Saturday, July 31, 2010

Happy Birthday, Dear Gordon...

Happy Birthday, to you...
Happy Birthday, to you...
Happy Birthday, my precious Gordon...
Happy Birthday, to you!

Normally, this is what I would say and sing to Gordon on his birthday.  Today, was no exception.  Only, today he wasn't with me.  I was alone.  At his grave, I sat.  Talking, crying, praying to God and to Gordon.

I thought Gordon's birthday last year was lonely, for there was only the two of us celebrating his special day.  As I've said before, due to family problems and step-parent problems, we really only had each other.  Compared to this year, it was wonderful.

Last year in June, Gordon had been in the hospital.  His health seemed to be deteriorating, quickly.  Not to mention, that he had virtually given up on life.

We had been scheduled to attend a family wedding in N. Ireland, but cancelled out, because Gordon truly was not well enough.

So, there we were.  Just the two of us.  I baked him a birthday cake, as was my habit.  Over the years, I had lost my desire to make fancy cakes like the one I made him in 1979, pictured above with blue flowers.  Last year's was a rather plain, but tasty cake.  He enjoyed it.  I just wanted to cry, even as I took the photo of him, above. 

Actually, I took three (3) other photos of him, in addition to the one of him, published above.  The one where he blew out his candles was filled with smoke from the candles.  In one picture, Gordon began to cry just as I took the photo.  I think he was as sad as I, that day.

Had I realized it would be his last birthday we would celebrate together, I would have done things differently.  I would have made him a more fancy cake, like the one I made in 1979.  I would have made sure we had friends with us, to celebrate his special day.  But, we cannot turn back the clock.  Even if we could, I wouldn't want to, for this would mean I would have to once again live through the trying times that quickly followed.

Today, I took flowers to the cemetary, along with a card, for Gordon.  It may be difficult to see in the photo, but I placed a few flowers at Gordon's parents grave, in the distance behind, just four rows back.  After all, it was a special day for them, when Gordon was born.  Their first of two sons.

All in all, it was a heartbreaking day for me.  But, God helped me through it.  For this, I will be eternally grateful.  Thank You, Lord...

Gordon, while you were celebrating your 1st birthday in heaven with your daughter for the first time, as well as with your parents, other family and friends...and of course, my brother, Glenn, I was happy for you, that you aren't suffering anymore.  Now, if I could just stop suffering, it would truly be a blessing. 

I miss you.  I love you.  I always will.  Happy Birthday, my love.

Until next time...

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Friday, July 30, 2010

In A Nutshell...

After reading my Bible, my lamp was turned off just a few minutes after 1:00 am.  It's getting earlier!  Sleep came, shortly after.  Even with waking up twice in the night and having trouble returning to my sleep each time, I still felt like I had more than enough sleep.  Thank You, Lord!

The real estate work that was put off yesterday, was supposed to be on my schedule for today.  However, it won't be; not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

My friend/co-worker/Realtor partner C and I have been disagreeing on how to handle the special circumstances of this situation we have been working on.  Last evening I made a decision on what to do about this.

Knowing that along with other people, we have been friends for years, and knowing I do not want to damage the working relationship and friendship we have, I decided to back out of the working arrangement we have, concerning this project.

This morning, we discussed the situation.  I reconfirmed to C that I would prefer to not be party to questionable situation.  No, there's nothing illegal going on; I wouldn't be party to that, ever.  In fact, I've been called a straight arrow by many, claiming it is a fault.  Call it what you will, when the government speaks, I follow.  This is simply a matter of not agreeing on how and what paperwork needs to be addressed.  Nothing major to some, but important to me.  While he thinks I am being picky, I believe I am not; just following proper protocol and government guidelines.

C will still benefit from all the work and experience of my commercial background, for I will supply him everything in my file, for him to use.  Even though he hasn't any commercial experience, he should do fine with my file.  Besides, he can always call me for help.  He's not angry; neither am I.  Personally, I'm glad this happened, even if it does mean that I have eliminated a future paycheque for myself.

Tomorrow, on my way to the cemetary, I will drop off a copy of my file to C and will wish him the best of luck.

This left some time today to update on Facebook (FB), make some phone calls and do other things that I needed to do.  At lunchtime, I went to the pool and accomplished my pool exercise.'s always a relief to accomplish something!

I may take a short nap this afternoon.  I'm not sure if I will sleep, but I am feeling like I need to relax and not feel so stressed out.

My friend J will be picking me up later.  She'll be bringing with her some frozen yogurt; I'm bringing one of my soft-sided coolers to keep it chilled.  We'll stop at our favourite pizza place, pick up two (2) pizzas and make our way to M & D's home.

Originally, J wanted to get together for pizza and salad, tonight.  At first, I said I would; later, I cancelled out, letting J know that I was feeling rather stressed over Gordon's birthday being tomorrow and felt I would be better at home, tonight.  This grief thing is horrible; I pray it will end, soon.

Then, my friend M called and e-mailed me, insisting I need to spend the evening with her and her husband, D; once again, the idea of pizza and salad for dinner came up.  She, being a re-married widow herself, insisted that staying home was not the right option and wouldn't take no for an answer. 

Since J knows M & D, we all agreed to make it a foursome.  We did this early in the year.  At first, I wasn't all that comfortable, for our foursomes used to be with Gordon and not J.  However, in the end, we did have a good time, together.  Even though I am feeling stressed, I am looking forward to the four of us being together.  So, I am not sad about our foursome, I am only sad that Gordon won't be with us.

Please don't think I am not grateful for my friends, for I am very grateful for them.  God brought them into my life and me into theirs, for whatever reasons.  While there are times when I am a support to them, it is now that they are being a support to me.  Even though my heart is breaking, I recognize they are trying to show me love, care and support.  Thank you, to each of you.  I'm blessed and I know it.  May God bless you, now and always.

So, there you have it!  My day and plans all in one nutshell.  And, today's entry posted quite a bit earlier than normal.

Now, if God will just give me the grace to get through tonight without bawling and making a fool of myself, I'll be grateful.

Until next time...

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Thursday, July 29, 2010


Sleep was elusive once again, last night.  Even so, once I got to sleep, I slept like a log.  Getting up this morning wasn't something I really wanted to do, but do we really have a choice?

What a day!  Without going into too much detail, I will just say that it was a very stressful day, both regarding work and life, in general.

On top of everything that is already happening, there has been some family stress.  My daughter P's boyfriend K, is having to go to the hospital daily for IV Antibiotic treatments, due to a problem that seems to be getting more and more serious, concerning his leg.  Hopefully, they'll get things under control, soon.  Thank you to any/all who will pray for K.  May God bless you.

P's Dad, who does not live in Windsor, insisted that she just repair her current vehicle.  After more discussion with the dealership, it was agreed to repair her car, with he and I sharing the cost of the repair.  They promised to address the unsafe issues that had burdened P, prior to yesterday's incident.  To be sure, P needs a vehicle.  I just hope this isn't a case of throwing good money, after bad.

Today, a friend asked why I was doing this.  Well, it's like this:  I recall what it was like playing taxi service with every need P and the children had, prior to her becoming licensed to drive and obtaining a vehicle.  I was almost run ragged.  Let's face it, with three (3) children, there is always someone sick, needing to see a doctor, or some personal trips that need doing, not to mention shopping, etc.

P's Dad doesn't really have a clear picture of what it's like, for he lives about a four (4) hour drive from here, in Brampton.  He's not the person being relied on, whenever something happens.

If I had my way, we would have been looking for another vehicle for her, for I am not convinced that this one will be any safer than it was before this incident happened, yesterday.  But then, it's not really my decision.  And, since I am now widowed and don't buy lottery tickets, I cannot say that I could financially do something like this on my own, without causing a major dent in my pocketbook.

Yes, P is an adult.  She is also living and trying to support her family on a disability pension.  There is no way she can afford extras or a vehicle, without occasional help.  This is one of those times.

There was some work I had planned to do this afternoon, but it was postponed for a while.  Oh well, that's life.  Hopefully, it will come together, soon.

This did leave me time to relax at the pool, doing my exercise that I try to do, daily.  It was not humid today, so it was actually enjoyable just having my windows and balcony door open.  Thank You, Lord!

This evening I watched a movie The Notebook.  Previously, I had seen the ending, but missed the movie, so today, I watched it.  While it was a very good movie, I sort of wish I hadn't watched it, for it was very sad.

Maybe, since I was already in a sad mood, it was good to have watched it, today.  I couldn't help but ask God why He hadn't taken me at the same time He took Gordon home.  The answer to this question will just have to wait, until I am in heaven.

Until next time...

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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Praise God! Thank You, Jesus! Family Safe!

Last night, I had a great sleep.  From about 1:00 am, until this morning.  Ahhh, thank You, Lord!

This morning I had work to do, got it done and even had time to go to the pool just before lunchtime, to do my exercise.

