Thank you, to anyone who prayed for me to sleep well, for I did. I even woke up today, before my alarm was due to go off.
As per usual for a Son-day morning, I went to worship at my church. Well, actually, it's been about three (3) weeks since I have been able to do so, but I sure felt good, for it felt like I was arriving home, when I sat with my fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord, worshipping our God.
Afterwards, I did a couple of errands. Then, I headed to the cemetary. On the way, rain drops began falling. I thought they looked like tears on my windshield. Right away, I prayed that God would hold off the rain, so I would not get wet and would be able to sit at Gordon's grave, for a while. Which is exactly what I did. Yes, once again, God answered my prayer, with a positive answer.
My mind has been all mixed up, lately. I recognize what it is. Losing my brother, has once again set off grief. I cannot separate the grief for my brother from the grief for my husband. One minute, I still feel like I am in shock, the next, I feel disoriented, the next...depressed. Lord, please help me!
As I've said on other occasions, it seems like God is always willing to give me positive answers to prayer, for the little things in my life. Yet, the big things, the answer always seems to be, 'not yet' or 'no'.
The big things are what is killing part of me. Family, health, losing loved ones. There are times when I truly just wish God would take me home and not leave me here to suffer any more than I already have. But, no. He doesn't. He leaves me to suffer...over and over and over, again.
No, I'm not saying He doesn't love me, for I know He does. I know His ways are not our ways. This is very obvious, for if it were up to me, I wouldn't allow my children to hurt the way I am currently hurting. Yet, He allows this. I know He makes good come from terrible circumstances.
Still, this does not always help, when the pain one feels is deep. I've had enough. More than enough. I keep crying out to Him, letting Him know that I cannot take any more. The reply always seems to be that He stretches me, even more, with more painful issues to deal with.
Since I truly don't have much contact with family, my time is very lonely. In an effort to relax, I decided to watch The Bucket List. I heard it was a funny movie. Well, there were humerous parts to it, but all in all, it did nothing to lift my spirits. In fact, I was rather sorry I watched it.
Just before the movie ended, a storm came up out of nowhere. Seriously, it came through quickly and unexpectedly, at least to me! How did I know it was bad? Well, it isn't every day when you see a piece of metal fly past your balcony. Especially since I live on the 17th floor! And, my apartment building has no visible metal that I can think of.
My first thought was that God was going to take me home, today. Nope. No such luck. I'm still here, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this entry.
After watching Globe Trekker on PBS, I decided to watch another movie. Passchendaele. No, it wasn't a comedy to lift my spirits, but it was based on a true story, concerning WW1 and I figured since I was already feeling lousy, I may as well watch it. After all, I couldn't have felt much worse. :(
To my surprise, the movie did lift my spirits. Oddly enough, seeing the pain, sorrow and hardship in the movie, helped me to put my pain somewhat in perspective.
Life is hard. On their site today, CBC.ca News in Depth says that as of June 26, 2010, 150 Canadian lives have been lost in Afghanistan, since 2002. That's 150 lives lost in eight (8) years.
Please don't misunderstand me when I say this, because I realize that every life is important. Every person killed, is a husband/wife, mother/father, sister/brother, son/daughter, relative or friend.
The main character: Michael Dunne, was a real person, who died, due to the battle of Passchendaele. It struck my heart, immediately when I heard this. My Grannie from Ireland had a brother named Michael. Some of her family spelled the family name as Dunn, while some used the spelling Dunne. It made me wonder if he was somehow related. Truly, it doesn't really matter, but it gave me a closeness while watching the movie.
When our Afghanistan mission is compared to other wars and battles, there is no comparison. Take Passchendaele, for example. In one (1) week, 500 lives were lost. As per information quoted at the end of the movie, over the four (4) months of battle it took for the Canadian army to secure the area, there were 600,000 casualties. The worst? After holding the area for one (1) week, it was lost again, to the Germans.
This got me thinking about how war has changed. I may be repeating myself, but there history shows us there was a time when enemies war uniforms to distinguish themselves from foes. Not like today, when our enemies are hidden among us, virtually invisible. Living and acting like lying cowards.
Yes, I am referring to terrorism. It's happening throughout the world. People portraying themselves as peaceful, loving people, who are faithful to a god that isn't the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
Some people don't believe we can win this war. Truly, from a human perspective, I believe it would be rather difficult, for our enemies live among us and we truly cannot see who they are. However, God is in charge. His will is always done. It will be up to Him to determine who ends up winning, in the short haul.
We know ultimately, who will win in the long run. The Bible tells us. I believe not enough of us read His Word. Especially here in Canada, and probably the same in USA, as well.
In my opinion, people in N. America have been asleep at the wheel. Due to never really having had world wars battled on our soil, I believe we have generally become complacent, thinking war can never happen, here. Many believe it's not their problem, or don't believe there is a problem. But friend, take your head out of the sand. It's time to realize that we are at war, right here...at home. Whether you realize it, or not.
Ephesians 6:12 reminds us, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Continuing further, verse 13 tells us, "Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand."
Sort of like what I have to do, while suffering this grief of loss. Stand. And, wait upon the Lord.
Until next time...
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