Saturday, July 31, 2010

Happy Birthday, Dear Gordon...

Happy Birthday, to you...
Happy Birthday, to you...
Happy Birthday, my precious Gordon...
Happy Birthday, to you!

Normally, this is what I would say and sing to Gordon on his birthday.  Today, was no exception.  Only, today he wasn't with me.  I was alone.  At his grave, I sat.  Talking, crying, praying to God and to Gordon.

I thought Gordon's birthday last year was lonely, for there was only the two of us celebrating his special day.  As I've said before, due to family problems and step-parent problems, we really only had each other.  Compared to this year, it was wonderful.

Last year in June, Gordon had been in the hospital.  His health seemed to be deteriorating, quickly.  Not to mention, that he had virtually given up on life.

We had been scheduled to attend a family wedding in N. Ireland, but cancelled out, because Gordon truly was not well enough.

So, there we were.  Just the two of us.  I baked him a birthday cake, as was my habit.  Over the years, I had lost my desire to make fancy cakes like the one I made him in 1979, pictured above with blue flowers.  Last year's was a rather plain, but tasty cake.  He enjoyed it.  I just wanted to cry, even as I took the photo of him, above. 

Actually, I took three (3) other photos of him, in addition to the one of him, published above.  The one where he blew out his candles was filled with smoke from the candles.  In one picture, Gordon began to cry just as I took the photo.  I think he was as sad as I, that day.

Had I realized it would be his last birthday we would celebrate together, I would have done things differently.  I would have made him a more fancy cake, like the one I made in 1979.  I would have made sure we had friends with us, to celebrate his special day.  But, we cannot turn back the clock.  Even if we could, I wouldn't want to, for this would mean I would have to once again live through the trying times that quickly followed.

Today, I took flowers to the cemetary, along with a card, for Gordon.  It may be difficult to see in the photo, but I placed a few flowers at Gordon's parents grave, in the distance behind, just four rows back.  After all, it was a special day for them, when Gordon was born.  Their first of two sons.

All in all, it was a heartbreaking day for me.  But, God helped me through it.  For this, I will be eternally grateful.  Thank You, Lord...

Gordon, while you were celebrating your 1st birthday in heaven with your daughter for the first time, as well as with your parents, other family and friends...and of course, my brother, Glenn, I was happy for you, that you aren't suffering anymore.  Now, if I could just stop suffering, it would truly be a blessing. 

I miss you.  I love you.  I always will.  Happy Birthday, my love.


Until next time...

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