I had planned to do my bookkeeping this afternoon, so I could remit my GST for the second quarter of this year; it would be my last GST remittance, as HST began in July, as you are probably aware.  However, I didn't get to do my bookkeeping until this evening.  Actually, it's close to 11:00 pm, and I just finished doing what I needed to do, including filing out the form and writing the cheque.  Truly, I find this to be a pain, having to do this quarterly (every 3 months).  Most Realtors only have to remit annually, but not me!  Why?  Because, when I first received a business number, I was a retailer.

That's right!  In 1982, I registered a business and began doing home party sales.  In 1985, I expanded my business and opened my lingerie store (swimsuits, cruisewear, etc.).  So, when I began selling real estate in 1988, I was already registered as a business and had to file quarterly.  After I sold my business in 1990, I requested to be switched to the annual programme that Realtors are usually registered in; I was refused.  So, to this day, I have to file quarterly, instead of annually.

This afternoon, my plans to do this work, changed quickly.  As soon as I got the call from my youngest daughter P, that she had car trouble, I made myself available for her.

Apparently, as P was driving, she began to feel like the steering was pulling and within seconds, the ball joint on the driver's front axle broke.  Praise God, He helped her keep control of the vehicle!  Although she was blocking traffic, at least she didn't lose control and hit another vehicle or do any property damage.  Best of all, neither she nor my grandson S, was hurt! 

At first, I was concerned, because S has a heart problem and the stress of the situation, could have triggered the rapid heartbeat problem that is deadly.  He won't be able to have surgery, until he is close to his teens and he is only eight (8) years old, at the moment.  Thank You, Lord...for wrapping Your loving arms around them and protecting them.

As for the car, we're not sure what to do with it.  In my opinion, it wasn't really safe even before this occurred.  Her Dad had bought her the car, which belonged previously to a relative.  P had problems with the car, right from the time she received it.  Whenever the weather was damp, she would lose her power steering.  NOT GOOD! 

Gordon and I paid some repairs on it, for P is living and supporting her three (3) sons on a disability pension and cannot really afford extra expenses like repairs.  No matter what was done to this car, it never changed this steering problem. 

Now, with this repair of at least $1,000 or more plus taxes, I'm afraid she will have a car repaired to yesterday's standards, plus there will be body damage, from her fender becoming dented and her hood not fitting right after today's trauma.  Then, in my opinion, it would still be unsafe, with the steering problem that cannot seem to be resolved.  Oh yes, did I mention that the car had a recall on it, for undercarriage problems?  The dealership claims that today's incident is unrelated.  Hmmm...I wonder.

Being disabled and having children who always have needs, it's easy to see that P needs a vehicle.  Especially, a safe one!  For sure, I'll be praying about how I can help P with this problem.  Any/all prayer you can offer will be appreciated.  Blessings, to you.

Until next time...

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010


I'll tell you, it's not fun finding yourself awake until after 3:00 am.  However, this time, I didn't get up and play on Facebook (FB).  I was a good girl, stayed in bed and cried.  Oh well, I survived.

Today, was a busy work day for me, both in my home and outside my home, but I did find time to update on FB.  I must say that I enjoy it more than I thought I would.  When I was pressured to sign up for FB, I recall thinking I'd be lucky to have three (3) or more friends.  Ha!  Over 620, now! 

To me, the best part is that most of them are born-again Christians, who love Jesus and are not afraid to make comments, prayers and share Christian info, songs, etc.  They enjoy talking about Jesus!  Like me!

Lately, I have added a few friends I have not physically met.  Most, I have seen comments made by them on many occasions on Christian pages or pages of my current friends and vica versa.  At first, I was leary about accepting them as a friend, but after giving it some thought, I realized I had seen what was on their hearts, many times.

There has only been one (1) person I am concerned about.  This fellow is from Malaysia.  He claimed he was a born-again Christian.  Then, I noticed on his wall, info regarding Islam and game results from Islamic games.  So, I asked him about this.  He then said that he isn't really either Christian or Muslim.  After more conversation, he told me he is trying to bring about peace between Christians and Muslims, as he lives in a dangerous area.  In the end, he told me he is trying to get to know Jesus, better.

After finding out all this, I almost dropped him as a friend.  Instead, I decided to wait and pray about it.  You see, after taking courses and knowing personally people who have converted to Christianity from Islam, I know that the Quran and their other holy books, don't just encourage, but command Muslims to lie to infidels, if it means getting what they want.  Infidels.  That's you, me and indeed everyone in the world, who are not Muslims.  So far, I have not dropped the person as a friend.  I am trying to witness to him, in an effort to plant those seeds for Christ.  If I feel differently later, I may not continue.  Time wll tell.  Prayer about this continues.

On the other hand, last night I chatted with a woman from southern USA, who befriended me the other day.  Apparently, she saw some comments I made on various occasions; eventually, she found out I was widowed.  She told me that she felt compelled to find me and had trouble finding me again, as she couldn't remember my name.  Apparently, she prayed about this and once again found me.  The rest is history, as they say.  We became friends.

Last night, I must admit, she was a real encouragement to me.  I didn't bring up the subject of being widowed, she did.  Apparently, when she was younger, she was widowed and has since remarried.  Her life has been filled with trials, much like most believers.  Actually, I would wonder of the status of a believer, if they said they didn't have any problems, but that is another story and topic for another day.

In any case, she felt compelled to speak to me and let me know that God really does have a plan for my life.  She told me that if I am like she was, I must feel like my life is over.  Boy, did she hit the nail on the head!  However, she had prayed about me and for me; she felt compelled to tell me that God had a plan for me in a ministerial capacity, for my skills were great.  She also told me she didn't think I would be alone in my endeavour as she felt I would be married to a minister, later.

Hopefully, so.  My only concern is, did God really speak to her?  Or, is this something I should be concerned about.  I've been praying about this.

On my way out this evening, I stopped by my friend J's.  She asked me to drop by, because she had a gift for me from her friend S, who lives in Toronto.  I received a lovely container of homemade goodies with a note telling me she was thinking of me.  The container was brimming with white chocolate, filled with various candies, nuts and coconut, etc.  Mmmm...delicious!  Thank you, S!  Being diabetic yourself, you know neither of us should have this, but is delicious!

Tonight, I attended a prayer group meeting at my friend A's home.  Some of the people couldn't make it; it is summertime, after all!  So, there were only A, her husband K and myself.  Well, one thing to be said about a small group is... it is intimite.  Since we have been long-time friends, it was a wonderful time of prayer and fellowship.

Everyone seems to think I will remarry, including my friends.  I cannot imagine this.  I feel like I already had my second chance at happiness and lost it, when Gordon died.  Marry, again?  I doubt it.  But then, who knows.  Only the shadow?  No, only God knows for sure the plan he has for me and my life.

The only thing I have been asking for, is that for once in my life, I would like something good to happen for me.  I've had my limit with pain, sorrow, suffering and sadness. 

Lord, please help me through this week.  I've done more crying this week, than I have in quite a while.  But, it is the last few days leading up to Gordon's birthday.  I feel brokenhearted and don't know when this will end.  If it is Your will, I know that I'll get through Gordon's birthday, without losing my mind, too.  I ask this in Jesus' precious name and thank You, in advance.  Amen.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Support, Prayer...and Happy Birthday, B!

Before I forget, I would like to take a moment and wish my older brother B, a very Happy Birthday!  May God bless you with a love-filled birthday and a happy & healthy year ahead!  Luv ya!!

It was about 1:00 am, when I shut off my lamp.  Sleep came, but not quickly.  However, I did manage to get a good night's rest!

Being a work day, I did what I needed to do, but it did not take a full day.  My real estate partner/friend C was tied up, so we put off some of what we had planned to do today, until tomorrow.  The reason?  His daughter J, is in hospital.  She has many health problems, including a brain tumour.  Apparently, she is jaundiced, due to 'whatever' affecting her liver.  Today, she was transferred temporarily to another hospital to have a liver biopsy.

I've spoken about this before.  I mean, about how a liver can be damaged by other sources than alcohol abuse, including by inflammation.

Please pray for J.  She has been in and out of hospital now, for several weeks.  Her marriage fell apart more than a year ago.  She has two (2) young sons that need her.  Thank you, for your prayer.  May God bless you, richly.

Last night, after writing my entry, I entered a Christian Prayer Chat Room.  There was a person in there who was talking about committing suicide; she didn't have much knowledge of the Bible.  Many of us chatted with her; hopefully, she is okay.  Please pray for her and all who have considered suicide.  It is terrible when anyone, especially a Christian, is so overwhelmed that they would consider suicide.

This brings up pain in my life.  No matter how much I cry, no matter how much pain I am in, no matter how overwhelmed I have felt, I would never do that.  Of course, many people don't even know what they would do if they found themselves feeling like their life was worthless.

