Before I begin discussing tonight's topic, I would like to say I hope everyone had a Glorious 12th! Happy Orangemen's Day! (Especially to my Irish family!)
Sleep? What's that? I only had a few minutes of sleep, last night. Not hours. Minutes. I think all the stress I have experienced since Glenn died, has just caught up with me. Believe me, there's been a lot of stress!
Although I am well on my way to recovery with the respiratory problem, I am still not completely over it, so I have not yet returned to working out, either in my home or in the pool. Usually, I do both, six (6) days per week. Now, it's been since July 2nd, since I worked out. I miss it, but I feel like it would be too much for me to wear myself out, even further.
The worst part for me, is that I need to be able to sing. I love to sing. My voice is still hoarse. It's devestating to me, to not be able to do what I love doing. Sing. Please pray that I will be able to sing within the next few days, for on the 20th, I need to sing at a wedding. Thank you for your prayer and support.
I truly miss my brother. Glenn and I used to speak with each other by telephone, regularly. In my heart, I knew that when he died, my family ties died with him. The events of both the viewing of Glenn last Sunday and his funeral this past Saturday, have proven to me that my suspicions, were real.
It's unfortunate to have grown up in such a dysfunctional family. Not just my relationship with my Dad, but also with the rest of my family. I try to be kind, whenever I have to discuss my family, but it can be difficult.
To say it was difficult to be with my family, is an understatement. I will not go into details, for I do not wish to hurt anyone. I've never hurt anyone in my family, in the past and have no intention to do so, now.
My friend J, was absolutely shocked. I tried to prepare her with what to expect, but no amount of preparation can ultimately prepare someone for witnessing the devestating heartbreak that I endured. J commented to me that all families have some level of dysfunction; I agreed. However, she told me she had never seen anything like this, in her whole life.
If you've been reading my entries, you will know that I have been praying that it is God's will to provide me with total, restorative healing for my family. I've asked Him to only reconcile our family, if it is His will, if the reconciliation will be honouring to Him, for I've been through enough pain in the past, with reconciliations that were not really honest ones. Just to be hurt, once again. In addition, I prayed that He would reveal truth to me, regarding relationships.
Well, even though I was prepared for stress, seeing relatives that are friendly with one of my siblings that hasn't been loving towards me in the past, was something I knew I needed help with from my Lord. He did help me.
While at Glenn's apartment building party room, prior to his buriel, an incident took place that was unloving towards me. No, I won't go into detail. It's enough to say that no one would want to be sworn at and called swearing names. Not me, not you, no one.
Then, within a short time, outside the building, the same person was screaming and crying, saying that they hated me, all their life, didn't want anything to do with me, ever.
It would have been bad enough if this had happened in private, but it's even worse when these instances occurred with an audience of people who had gathered to honour Glenn.
Did I lose my temper and yell? No. I stayed calm through it all. I let the people involved know that I praise God for answering my prayer and revealing His truth to me. So, while I was heartbroken, I was also relieved, for He didn't allow me to re-establish relationships that would only have hurt me more, in the future. Still, the outcome is sad, in my opinion, for I feel very alone in this world, as you know. I am grateful for a few close, loving friends, but my heart's desire has always been for a loving, close-knit family. It's obviously just an elusive dream.
My daughter B, was a different story. She became so upset over the uncalled for, hurtful outburst, that she stood up shaking badly, grabbed her infant daughter from my arms and said she was leaving. I calmly asked her to stay, reminding her that we were not there for relatives, for me, for anyone...except her Uncle Glenn. My youngest daugter P, was able to calm B down enough that she stayed and didn't head for home. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!
Today, a friend of mine, here in Windsor, asked me what I had ever done to these people. My reply was: nothing. Never, ever, ever...did I hurt these people. Never. Whenever they were in need, I was there to help them. Whether it was supportive, financial, emotional, whatever.
In fact, I can say with all honesty, that one person in particular has hurt me in many ways, during my life. In every instance, I have forgiven the person. Yet, my grace and forgiveness towards them has never made a difference.
Of course, these people are either not saved, or if they are (after all, only God knows the condition of our heart), they are out of fellowship, not walking in the spirit with Him, but in the flesh. God's word tells us this makes a difference. Especially, when I am persecuted for my faith in Jesus, during the outbursts.
In any case, before I left Kitchener, after Glenn's funeral and reception, I made sure I hugged the people involved, told them I forgive them and let them know they should call me. Time will tell.
Oh well, as I've stated many times in the past, it seems that it is just not God's will for me to have a loving family. While I've been upset about this in the past, I am recognizing that He is revealing His will for my life and protecting me, in the process.
Only today, did I realize that the people involved have both had emotional problems in the past, that required medication. Both have very quick tempers that flare over virtually nothing. This reminded me that we have some Irish family members who have experienced mood problems. In addition, my Grandmother's sister had a problem sort of similar, but back then, there were no labels or medications available to help. Consequently, my Granny's foul-mouthed, hateful sister actually caused the breakup of both her children's marriages. Thinking of this, made me wonder if the people involved inherited some kind of gene, that I didn't. Who knows? Only God knows. I forgive them. Nothing more can be said.
Like my friends have said to me, we can choose our friends, but we cannot choose our family. May God bless them, now and always.
Until next time...
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