Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A Future?

As you can imagine, after being awake almost all night the night before last, I slept like a log last night.  Thank You, Lord!

To say I was busy today is an understatement.  Still, I wish it was productive!  In order to be productive, we sometimes have loads and loads of unproductive work to do, first.  Like today.

For those who don't know, our Canadian government has bound us Realtors with Fintrac Legislation, that requires us to be face-to-face with customers/clients, take their identification and generally review the situation.  If we believe there may be a third party involved in a transaction, there are more forms.  If we believe there may be illegal activity involved (money laundering, etc.), we must report it.  If we worked with a party to a transaction, who was found by the government to be involved in illegal activity, and if the government feels we should have recognized it and reported it and didn't, we are subject to penalties of fines and/or imprisonment.  Lucky, eh!!

Well, the problem arises when we have non-face-to-face customers/clients to work with.  Today, took up most of my time, with a situation of this sort.  Yes, Gordon!  It almost makes me want to retire!  Help me, Lord!  Please!

In any case, I did my due diligence with regards to my in pool and out of pool exercise, today.  I took photos that I will post another time.  Since I haven't yet reviewed them, I hope they turned out, okay.

Last night, I spoke with my friend J.  Our telephone conversation was a very normal one, of about an hour in length.  J mentioned me being single, during our conversation.  I never think of myself as such, but the reality is, that since Gordon is dead, I am single, once more.  I mentioned that I don't think I'll ever be happy enough to even consider another relationship, again in the future.

You may or may not know that J's family worshipped in the same church family as Gordon's family, so they all knew each other, from years ago.  During our conversation, the subject of Gordon's grandfather came up.  You see, Gordon's grandfather William had quite a reputation, for he had been married three (3) times.

Eons ago, William had been dating Mary.  Mary fully expected to marry Gordon's grandfather William, because they dated for several years.

Mary invited William to accompany her on a family reunion.  The reunion was held on Boblo Island, just across from Amherstburg.  To be expected, Mary proudly introduced William to all her family, including her cousin Angela.

William fell in love with Angela, at first sight.  He dropped Mary, like a hot potato and shortly after, married Angela, who was Gordon's grandmother.  I can only imagine the kinds of family problems this created.

While Gordon was a child, his grandma Angela died.  William was very lonely.  He met up with a woman he fell for and married her.  William called Louise, Lou and they thought they would live happily ever after.  It didn't work out that way, for at a later date that I am not sure of, Lou died.

William found himself very lonely, once more.  At some point in time, he heard through the grapevine that Mary was alone, too.  He contacted her.  They corresponded for quite a while.  It wasn't as easy back then, as it is, today.  No internet, cell phones, etc.  So, they mailed each other letters and notes.  They had the odd conversation by phone.

Truly, I do not know if Mary had become widowed or if she was divorced, but after having a family of six children with her husband, he left her.  She had raised her children, alone.  Like William, she was lonely.

I suspect that Mary had never stopped loving William, even though he had broken her heart many years, earlier.  Eventually, they married.  They became the loves of each other's lives.  Gordon told me Mary was the only woman who ever called his grandfather 'my Bill'.  It turned out to be the greatest love of all, for both of them.

J reminded me that I could possibly have a happy ending, too.  After all, if Gordon's grandfather could do it, so could I.

The difference is, that I am not William.  I am Lynn.  Lynn that has never been quite self-assured when it came to relationships.  Lynn, who through most of her life believed that no one could love her.  Lynn, who only seemed to have relationships with men that were a disaster, beginning with her father, progressing with young men who seemed attracted to her, but never really let her know she was truly loved.  One in particular.  Then a husband and a marriage that didn't work out.  No, I won't go into detail, here.

Then Gordon came along.  He changed my whole life.  I know he loved me.  I loved him.  I still do.  But, he's dead.  Gone.  He'll never be back.

Now, I sit here alone.  Lonely.  Suffering in pain and sorrow.  Trying to gain some sense of order in my life.  Trying to figure out how to carry on.  Pretending I'm okay, when I'm truly not.  Taking each day as it comes.  Trusting my Lord, to help me through day by day, hour by hour and sometimes even minute by minute.  No plans for the future, for I cannot see any future in sight.  No reason to really go on.  Just trusting God that He has a plan somehow, somewhere, for me, as He promised He does. 

And, wishing I knew what it was.

Until next time...

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