It was heartbreaking for me to watch my husband Gordon, when he was feeling this way.  Between his declined health caused from his inoperable brain tumour, lack of available treament and all the suffering he experienced, he prayed daily that God would take him home.  Some of how he self-medicated partially contributed to his life problems and maybe even his death, but I can honestly say I don't know how I would deal with his situation, if I had been in his shoes. 

What I do feel is pain, from realizing that I couldn't help him.  I feel/felt so inadequate.  I wasn't enough for him.  I couldn't help him even deal with his depression.  No medicines, no treatment, no support = no hope, for him.

Praise God, for the wonderful support I have felt from friends, especially since family support is lacking.  I am grateful to God, for all the trials I have experienced in my life, even if I have hated them.  I know that without experiencing all the tragedy, I would not have grown as close to God as I have.

However, not everyone has even support from friends.  Some people's lives are so filled with tragedy, it's heartbreaking, especially if they don't have a close relationship to God.

If I've heard people speak like this, I am sure you have, too.  Some people honestly believe that tragedy is a result of not living right.  Sometimes, this is the case, but not always.  Even if it is the case, the person needs the love and support of anyone who is willing to give it.  I call it, the love of Christ, that lives within those who belong to Him.

Today, I had a really sorrowful day.  As a matter of fact, for about an hour this afternoon, I couldn't do anything but cry.  Yes, I went to the pool to do my exercise, but even that didn't lift me up.  I praise God, for the support I receive even from Facebook (FB) friends and the Christian sites I receive information from.

I cry out to Jesus to help me, ALWAYS.  God always seems to know my need before I do, but then, He did tell us He knows the end from the beginning.  While I have always enjoyed listening to Dr. David Jeremiah, on FB I am a fan, so I receive updates automatically, daily.

Dr. Jeremiah was speaking today, about Job.  Amazing, how God just knew I needed to be reminded about the story of Job.  If you haven't read it, please do so.

Just listening to his broadcast lifted me up.  Praise God!  Thank You, Jesus!  I'm blessed.  I know it.

Until next time...

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Sunday, July 25, 2010

Love the Sinner; Hate the Sin...

It was late when I drifted off, but no later than last night.  The best part is waking up, without the alarm ringing in my ears.  Yes, my alarm was set, but I was already awake when I heard it.  Isn't that a wonderful feeling?  Slowly regaining consciousness, opening one or both eyes slightly, realizing it's morning.  Then turning over, to drift off once again, whether it be for a few moments or longer.  It doesn't matter.  It's so-o relaxing to wake up this way!

This relaxed feeling stayed with me throughout the day.  Since it's Sonday, I did my usual thing, got ready and went to worship my Lord.  On the way, I prayed God would provide me with a parking space close to my church.  Our parking lot is always full.  Yes, we have an agreement to park across the street at what used to be a Legion Hall, but now is an English as a Second Language (ESL) school.  If you can get a spot in the front lot, it's okay, but if you can't, it's quite a distance to walk to my church.

There it was!  A spot, right in front of my church, on the street.  Lord, thank You.  You always provide for me, with the smallest of needs.  Because of this, I am constantly reminded:  Why not Gordon?  Why not healing for him?  I'm sure about now, you would just remind me it just wasn't God's will.  I know it.  Better than anyone.

After our worship service, I visited with my friend who is hosting the couple who got married last Tuesday and their family.  You'll remember that I sang at their wedding.  Knowing they would be leaving Windsor soon, I thought I'd see them once more.

Later, I did some shopping.  Then, on my way to the cemetary, I dropped by my daughter P's for a few minutes.  P told me about the wedding they attended, yesterday.  Actually, she almost had me babysit, because she thought her babysitter was going to back out, but in the end, she didn't need me.  Shucks!  I would have enjoyed being with my grandsons; so, I was disappointed about this, yesterday.

Since I carry a lawn chair in my van, I spent a short time sitting at Gordon's grave.  Just doing the usual.  Talking to him and the Lord.  Crying.  Trying to make sense of it all.

After unpacking my groceries, I made something to eat and relaxed on Facebook, for a while.  That feeling of relaxation I told you about was still with me and I grew tired, so I went and had a nap!  This time, I set my alarm for one half hour, to make sure I didn't oversleep (I'd like to sleep, tonight), but when the alarm went off, I could hardly wake up and kept resetting the snooze alarm.  What would we do without a snooze alarm?!

Eventually, I got up.  For almost two hours, my friend J and I spoke on the telephone.  She had been away in Toronto and we hadn't spoken to get caught up, yet.  lol  The only reason we hung up, was because her phone was dying!  :-))

Thank you, to all who prayed for Lisa, last night.  Later, I heard she was alright.  However, if it is not too much trouble, please continue praying for her.  She is obviously distressed.  It truly matters not what her problems are.  She is a believer, who has been overwhelmed with tragedy.

Sort of like me.  Maybe you, too.  Surely, at some point in your life, you may have felt overwhelmed with what life dished out to you.  It's only my opinion, but since God said WHEN we receive trials, and not IF, I believe that anyone trusting in Jesus, is going to burdened at some point in their life.  Especially, if the person is walking with Jesus, doing God's work.  After all, satan doesn't have to hurt those who belong to him; his fiery darts seem to affect God's children, as he makes his effort to be able to say to God that we are worthless, etc.

When I feel overwhelmed, with this grief, I have to constantly remind myself that God made promises to me, like He'd never leave me, nor forsake me.  That He'd be with me always, even to the end of the age.  That He has a plan for my life and that He would never allow me to receive more than I can handle.  There's more, but that will suffice for now.

While this makes it easier for me to deal with the pain or sorrow of life's trial, I do have to remind myself.  What about those who haven't memorized scripture, to be able to claim it and trust in it, when in need?  What about those, who are so overwhelmed that they cannot claim those promises?

What if life becomes too difficult to deal with?  One of Gordon's friends committed suicide.  A Facebook friend admitted to me that her Dad committed suicide after his second wife died.  Yes, even Christians do this.

It's at times like this when I recall that whether it be regarding despair, or sin in the lives of those we know, love or even have not yet met, we are to love the sinner...and hate the sin. 

Until next time...

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Saturday, July 24, 2010

Depression & Suicide...

At 12:30 am, I crawled into bed.  Sleep followed close behind.  This is the earliest in weeks that I have been able to be tired enough to sleep, at this early a time.  Praise God for you, who have been faithful prayer warriers, praying for me, such an unworthy person.  May God bless each of you.  Thank You, Jesus!

This morning, having nothing on my agenda for today, I relaxed, spent some time on Facebook (FB) and read the paper.  Nothing important, really. 

Noticing that the sky was growing dark, I got ready and went to the pool to exercise.  Not before praying that God would hold off the storm, so I could fulfill my mission.  He was faithful to me and answered my prayer in a positive way.  Just as I was finishing up my exercise, the raindrops began to fall. 

While I was happy and thankful that God answered my prayer, in a positive way, it reminded me that it seems He always answers my small, little, of-no-consequence prayers, yet the big ones in my life, He has chosen to say 'no'.  Like my prayer for healing for Gordon.

Most people have no idea how he suffered.  Gordon suffered in ways I won't even go into, here.  While I am glad his suffering has ended, I wish mine would.  Lord, I keep praying for healing, but healing never comes.  I know.  You're reminding me that You will heal me, in Your time...and not before.  I've heard people say things like I need to be patient.  It's easier said than done, especially when your suffering looks like it will never end.  Have faith, others say.  I do have faith; my faith in Jesus Christ gets me through every day.  I truly could not make it, without Him.

Still, I am grateful for my friends, many of whom are on FB.  Not all, but some.  My mind has been in turmoil, realizing that Gordon's birthday is coming up one week from today, on the 31st of July.  He would be turning 63, had he lived.  So, I posted a request, asking for suggestions about what I could do to celebrate the day.  Maybe celebrate is too strong a word.  Maybe not.  Maybe celebrate is a good word.

Thank you to all who responded with a suggestion.  Some ideas I already had in mind; others were something to consider.  Well, I have a week to think about it and make a decision. 

The trouble is, most people think that there is family or friends to celebrate with me, but truly, there isn't.  Due to family problems, step-parent problems, etc., there is really no family that cared enough for him to celebrate with me.  Due to many people retiring, most of Gordon's friends I have lost touch with.  A couple live out of town.  One committed suicide, over life problems. 

There's really no one to celebrate Gordon's life with.  Just me.  No different than when I go to the cemetary.  I'm always alone.  Not once has anyone ever been with me.  Nor, have I ever found any evidence of anyone attending his grave.  Sad, isn't it?

This is one reason I hurt so much.  This is such an evil world we live in.  Life is hard.  If any of us has friends or family that truly care, it is rare.  At least, in my experience.

