Friday, July 9, 2010

Eve of Sorrows...

As you know, I usually write my entries in late evening, just as I am, tonight. When I woke up this morning, I actually felt good, rested and had no trouble speaking. Tonight, my throat feels raspy, my voice feels like I'm hoarse when I speak, I have a headache once again and my sinus' are feeling full.

Actually, I'm hoping I'm just following the same path I usually follow whenever I suffer from allergies or obtain a virus that attacks me. Usually, it begins with my sinus', throat, etc. Then moves to my lungs. In the past, before taking good quality vitamins, I sometimes needed antibiotics (sometimes repeats, too). From my lungs, the problem usually goes back to my head once more, then leaves. Hopefully, this is what is happening, today. I'm trusting that this is a good sign the symptoms will be gone, soon.

Meanwhile, I have truly felt yucky, today. Both physically and emotionally.

Of course, there are other reasons to feel yucky. Like the fact that I will be travelling several hours once more, to attend my baby brother's funeral, tomorrow. Truly, I am not looking forward to this. I am grateful to friends and family, for the support I've received.

There's another reason I've been feeling rather low. It was nine (9) months ago this evening, that I watched my husband's life begin to drift away from his body. The memory of his final day, spent in the hospital will never leave me.

Tonight, after midnight when it becomes July 10th, it will be nine (9) months since my beloved Gordon, died. At 12:30 am, to be exact.

Most months, I suffer for several days, even a week prior. Not this month, though. No, because Glenn died on July 1st, I haven't felt the full impact I normally do about losing Gordon. Actually, I was grateful that God had allowed me to feel like I was once again in a state of shock, because it made me feel paralysed, unable to feel any depth to the pain or sorrow I usually feel.

Even now, when I am feeling somewhat emotional, I know I am not feeling the full impact of the sorrow I feel. I know God is helping me through this day.

I have been praying God would do this for me, for if I were to have to deal with the full impact of what tomorrow represents, I'm not sure I could handle it, functioning the way I need to, tomorrow. No, I need to be strong, tomorrow.

Father, if it is Your will, I ask in the name of Jesus, that You will gird me up, give me Your peace that goes beyond all understanding. Lift me up, encourage me, help me to deal with not just the sorrows of the day, but let me be a bright light for You, Lord. Give me composure to be able to honour You and Glenn, not just for the burial ceremony when I will honour Glenn and You with a Eulogy giving a gospel message, but also when speaking/visiting with family and friends, who may/may not be congenial. Give me the strength I need to not just survive tomorrow, but to be a great testimony to You. I ask this in Jesus' name. Amen.

I have no doubt God will help me through tomorrow, for He loves me. I'm glad He does, for there truly isn't much love in this world. I trust Him. If I fall apart after tomorrow, so be it. God's will is always done. I just want to be a bright light, for Him, for I am not capable of being anything more than this.

Until next time...

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