Monday, August 23, 2010

Angry with God...

This morning, I once again awoke before my alarm went off.  The difference is, I did not get to sleep at an early hour.  It was after 2:30 am, before my internal lights went out.  So much, for normalcy.  Well, time will tell.  I am hoping to once again, have a normal sleep/rest schedule.

While reading the Windsor Star this morning, I saw that Randy Travis had entertained at Caesars Windsor, our local gambling mecca.  While Gordon and I did not patronize the casino, from time to time we had thought about going to see an entertainer, but we never did. 

It seems that this infernal sadness I feel when I think of Gordon, is not limited to thinking about what we did, but expands itself to thinking of what we didn't do.  Like going to see Randy Travis.

There was a time when we thought about flying out to California and while there, going to see Randy Travis in concert and where he worshipped, as he used to advertise to come worship with him at church.  At the moment, I cannot recall why we decided against making the trip, but the end result was that we did not go. 

Now, I feel badly, for I know Gordon truly loved Randy's music.  Hopefully, I am not going to be filled with regret, from here on.  Every time something new pops up in my mind, my mind knows it must just be another facet of grief, but my heart breaks.  In fact, in just writing this I have tears running down my face.  Lord, help me, please!  Who can live like this? 

In our humanness, we all go through grief when we lose someone we love. 

I've experienced grief, before.  Most of us have.  My parents and grandparents have all passed on, as have other family members and even some friends.  Most recently, as you know, my baby brother Glenn, died July 1st, this year.

The grief I experienced with each one, wasn't pleasant, but was tolerable.  Even though I am grieving Glenn, I can think on him lovingly, recalling good and bad times, together.  I can accept the fact that he's gone.  That Glenn's in heaven with Jesus, Gordon and others.  I can be happy that he's healed, no longer suffering, especially with his disabilities.  And, I can even look forward to seeing him again, once I've gone to heaven.

But, this grief I feel about Gordon is different.  It's more intense.  Deeper feelings.  Deeper hurts.  Is it because he was truly my soul mate?  Is it because of the severe trial both of us suffered, before Gordon's death?  Sometimes, I even have regrets.  Especially, when I think of the health care he drastically needed, but couldn't get.  Knowing that I did all I could for him, doesn't seem to help.  It just supports my feelings that we live in an uncaring world, geared more to living for 'self' than for God and Godly principles.  I call it Opposite World.

While driving alone today, even though I was working, I found I was very upset.  In the past, for a very long time, I kept feeling like I wasn't really angry with God.  Then for a time, I began to wonder.  Today, I knew for sure that I am angry with God. 

God was in control of Gordon's life, even if Gordon's life was out-of-control.  God didn't cause his ill health, nor the subsequent trials that ensued.  But, no one can deny that God could have healed him, had it been His will.  Why didn't He heal Gordon?  Why did He take him home?  Why am I having to suffer like this?

I cried out to God to help me; literally.  My God is a big God.  I know He can handle anything I can dish out.  The question has already been answered for me, for I am definitely having trouble what He has ordained for my life.

Because I attended grief counselling a few months ago, I know that this is a sign of progress, even if it doesn't sound like it is.  It is.  I praise God for this, for I know that unless I experience this, I can never fully reach acceptance of Gordon's death.  Thank You, Lord.

Some people hate hearing about my grief and my life experiences.  Others tell me it helps them through whatever they are experiencing, whether it is grief or some other type problem. 

In any case, I am grateful that from time to time, I receive feedback, whether positive, or not.