Tonight, on FB, I prayed for a woman...Lisa.  I haven't met her.  A FB friend requested prayer for her.  Apparently, Lisa wants to commit suicide.  It broke my heart reading this.  I'm sure you already know, that I prayed for her.  In fact, I prayed for her and for others who may be considering suicide as an option to end their life.

One of my friends once told me that life is a gift.  In some ways, I agree.  In other ways, I don't.  It hasn't been a gift to me.  It's truly been one HUGE trial, that's never ended.

I'm sure that Lisa and others who either attempt or are successful at taking their lives, have led difficult lives, too.  Gordon not only suffered physical problems, but like anyone with severe health concerns, pain and suffering, was very depressed.  Much like I presume Lisa and others are.

If I could speak to anyone directly, I would ask them to please accept Jesus Christ as their Saviour, if they haven't already.  Then, pray.  Pray that it is God's will to heal them, to remove the sadness and depression from their hearts and minds.  And trust in Him.  If they know scripture, recall some of the promises God made to us.  If they don't know scripture, read God's Word, to find out how much God truly loves them.

After all is said and done, God tells us in Ephesians 6:13, "Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand."

To my Christian brothers and sisters in the Lord, please pray for Lisa and others who may be contemplating suicide.  To Lisa and others, I pray you will reach out to Jesus Christ.  Touch the hem of His garment.  And, stand.

Until next time...

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Friday, July 23, 2010

Two Kinds of Love...

I had a early night last night.  It was only about 2:30 am, when I shut out my light.  Except for a couple of times a few months ago, I haven't been dreaming.  Until last night, that is.  Don't ask me what I dreamed about, for I cannot recall.  Don't you just hate that?!

If you've been reading lately, you know that I've been writing about love.  Not being 'in love', but love, as in God's love.

Just to summarize quickly, I would like to say that if we love others, the way God wants us to, we will be honest with them.  No, we don't have to be rude, but can do this in a loving manner.  We can show God's love by telling them the truth about God, what He expects of them, plus help them to see that they too, are sinners, in need of a Saviour.  Just like you.  Just like me.

I didn't have much of a schedule for work, today.  Although there was some excitement, that literally died this evening.  Oh well!  So be it! life.  At least mine!

Knowing it called for storms later today, I made sure I found time around noon to go to the pool.  As per normal when I'm in the pool, I worked out.  Did my exercise routine.

While in the pool, I met a couple I had said 'hello' to, yesterday.  We didn't speak yesterday, because they had guests.  Family.  Even their grandchildren were there.  Yesterday, I recalled thinking I hadn't seen them until recently and presumed they were new to the building.  It tugged at my heart that they had grandchildren with them in the pool.  I've lived here almost four (4) years now.  My grandchildren have yet to come for a swim.

Today, the wife forgot something upstairs, so left to get it.  Her husband introduced himself, just as I was finishing up exercising.  We spoke about them having moved in only a couple of weeks ago.

Our conversation continued even after the wife returned.  They have a fifth wheel trailer and had travelled out west last summer.  Due to moving, no trip was planned for this summer.  However, they are planning to visit Arizona this winter. 

Arizona!  I couldn't resist telling them how wonderful and different Lake Havasu City, Arizona is, compared to the cities in the rest of the state.  Hopefully, they will make sure they visit there, even for a short time.  They will be shocked at how nice it is!

During our conversation, the husband mentioned God, so I asked if they were Christian.  Yes, they responded they are and told me where they worship.  Apparently, they met there.  She being alone 25 years, met him just after he became widowed.  They were married shortly after.

The husband said he believed that no one should be alone, claiming that everyone needs somebody.  Be still my heart... 

Although I could relate to what he said, it was so-o shocking to me that he remarried within a few months of his wife's death.  It made me wonder if he loved his deceased spouse, at all.  Oh well, it's none of my business.  Still, I cannot imagine doing this.  I can hardly grasp the fact that my husband is dead.

They asked about me.  I explained that Gordon died last October.  After some discussion on our spouses health problems and their deaths, we agreed that we can be happy they are no longer suffering.  Actually, I enjoyed their company.  Hopefully, we'll become friends as we get to know each other, better.

However, what we didn't discuss is the fact that I am suffering.  I feel horrible.  I hate my life.  I hate being alone.  The condition of my life, is not what I ever dreamed would happen to me.  But, here I am, all by my lonesome.

Every day, I cry out to God to help me, for I cannot do this.  He does.  Every day.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to get through this pain.

Love in the human sense, has not been good to me.  How often does love come into your life?  Not very.  Let's face it.  We don't fall in love with just anyone.  It takes a 'special' person, to be a soulmate.

If you are married, enjoy your spouse.  Love them.  Love your life, together.  And praise God for it.

Until next time...

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Thursday, July 22, 2010

More About Truth...

Well, it was about 5:00 am, when I finally drifted off. When my alarm went off, I shut it off and went back for more zzz's for a couple hours.

Today, was my day for attending the morning meeting of the women's support meeting. As you know, I wasn't sure I really fit in with the group. A phone call last evening, confirmed this. Actually, I'm glad the call happened, for I truly do not want to become dependant upon a 'programme' for every life. I would rather lean on Jesus. He's my guide.

This evening I watched a movie: Meet My Mom. Yes, it was a romantic story, with a happy ending. Sigh... wouldn't it be nice if life were really like this?

Once again, what I intend to discuss is not directed to any particular group or person. Please do not take personal offense to what I write, for I am not trying to hurt anyone. I wish not to grumble against one another (James 5:9). Rather, I feel it is my obligation as a child of God, to speak truth, for the benefit of all.

Over the last few days, I've been discussing love. Not being 'in love', but rather, God's love.

We've learned that God loves us. That this is not all there is to love, for in return, God tells us that if we love Him, we will do what he asks. A couple of days ago, I printed some of what God expects from us. Feel free to review this, at your leisure.

In yesterday's entry, I discussed that we can err/sin by omission. By not speaking truth, others can be hurt, for they are not made aware of dangers.

There are other ways people can be hurt. For example, there are groups around who worship God, who preach/teach what I would call a 'partial gospel message', focussing only on God's love and not preaching/teaching about what God expects from us. These God's love/feel good ministries, in my opinion, tend to lead people into false security. Why? Because, as we read yesterday, many will stand before Christ during judgement, thinking they have gained eternal life, only to find Jesus telling them to get away from Him, for He never knew them (Matthew 7:21-23).

There I go again. Someone will be sure to try to tell me that I'm being paranoid. But, I'm not. God's Word is His Word. Not mine.

The Bible is God's inspired Word, infallible, inerrant. People either believe this, or they don't. There's no grey area, here. Just like, a person is either pregnant, or they're not. There's no inbetween. No room for partial thinking.

Unfortunately, there are groups and individuals who maintain they are believers, yet view the Bible as if it is a buffet, picking and choosing what they like and ignoring the rest. Or even worse, preaching/teaching false truths.

Some examples:

* Abortion. The Bible clearly prohibits taking the life of an innocent person. Read it for yourself in these verses: Genesis 20:13, "You shall not murder." Proverbs 6:16-19 speaks about more than just the shedding of innocent blood, "These six things the Lord hates. Yes, seven are an abomination to Him. A proud look. A lying tongue. Hands that shed innocent blood. A heart that devises wicked plans. Feet that are swift in running to evil. A false witness who speaks lies. And one who sows discord among brethren."

* Homosexuality. It is an abomination to God. Leviticus 18:22 tells us, "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination." Also, it is clearly stated in Leviticus 20:13, "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them."

* Same sex marriage. Surely, the same verses apply as for homosexuality.

* Preaching a gospel message to all creatures of the world. As quoted previously, Mark 16:15 commands us, "And He (Jesus) said to them, 'Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature'."

Yes, God's Word is clear on these subjects and more. 1Corinthians 6:9-10 tells us, "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolators, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God."

The good news is explained to us as we continue further in 1Corinthians 6:11, "And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God." Praise God for this!

The trouble is, God's Word tells us that there will be false teachers as explained in 2Peter 2:1, "But there were also false prophets among the people, even as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Lord who brought them, and bringing on themselves swift destruction." Today's false teachers will be leading people straight to hell, by not preaching/teaching God's truth. Everyone needs to know they are sinners in need of salvation... and how to obtain it.

As you can see, many people will be led astray. Please, don't be one of them. Don't believe, teach or preach a false gospel. Speak the truth as set out in Matthew 5:37, "But let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no', 'no'. But whatever is more than these is from the evil one."

Remember, that we who are saved have a great responsibility to others. We read of Jesus explaining in Luke 12:48, "...For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required, and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more."

Some call themselves Christians, but never speak of Jesus. Some feel it is wrong to reach out and tell others about their future, if they don't come to Christ, because they feel it may hurt the person's feelings. This attitude is totally wrong, as we read in Matthew 5:14-16, "You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." Be more afraid of hurting God's feelings, than the feelings of people who need salvation.

