two (2) of us, who are not married. My neighbour/friend K, who is a widow and myself. Everyone else who attended, has been married for many years, with the exception of my friend A, who was divorced a few years ago, has since remarried and has been blessed with a beautiful child.
Even if I was ready for re-marriage, which I am not, one of the reasons I feel I probably will not ever remarry, is because I don't think I will ever find someone, suitable.
Okay. Don't laugh. It's not funny, really. I believe it would be extremely difficult to find someone suitable to marry, if not impossible.
What I mean is that it would be like finding a needle in a haystack. Not only is it difficult the older we age, to find someone we can love, but it's just as difficult finding the right person, who will love you, back. If I were to marry again, the man would have to truly love me and I, him.
In addition, the person would have to be a believer. In 2Corinthians 6:14, God's Word tells us, "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"
Is a believer yoked with an unbeliever the only way to be unequally yoked? It's hard to say. Many couples have very good marriages, even if they are both believers, but have differing beliefs, regarding Christian doctrine. I'm not sure I could handle that. In my heart, I believe I would want a man who was on the same page, so to speak, because I believe it would not only create stress in the relationship, but knowing that the husband is the head of the household and the spiritual leader, I would find it difficult to live with someone who didn't believe the way I do.
Yes, you heard me right. The husband is the head of the household. This does not mean that the wife is a slave. Husbands and wives are each two (2) halves, who when put together, become one whole, as we read above in Genesis 2:24. Still, if there is final decision to be made on something, the husband is responsible to God, for the decision.
This means to me, that I would not want to be unequally yoked. After all, you cannot follow a parked car. If a man were to be my husband, they would have to love me as God called him to in Ephesians 5:25, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;...".
I believe people can be unequally yoked in other things, concerning daily life. Likes, dislikes, etc. Compatibility is everything, in making a marriage work.
For instance, I am not a drinker. No, I am not a prude. I just don't really like drinking and I know it is not good for me. That doesn't mean that I have never had a drink, but I don't make a regular habit of it. If I do have a drink, it is usually at a special function or a special dinner. Other than that, I just don't drink alcoholic beverages. Besides, as a child and as an adult, I've seen and experienced life with someone who drinks too much. Never, again. So, if I were to remarry, the man would have to think the same way I do and not be a regular drinker.
So, you see, there really aren't many men out there, who would be a suitable match for me, who would love me the way I would love him. Especially since we would both have to put God first in our lives, then each other, family, etc.
Now you know why I feel like I'm a condemned person, condemned to live alone, lonely and without love. Thank God for Jesus. Without him, I couldn't stand life.
Until next time...
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