Saturday, July 17, 2010

A Rose Bush?

Last night's sleep, was broken, to say the least. After reading my Bible for a while, I shut off my lamp close to 2:00 am. Then, somewhere between 3:00 am and 3:30 am (I didn't really look at the clock, until just after 3:30 am), I found I was once again awake. For whatever reason, I wasn't able to get back to sleep. Eventually, I got up and played on the computer and on Facebook (FB) for a while. Close to 7:00 am, I went back to bed, to try and catch a few zz's before having to be up, about 8:30 am. So, as you can see, I didn't really get a restful sleep, last night.

This morning, I had an appointment I didn't want to miss; I cannot tell you about it, at the moment, but it wasn't anything serious, not about my health and not for work. Actually, I can tell you that I met some friends I hadn't seen in a while. Yes, there was a purpose for the pre-arranged visit. One day, I'll write about it. Maybe...

On the way home, I stopped at Staples, for I needed ink for both my printers. If I haven't mentioned it before, I do use two (2) printers for work. Why? There's nothing worse than having one die, just as you're in the middle of writing an offer or preparing research for an appointment, or writing up a listing; so, I need a back up solution: a second (2nd) printer. Yes, it's happened to me! Close to $130.00 later, I walked out, with ink. Hmmm... this makes me wonder if I'm in the wrong business!

Today was another scorcher. However, after wearing myself out having done my pool exercise, yesterday and not having much sleep last night, I was exhausted. So, heat or no heat, I went into bed and napped for a short time; about 45 minutes. The funny thing was, I drifted right off and didn't want to get up when my alarm went off! Where's the fun in this?

I got up, realizing I truly lead a very boring life, for I had nothing on my agenda to fill my time. So, knowing my health is still improving, I got ready and went to the pool. The wind is so very strong at times, especially since our pool is parallel with the Detroit River. The breeze usually comes off Lake St. Clair, but today, it was rather weird, for the wind came from a different direction.

In any case, I thoroughly enjoyed exercising in the pool, again today. Being ill, I really, really missed it! One of my neighbours commented to me about how when I work out, I really do it right! I suppose one could say that. The fact is, I work hard when I work out. I know I need to keep my body strong enough to function, plus I enjoy feeling like I can actually accomplish something. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

Yesterday, I saw Despicable Me. Usually, I don't enjoy cartoon-type movies, but I found this one to be funny and heartwarming. So, if you get the chance, make sure you see it!

Later, I watched Letters to Juliet. My friend J recommended this movie. I thoroughly enjoyed this film. Amanda Seyfried starred in this movie, as she did in another movie I truly enjoy: Dear John. Both of these movies Amanda starred in, I would watch repeatedly. In fact, I have watched Dear John, several times.

Due to being movied-out, I just couldn't bring myself to watch another movie. I did see some travel programmes on PBS and played again on Facebook (FB). I even chatted with a friend for a while tonight, until I got booted off FB. When I tried to log in again, I received a message notifying me that I wouldn't be able to have access for a few hours, due to site maintenance. Whoo-eee! I've never before had this happen! Oh well, there will be other days and other opportunities for conversation with a real live human. I hope...

That's one thing I feel really sad about. Being lonely. It was one week ago, my brother Glenn was buried. It seems like an eternity, since I spoke with him. It will be a very long time before we speak again, unless the Lord takes me home to heaven.

This brings me to Gordon. I look at his photo. Sometimes, longingly; sometimes, angrily. Always missing him. Knowing it will be a very long time, before I will see him again, unless God takes me home to heaven.

I think the shock of losing Glenn is wearing off, now. Since I've already been grieving Gordon, I seem to be able to better recognize how I am feeling. I feel like my head is clearing. Of course, living such a distance apart, knowing that we didn't always see each other, helps. I am trying to think in these terms, in an effort to deal with this loss.

The trouble is, now I have to face my life alone, without two (2) people I love. Since Glenn lived at a distance, and since he was my brother and not my husband, I believe I miss him differently than I miss Gordon.

In addition to missing my husband, which in itself is difficult to deal with, I also feel like this loneliness I feel will be permanent. I cannot imagine ever having another relationship. I thought my relationship with Gordon was my second chance at life. It's turned out to be my second chance at loneliness.

When I reflect upon my life, I think differently, now. While Gordon was alive, I was grateful for my second chance at happiness, even though there were some extremely stressful times, when Gordon was deteriorating due to his inoperable brain tumour, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

But, now. Now that I am once again alone, I am angry with myself for a completely different reason. It's probably silly to most people, especially since I already dealt with the emotional issue of being divorced from my first (1st) husband. But, I find myself being angry with me for making a terrible mistake in marrying the man I did, in my first marriage, in the first place. My reasoning? I'm not sure if it is logical or not, but I'm feeling this way: If I hadn't made a mistake the first time, I wouldn't have been in this situation, now. No, I realize there are no guarantees that I would still be married to someone who would love me as much as I love him, but I do believe that my life would not have included a second marriage. No second marriage=no second time of loss and loneliness.

As everyone knows, no one can turn back the clock. Truly, turning back the clock, in my mind, would mean once again having to live through every horrible detail of my life, for my life experiences I don't believe would change by merely turning back the clock. I wouldn't want to re-live them, any more than I would wish my life on my worst enemy. Yes, I had good times, too. But, I have experienced a tremendous amount of tragedy. Probably more than the average person. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just wishing that my life had turned out differently.

Why? I truly don't know how I will cope with my life, as it is now. Right now, as always, I am trusting God to help me, daily. I just don't see my life ever getting any better. God's plan thus far, has never included long-lasting love or happiness. I know. He never promised us a rose garden. But, I've never asked for a whole garden, just a rose bush would be nice.


Until next time...

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