So, am I being paranoid? No. I am trying to be obedient, in my life. Making every effort to walk the talk. Fearing my God as set out in Psalm 111:10, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; A good understanding have all those who do His commandments. His praise endures forever." Again in Proverbs 9:10, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding."

Friends, if you don't know Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour, don't put it off. Contact me, or someone who is a born-again Christian, who has searched the scriptures and understands God's Word. If you have been saved, but are out of fellowship, repent and be restored to Him.

Yes, it is all about love. God is love...and so much more. Fear God, more than man. Let your light shine before men. Reach out and touch someone, today. May God bless you, now and always.

Until next time...

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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

To The Least Of These...

Sleep came earlier, last night. It was only about 2:30 am, when I turned out the light. Sleep came soon after. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

Before I forget, I would like to mention that my neighbour/friend K knew that I was feeling rather low for a while now. She is such a blessing to me, always. Arriving home after the wedding, I found some wonderful homemade chicken soup waiting for me. Yes, K had made it and was kind enough to give some to me, to cheer me up. Today, I enjoyed every delicious spoonful! But, I'm not sure what cheered me up, more. The chicken soup, or the note that was attached, letting me know that I am loved. It made me cry, for truly, I feel so very alone and unloved. I wish God would just take me home; I don't want to be here, anymore. Still, I thank you, K. May God bless you for being such a good friend to me.

As I did yesterday, I would like to say that what I am about to discuss is not directed toward any particular group or individual. Please don't take any personal offense to what I discuss here, as it is not my intention to hurt anyone, in any way.

Yesterday, I discussed love. Not being in love. But, love; the kind God discusses with us in His Word, the Bible. Feel free to refer to the list I spoke about in yesterday's entry, discussing what God expects from us.

Let's go back to the idea of family love, for a moment. If you are a parent and your young child has just ran out onto the street. A car is approaching. Would you not save your child? Of course you would. Any good parent would.

What if you knew that over the upcoming hill, the bridge was washed out from recent flooding. You know there is no sign warning drivers. You see a car approaching the hill. Would you try to stop the driver, to warn of the danger ahead, or would you just let the car drive up over the hill, to fall into the river, where the driver and passengers could die? If you had love for others, you would want to make every effort to stop the driver, wouldn't you?

Recently, I've experienced some unusual situations, one where a friend thought I was being paranoid about the Islamic problem, that is evident throughout the world. I assure you, I am not paranoid. It is truly a major problem. In my opinion, the only reason most people are not concerned, is because they don't realize the problem exists.

Of course, because we in North America, think we have not yet had our lives drastically affected by Islam, doesn't mean there isn't a problem. Whenever possible, I try to speak up to educate my brothers and sisters in the Lord, and others, about this problem that is growing, as we speak.

When most people think of the effects of Islam, the most common thing heard is about what happened on 9/11. The problem is, in my opinion, that what happened on 9/11 was only the tip of the iceberg. It was only a warning sign as to what we can look forward to. Until today, I have never publically talked about this, but I believe that I saw two (2) of the men who participated in the 9/11 tragedy, right here in Windsor, ON, Canada, at a gas bar/convenience store. Canada!

Okay. So, 9/11 happened in USA and not Canada. So what? Whatever happens in USA, usually happens in Canada, within a relatively short time. Even our government has caught terrorists, before terrible things could happen to us, here in Canada. Just look at the movement currently being made in attempt for our government to allow Sharia (Islamic) Law. If this were to be allowed, it would destroy our current justice system and put at risk all women.

Unfortunately, because our Canadian government decided to not participate with USA, in protecting the N. American perimeter borders, we in Canada are having more and more problems crossing the border into USA. Restrictions are growing. So are tensions. Some may say, 'so what'? Well, when they want to travel to/through USA, or if they ever live in a border city, they'll find out what 'so what' means.

Take Windsor, ON for example. The border crossing problem is real. At times, trucks are lined up from around the area of where Hwy #401 ends and Huron Church Rd. begins, leading to the bridge. Due to heavier and heavier restrictions/guidelines/laws in USA, the Immigration Inspectors are taking much longer to process traffic. The volume of traffic puts our residents at risk with traffic problems (just try to change lanes, legally!), trucks blocking intersections, etc. Not to mention the emissions from miles & miles/kilometers & kilometers of these idling trucks that are polluting the air. People breathe this, daily.

Should we blame USA? Of course not! Even though we are not American, we can surely see and understand that with Canada or without, USA needs to protect themselves as best they can from terrorism.

Getting back to loving others. In my opinion, it would be unloving of me, even tragic, if I did not make every effort to warn others of the threat of Islam.

Today, a friend on Facebook (FB) posted a YouTube entry regarding Islam. No, I have not yet published it on my wall, but shortly, I will.

You can find the YouTube clip at:
Or, search on YouTube for: Idiots Guide to Islam - Introduction - Part 1. There are several parts. Part 24 is what I first viewed, today; it was excellent viewing. Educational, for sure. For more information on/about the people who created this series, search out:

Please, I lovingly ask you to educate yourself, regarding Islam. The threat is real. It will not go away. The best we can do is to educate ourselves, others and pray about this. Then, do our best, however God leads and leave the rest to Him.

Remember, being unloving towards someone doesn't have to mean you've done something to them that's sinful. It can also mean what you didn't do. Jesus said in Matthew 25:40, "...Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these, My brethren, you did it to Me." But, Jesus also said in Matthew 25:45, "...Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me."

Surely, we must remember what was discussed yesterday about loving others as ourselves. What would Jesus think of us, if we did not teach/educate others about threats to our very existance?

This really wasn't going to be my topic for today, continued from yesterday's entry, but my original thoughts will have to wait until tomorrow.

Until next time...

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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

More About Love...

Don't even ask about it. No, I didn't get much sleep. It was after 4:00 am when I finally got to sleep. Around 8:00 am, I looked at the clock; I had already been awake for a while, just wishing I could drift off once again. No such luck!

A fellow realtor friend of mine, who used to live in Brampton, but now lives in downtown Toronto, asked me on Facebook (FB) how I was. My reply was that although I know I am not garbage, I feel like garbage. Truly, I've had about all the stress I can handle. Grief upon grief, upon family problems, loneliness, health problems. I've had it! I know...this too shall pass...

Today was another one of those days when I dreaded having to go out, because I knew I was going to be feeling happy, yet stressed, once again. On my way to sing at the wedding, I went to Gordon's grave. Due to construction traffic tie-ups, I really only was able to stay a few minutes.

Yesterday, was another 'first', attending a wedding shower; today, was once again another 'first'. Not just attending a wedding, but singing at it. The first since Gordon's death. Be still my heart.

Once I arrived where the wedding was taking place, I felt much better. I was able to keep my feelings in check, wear a happy face and truly wish the couple a happy lifetime, together. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus...for helping me, today. In case you are interested, I sang You Raise Me Up, but with one of my little twists, that honours Jesus; acapella, of course!

I would like to discuss more about love. Not the kind of love one feels when a person is in love, but the kind of love God expects us to have.

Before I begin, I would like to say that what I would like to discuss is not directed towards any one person or group, so please don't take personal offense to any issues discussed. In addition, while I may not be as educated as some, I believe that my many years of learning/Bible study, has given me a good grasp of God's Word and what He expects from me, you and indeed, anyone who claims to belong to Him.

Love. Everyone wants it. Everyone needs it. God gives it to those who belong to Him. However, God expects us to love Him.

In John 14:15 Jesus tells us, "If you love Me, keep My commandments." God expects that we will obey what He has asked of us, if we love Him.

Similarly, 1John chapter 2 is a great chapter to read, to better understand how we know if we belong to Him. Verse 3-4 tells us, "Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says 'I know Him', and does not keep his commandments, is a liar and the truth is not in him." In this chapter, we are also told to not hate our brother. Verses 15-17 say, "Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life - is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it, but he who does the will of God abides forever." God's Word finishes the chapter by saying, "And now little children, abide in Him, that when He appears we may have confidence and not be ashamed before Him at His coming. If you know that He is righteous, you know that everyone who practices righteousness is born of Him."

Something else God expects of us is found in James 1:22, "But be doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves."

In Mark 16:15-16 we are told, "and He (Jesus) said to them, 'Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature'. He who believes and is baptized will be saved, but he who does not believe will be condemned."

Matthew chapter 7 is another great chapter. Jesus tells us, "Judge not that you be not judged." The judgement discussed is sometimes confused by some. While we are not to judge, God did tell us to discern. On GRACE TO YOU website, a simple definition of discernment is quoted, "In its simplest definition, discernment is nothing more than the ability to decide between truth and error, right and wrong. Discernment is the process of making careful distinctions about our thinking about truth. In other words, the ability to think with discernment is synonymous with an ability to think Biblically." One example of discernment is 1Thessalonians 5:21-22, "Test all things. Hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil."

Matthew 7:12 tells us that Jesus said, "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them..."

In verses 14-16, Jesus said, "Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits."

Jesus gives more insight, in verses 21-23, "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And I will declare to them, I never knew you, depart from me, you who practice lawlessness."

So, to recap, God said:

* If we love Him, we'll keep His commandments; if we don't, we are liars and the Truth is not in us.

* We are told to not hate our brother.

* We are not to love the world or the things of the world.

* We are to practice righteousness.

* We are to be doers of the Word and not hearers, only.

* We are to preach the gospel to every creature of the world.

* We are to not judge, but are to discern between truth and error, right and wrong, testing all things.

* We are to abstain from evil.

* We are to do to others as we would have them do to us.

* We are to beware of false prophets, recognizing that we will know them by their fruits. In order to do this, we must know God's Word.

* When all is said and done, when we stand before the Lord in judgement, He can still tell us that even though we did things for Him, He never knew us and order us to depart from Him. the name of Love.

Where am I going with this? Well, there's too much to discuss in this entry, so I just wanted to lay the groundwork for tomorrow's discussion.

Thank you for reading and for your patience. Be blessed.

Until next time...

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Monday, July 19, 2010

All You Need Is Love...

It's a good thing I woke up feeling rested, today. If I hadn't, it would have made a stressful day even worse.

Today was one of those days you wish you had stayed in bed. Or, maybe wished you could go back to bed. Or, wished you could go out for bread and never come back!

Well, one thing was for sure, I wasn't looking forward to attending a wedding shower, this evening. Even though it was to celebrate the upcoming marriage of the daughter of a brother and sister in the Lord from my church family, I had thought of just dropping off the gift. However, this was something I just could not do.

Friends of Gordon and mine, who live in Amherstburg, messaged me on Facebook (FB), to let me know a mutual friend P, was going to be attending the shower and asked me to sit and share some quality time with her. So, I did.

Actually, it turned out I was okay, after all. Yes, the thought of someone getting married tugged at my heartstrings. Yes, I will go through this tomorrow, when I once again have to be around a happy people celebrating their love. Believe me, I have not been looking forward to these two days. Especially feeling brokenhearted still about losing Gordon. And, now my brother, too.

The groom to be showed up at the shower. It was easy to see that they are in love. I think that's wonderful. After all, isn't that what life is all about? Love.

All day, I haven't been able to get a song by the Beatles, out of my mind. It's called, "All You Need Is Love!" Wouldn't it be nice if this were really true?!

What is LOVE? Most people think about love and they think of a feeling that pulls on their heartstrings. However, the Bible tells us that love is not a feeling, at all. It's a choice.

1Corinthians 13:4-8 says, "Love suffers long and is kind, love does not envy, love does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..."

If there is one thing I've realized in my life, it's that satan is alive and well. He's a thief that comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10). He's reared his ugly head once again, trying to destroy yet another relationship in my life.

Within the last few days, a problem has arisen with a friend of mine, being both a long-time friend from childhood as well a friend on FB. In the past, we've had differences of opinion, all relating to our knowledge and understanding of God's Word.

I recognize that as Christians, we need to be united, but this is not always possible. Especially with such a variety of groups who have a variety of teachings. However, I've always been taught that these differences should never divide people. For, until we get to heaven, we are only seeing through a glass, darkly.

The New King James version of the Bible says in 1Corinthians 13:12-13, "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest of these is love."

Anyone who has read the entire Bible knows that in the Old Testament (the covenant God had with Israel), God gave Moses the tablets with the Ten (10) Commandments. However, in the New Testament, Jesus told us about Two Commandments.

In Mark 12:29-31, God's Word says, "Jesus answered him, 'The first of all the commandments is Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength. This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: You shall love your neighbour as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these' ".

Where am I going with this? Well, as you can see, the Bible speaks of love as being very important. We need to have love towards one another. It is commanded of us. The problem comes in thinking of how one perceives the definition of love.

After reading the above verses, on the surface, one would think love would be easy to understand. But, in my opinion, it is more complex than that.

The difference of opinion with my friend, is coming from this idea of love. My friend's opinion seems to be that if you love someone, you should never say anything that might upset them. Whereas, my opinion is that if you love someone, you will be honest, forthright, speak truth, and open their eyes to truth, even at the risk of hurting the person's feelings.

Haven't we all heard the phrase, "the truth hurts"? It sometimes does. I believe the scriptures, when it says that love rejoices in the truth. In my mind, it wouldn't be loving of me to know the person I was trying to show love to, was kept in the dark, not knowing reality, especially reality that has the potential of changing the persons life. Not to mention, where they might spend eternity.

So, I ask you to please pray over this situation. My friend has been a good person and a real support to me, especially since my life has fallen apart. I would not want to lose my friend, especially over an issue of this sort. May you be blessed, now and always.

Until next time...

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Sunday, July 18, 2010

Tears... Stand...

Thank you, to anyone who prayed for me to sleep well, for I did. I even woke up today, before my alarm was due to go off.

As per usual for a Son-day morning, I went to worship at my church. Well, actually, it's been about three (3) weeks since I have been able to do so, but I sure felt good, for it felt like I was arriving home, when I sat with my fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord, worshipping our God.

Afterwards, I did a couple of errands. Then, I headed to the cemetary. On the way, rain drops began falling. I thought they looked like tears on my windshield. Right away, I prayed that God would hold off the rain, so I would not get wet and would be able to sit at Gordon's grave, for a while. Which is exactly what I did. Yes, once again, God answered my prayer, with a positive answer.

My mind has been all mixed up, lately. I recognize what it is. Losing my brother, has once again set off grief. I cannot separate the grief for my brother from the grief for my husband. One minute, I still feel like I am in shock, the next, I feel disoriented, the next...depressed. Lord, please help me!

As I've said on other occasions, it seems like God is always willing to give me positive answers to prayer, for the little things in my life. Yet, the big things, the answer always seems to be, 'not yet' or 'no'.

The big things are what is killing part of me. Family, health, losing loved ones. There are times when I truly just wish God would take me home and not leave me here to suffer any more than I already have. But, no. He doesn't. He leaves me to suffer...over and over and over, again.

No, I'm not saying He doesn't love me, for I know He does. I know His ways are not our ways. This is very obvious, for if it were up to me, I wouldn't allow my children to hurt the way I am currently hurting. Yet, He allows this. I know He makes good come from terrible circumstances.

Still, this does not always help, when the pain one feels is deep. I've had enough. More than enough. I keep crying out to Him, letting Him know that I cannot take any more. The reply always seems to be that He stretches me, even more, with more painful issues to deal with.

Since I truly don't have much contact with family, my time is very lonely. In an effort to relax, I decided to watch The Bucket List. I heard it was a funny movie. Well, there were humerous parts to it, but all in all, it did nothing to lift my spirits. In fact, I was rather sorry I watched it.

Just before the movie ended, a storm came up out of nowhere. Seriously, it came through quickly and unexpectedly, at least to me! How did I know it was bad? Well, it isn't every day when you see a piece of metal fly past your balcony. Especially since I live on the 17th floor! And, my apartment building has no visible metal that I can think of.

My first thought was that God was going to take me home, today. Nope. No such luck. I'm still here, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this entry.

After watching Globe Trekker on PBS, I decided to watch another movie. Passchendaele. No, it wasn't a comedy to lift my spirits, but it was based on a true story, concerning WW1 and I figured since I was already feeling lousy, I may as well watch it. After all, I couldn't have felt much worse. :(

To my surprise, the movie did lift my spirits. Oddly enough, seeing the pain, sorrow and hardship in the movie, helped me to put my pain somewhat in perspective.

Life is hard. On their site today, News in Depth says that as of June 26, 2010, 150 Canadian lives have been lost in Afghanistan, since 2002. That's 150 lives lost in eight (8) years.

Please don't misunderstand me when I say this, because I realize that every life is important. Every person killed, is a husband/wife, mother/father, sister/brother, son/daughter, relative or friend.

The main character: Michael Dunne, was a real person, who died, due to the battle of Passchendaele. It struck my heart, immediately when I heard this. My Grannie from Ireland had a brother named Michael. Some of her family spelled the family name as Dunn, while some used the spelling Dunne. It made me wonder if he was somehow related. Truly, it doesn't really matter, but it gave me a closeness while watching the movie.

When our Afghanistan mission is compared to other wars and battles, there is no comparison. Take Passchendaele, for example. In one (1) week, 500 lives were lost. As per information quoted at the end of the movie, over the four (4) months of battle it took for the Canadian army to secure the area, there were 600,000 casualties. The worst? After holding the area for one (1) week, it was lost again, to the Germans.

This got me thinking about how war has changed. I may be repeating myself, but there history shows us there was a time when enemies war uniforms to distinguish themselves from foes. Not like today, when our enemies are hidden among us, virtually invisible. Living and acting like lying cowards.

Yes, I am referring to terrorism. It's happening throughout the world. People portraying themselves as peaceful, loving people, who are faithful to a god that isn't the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

Some people don't believe we can win this war. Truly, from a human perspective, I believe it would be rather difficult, for our enemies live among us and we truly cannot see who they are. However, God is in charge. His will is always done. It will be up to Him to determine who ends up winning, in the short haul.

We know ultimately, who will win in the long run. The Bible tells us. I believe not enough of us read His Word. Especially here in Canada, and probably the same in USA, as well.

In my opinion, people in N. America have been asleep at the wheel. Due to never really having had world wars battled on our soil, I believe we have generally become complacent, thinking war can never happen, here. Many believe it's not their problem, or don't believe there is a problem. But friend, take your head out of the sand. It's time to realize that we are at war, right home. Whether you realize it, or not.

Ephesians 6:12 reminds us, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Continuing further, verse 13 tells us, "Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand."

Sort of like what I have to do, while suffering this grief of loss. Stand. And, wait upon the Lord.

Until next time...

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Saturday, July 17, 2010

A Rose Bush?

Last night's sleep, was broken, to say the least. After reading my Bible for a while, I shut off my lamp close to 2:00 am. Then, somewhere between 3:00 am and 3:30 am (I didn't really look at the clock, until just after 3:30 am), I found I was once again awake. For whatever reason, I wasn't able to get back to sleep. Eventually, I got up and played on the computer and on Facebook (FB) for a while. Close to 7:00 am, I went back to bed, to try and catch a few zz's before having to be up, about 8:30 am. So, as you can see, I didn't really get a restful sleep, last night.

This morning, I had an appointment I didn't want to miss; I cannot tell you about it, at the moment, but it wasn't anything serious, not about my health and not for work. Actually, I can tell you that I met some friends I hadn't seen in a while. Yes, there was a purpose for the pre-arranged visit. One day, I'll write about it. Maybe...

On the way home, I stopped at Staples, for I needed ink for both my printers. If I haven't mentioned it before, I do use two (2) printers for work. Why? There's nothing worse than having one die, just as you're in the middle of writing an offer or preparing research for an appointment, or writing up a listing; so, I need a back up solution: a second (2nd) printer. Yes, it's happened to me! Close to $130.00 later, I walked out, with ink. Hmmm... this makes me wonder if I'm in the wrong business!

Today was another scorcher. However, after wearing myself out having done my pool exercise, yesterday and not having much sleep last night, I was exhausted. So, heat or no heat, I went into bed and napped for a short time; about 45 minutes. The funny thing was, I drifted right off and didn't want to get up when my alarm went off! Where's the fun in this?

I got up, realizing I truly lead a very boring life, for I had nothing on my agenda to fill my time. So, knowing my health is still improving, I got ready and went to the pool. The wind is so very strong at times, especially since our pool is parallel with the Detroit River. The breeze usually comes off Lake St. Clair, but today, it was rather weird, for the wind came from a different direction.

In any case, I thoroughly enjoyed exercising in the pool, again today. Being ill, I really, really missed it! One of my neighbours commented to me about how when I work out, I really do it right! I suppose one could say that. The fact is, I work hard when I work out. I know I need to keep my body strong enough to function, plus I enjoy feeling like I can actually accomplish something. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

Yesterday, I saw Despicable Me. Usually, I don't enjoy cartoon-type movies, but I found this one to be funny and heartwarming. So, if you get the chance, make sure you see it!

Later, I watched Letters to Juliet. My friend J recommended this movie. I thoroughly enjoyed this film. Amanda Seyfried starred in this movie, as she did in another movie I truly enjoy: Dear John. Both of these movies Amanda starred in, I would watch repeatedly. In fact, I have watched Dear John, several times.

Due to being movied-out, I just couldn't bring myself to watch another movie. I did see some travel programmes on PBS and played again on Facebook (FB). I even chatted with a friend for a while tonight, until I got booted off FB. When I tried to log in again, I received a message notifying me that I wouldn't be able to have access for a few hours, due to site maintenance. Whoo-eee! I've never before had this happen! Oh well, there will be other days and other opportunities for conversation with a real live human. I hope...

That's one thing I feel really sad about. Being lonely. It was one week ago, my brother Glenn was buried. It seems like an eternity, since I spoke with him. It will be a very long time before we speak again, unless the Lord takes me home to heaven.

This brings me to Gordon. I look at his photo. Sometimes, longingly; sometimes, angrily. Always missing him. Knowing it will be a very long time, before I will see him again, unless God takes me home to heaven.

I think the shock of losing Glenn is wearing off, now. Since I've already been grieving Gordon, I seem to be able to better recognize how I am feeling. I feel like my head is clearing. Of course, living such a distance apart, knowing that we didn't always see each other, helps. I am trying to think in these terms, in an effort to deal with this loss.

The trouble is, now I have to face my life alone, without two (2) people I love. Since Glenn lived at a distance, and since he was my brother and not my husband, I believe I miss him differently than I miss Gordon.

In addition to missing my husband, which in itself is difficult to deal with, I also feel like this loneliness I feel will be permanent. I cannot imagine ever having another relationship. I thought my relationship with Gordon was my second chance at life. It's turned out to be my second chance at loneliness.

When I reflect upon my life, I think differently, now. While Gordon was alive, I was grateful for my second chance at happiness, even though there were some extremely stressful times, when Gordon was deteriorating due to his inoperable brain tumour, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

But, now. Now that I am once again alone, I am angry with myself for a completely different reason. It's probably silly to most people, especially since I already dealt with the emotional issue of being divorced from my first (1st) husband. But, I find myself being angry with me for making a terrible mistake in marrying the man I did, in my first marriage, in the first place. My reasoning? I'm not sure if it is logical or not, but I'm feeling this way: If I hadn't made a mistake the first time, I wouldn't have been in this situation, now. No, I realize there are no guarantees that I would still be married to someone who would love me as much as I love him, but I do believe that my life would not have included a second marriage. No second marriage=no second time of loss and loneliness.

As everyone knows, no one can turn back the clock. Truly, turning back the clock, in my mind, would mean once again having to live through every horrible detail of my life, for my life experiences I don't believe would change by merely turning back the clock. I wouldn't want to re-live them, any more than I would wish my life on my worst enemy. Yes, I had good times, too. But, I have experienced a tremendous amount of tragedy. Probably more than the average person. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just wishing that my life had turned out differently.

Why? I truly don't know how I will cope with my life, as it is now. Right now, as always, I am trusting God to help me, daily. I just don't see my life ever getting any better. God's plan thus far, has never included long-lasting love or happiness. I know. He never promised us a rose garden. But, I've never asked for a whole garden, just a rose bush would be nice.

Until next time...

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Friday, July 16, 2010

Two, Not One!

Today, I awoke on my own once again. No alarm was set. Wow! I could get used to this. The problem is that as I feel improvement in my health, I know that I must at some point get back to working! It almost feels like a catch-22 situation. Sick=relaxation vs healthy=work. Hmmmm...if I was just a little older, I could say: perfection=retirement!

The days have certainly been hot, lately. It's late in the evening at the moment, but the temperature is still 81F. The forecast calls for 74F through the night. Yes! I am so-o very thankful that the nights have been tolerable, even comfortable, because I like to have my window open, rather than have the air-conditioning on. Thank You, Lord!

With the weather being really super-heated, I've been missing being in the pool. Even if it is only to exercise. I really don't relax much or often in the pool, for I use it mostly for exercise. When it's hot, like it's been lately, it is always a welcome relief. But, since I've been sick, I haven't gone to the pool.

Today, changed this! I went to the pool today, for the first time in a couple of weeks. It was wonderful, relaxing, comfortable and a true blessing to me, today. Thank You, Father, for healing me enough that I could once again be blessed by working out! Of course, now I am exhausted. Oh well, I should probably sleep well, tonight!

Since I'm feeling really improved, I'm going to go out to see some friends, tomorrow. Lately, I've been feeling rather cooped up, longing to get back into a more normal routine.

Another blessing is that I'm sure I'll be able to sing Tuesday, for M's wedding. She and P are getting married on that date, because it is the anniversary of the day they met. How romantic!

This morning, I had a phone call from the gentleman that is in charge of our 'bicycle room'; he called me to ask if I was going to give up one or both bicycle spaces in the storage room. After some discussion, I decided to not make any snap decisions, so both bikes will remain stored there, at least for the next few months.

You might wonder why this is important to me. Well, just before my brother died and just when I began to feel really ill, this same gentleman called me asking the same question. To say I was shocked, would be an understatement. You see, I knew that my bike was stored in the room and I knew we had a second space, but I had no idea Gordon had a bike stored there.

His older bike was stolen when he was out, one day. Many times, we discussed getting him another bike, but never did we do this. At least, not that I was aware of. Obviously, at some point, Gordon must have bought a bike and stored it in the room. The question I have is: Why didn't he tell me?

This question will now never be answered, since he's dead. But, I have an idea that since his health was deteriorating and since he wasn't all that comfortable driving anymore, he must have decided to do this. How? When? Is it new? Used?

I haven't even seen this bicycle, yet. Being ill, when I first found out, wasn't great. My head was spinning enough, without this shock! My first question to the gentleman caller, was: Are you sure it is ours? His reply was that there are two (2) bicycle chain-locks that are locking these two bicycles, together. It's obviously a bike Gordon bought.

Once I get up the courage to go see this bicycle, I will be faced with the dilemma of what to do with it. The same with my bike, as well. You see, I cannot ride my bicycle. With my health concerns, I am able to ride a stationary bike, but when my body has had enough, it's had enough and I cannot go further. My fear of riding on the street, is that my body will say it's had enough and I won't be able to get home!

This is why I am so-o very shocked about this news of having another bike. Gordon and I discussed the idea of buying electric bikes. The kind that look like a regular bike, but have electric assist. We thought this idea was a good one, because if we were riding and I couldn't go further, the electric assist would help me get home. However, no decisions had been made.

Well, I suppose time will tell. All I have to do, is as I said, get up the courage to go and see for myself.

Until next time...

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Thursday, July 15, 2010

Wearing Off?

This morning, I felt like I wanted to sleep in a little longer. After all, I was up rather early, considering I am still not feeling the best. While I'm not feeling as badly as I was, I am still finding that I am tired all the time.

Still, I was up and out early, today. It's Thursday, so I arrived at the Ladies' support meeting, just after 9:00 am. I promised myself and a friend that I would attend for a few weeks, to give it a real chance to see if these meetings will help me. I feel like I need to come to terms with not just losing Gordon, but also about everything I went through with him. This was my third (3rd) meeting (I missed last week's meeting, due to being sick). If I don't feel better soon about attending, I will stop going.

How these meetings could help anyone, is beyond me. Okay, some people may tell me that I need to keep going. However, my personal opinion is that if this programme worked well, there wouldn't be women attending that have been with the programme for 26+ years!

Due to a luncheon being held out in Kingsville area, the meeting ended early. I used the time to go shopping at Joseph's Fruit Market. Then, I dropped by to see my youngest daughter P, for a few minutes.

While at P's, my grandson A came running up to me. It's always great seeing A! He's my eldest daughter B's fourth (4th) son, who sometimes visits with someone on P's street. Today was one of those days. We hugged and kissed each other and chatted for a while. A assured me he passed with mainly B's and a few C's; he'll be going into grade 3, in September. So, I did what any good grandma would do: I gave him a monetary gift for passing! :-)) How time flies! It's hard to believe how much A has grown. Time waits for no one!

Arriving home, I was exhausted, but didn't have a nap. Today's heat was oppressive. My van registered 98F/37C. However, a Facebook friend who works for CKLW800AM Radio, said with the humidex, it was equivalent to 108F! Believe me, it felt like it, too!

My friend J, who was new to Windsor last September, called me. She invited me to join her for supper. We met at Lumberjack Restaurant at Tecumseh Rd. & Howard Ave. While I thought we were dining Dutch treat, J decided to pay the whole bill, herself. Thank you, J! I never expected you to do this, but it truly was a nice treat and a blessing to me, today. Next time, it will be my treat!

I'm not sure which was better...supper or our fellowship time! We caught up on recent events and just had a plain good old time, together. We had some excitement, too. Our table was beside the indoor BBQ grill pit. Yes, it is complete with exhaust system. However, at one point, the chef left his work area and disappeared out of our sight. Not a problem, really. Except when the flames grew larger and larger until the whole pit was aflame, appearing to be out of control!

Other nearby patrons began to call loudly for assistance; we joined in. Actually, poor J said the heat seemed to sharply rise and she was truly nervous the place was on fire. Poor J. This flaming exhibit really didn't bother me a bit. I stayed calm. But then, lately I really haven't gotten upset or excited about much. Most people found it was a relief when the chef returned and quickly extinguished the overactive flames!

Actually, I was in a burning building once, many years ago. It would have been about 1973 and I was working afternoon shift in a box factory, in Brampton. Surprised?! I was, for I really wasn't cut out for factory work. However, this is another story, for another day.

I will say that in the factory fire, I stayed calm, also. If I hadn't, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of the building. From the time the fire was noticed in the nearby paper baler, it only took minutes for flames and smoke to envelop the whole area.

Our supervisor commanded us to not leave the area, but to man the nearby hoses to try and put out the fire. What a joke! Once the water was turned on, the hoses leaked so much, there was hardly any water to put out the fire.

When the smoke got so thick we could no longer see, we avoided our orders and began to leave the building. Fire exits were locked. So, how did we get out? We had to climb up over eight (8) foot high skids of corregated board boxes, that were waiting to be shipped out. It took several days for my lungs to clear from coughing up soot.

So, this small flame fire that appeared out of control never fazed me. Of course, it might be because I've been just feeling overwhelmed again. I think the shock of losing my brother is beginning to wear off.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. For me and for you.

Until next time...

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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Nice Words, Good & Faithful Servant!

Last night, I slept well and woke up early this morning. No nap for me, today. Not that I wouldn't have liked one! No, I thought it just isn't a great idea to get into a habit of having a mid-day nap. What would I do, once I am back working most of the time? Whoa! Sorry client, I have to take a nap, now! lol

Today, I am feeling a bit improved, but still not over whatever this is I have been sick with. I thought about going to the pool, especially since it was quite warm today, but after talking with my neighbour/friend K, I decided against it. Truly, I wish I could shake this sore throat, sinus congestion, croopy yet dry cough and (thankfully now intermittant only) wheezing.

While I feel badly for my realtor partner/friend C, I don't feel too bad. He's been going away regularly on the weekends and will be going away once again, this weekend. I'm truly not worried, for the market slows down at this time of the summer, with people going on holidays, travelling on vacations, etc. Of course, now that I've said this, murphy's law will probably kick in and I'll be busier than I could dream of. sounds like a dream! :)

Most of my day was spent relaxing (trying to conserve my energy, so I can heal), visiting on Facebook and trying to sort through the thousand (1,000) e-mails I had sitting in the inbox of my personal e-mail. It seemed like a good thing to do, since I really couldn't do much for work. I think I've reduced the number to just over 800, now.

With all this time on my hands, my mind sometimes wanders. I thought about the reception after my brother Glenn's funeral. Previously, I mentioned that a few of Glenn's neighbour/friends commented about me talking with Glenn about Jesus and giving a gospel message at his buriel.

What I didn't really talk much about is the fact that none of my relatives talked to me in this manner. Not one. None of these relatives were on my Dad's side of the family, for those relatives don't live in Ontario and couldn't attend. These people were on my Mom's side of my family.

It was shocking to me that one cousin I hadn't seen in MANY years, walked up to my friend J, hugged her and whispered in her ear, asking if there had been much trouble, yet. This makes me chuckle every time I think of it! J and I have been asked if we are related, sisters or cousins, for we sort of have the similar look of relatives. I believe my cousin mistakenly thought J was me, at first. J wondered why he would do this; this is the only thing I can think of. Funny, really! :-))

Still, what was whispered, although it may seem strange or funny to some people, just goes to show the true state of affairs with my family.

Knowing that I hadn't seen many of these people in MANY years, I would have thought most of them would have approached me and at least said 'hello'. Some did not. If I hadn't made the rounds, saying 'hello' to people and thanking them for coming to Glenn's funeral, I don't think they would have spoken to me, at all. People are truly strange. At least my family is.

A few of my relatives commented that my 'words were nice', that I spoke at the graveside service. Since I heard the same phrase from several relatives, I'm sure they spoke together about my Eulogy, otherwise in my opinion, I wouldn't have heard what sounded like a broken record. Others never made a comment, at all.

One relative actually leaned close into my friend J and said to her, "That's Lynn. She'll never change." I wasn't looking for compliments, but it sounded more like a sarcastic remark, than anything. Oh well. It takes all kinds to make a world. She was right about one thing: I will not ever change. I love God; He loves me. Jesus is my Saviour.

So, why would I make sure to include a gospel message in my Eulogy, honouring Glenn? Firstly, it was because it was the truth of the situation with Glenn obtaining salvation.

As I've mentioned previously, I am so-o thankful I know where my brother is, today. Because he was trusting in Jesus, I have assurance that Glenn has a new body, is healthy, is dancing, skating, reading, eating in heaven with Gordon and other relatives and friends. In 2Corinthians chapter 5, we read that for a believer, to be absent from the body is to be with the Lord. Who could be sad about that?!

However, even if Glenn had not been trusting in Jesus for his salvation, I still would have found a way to give a gospel message. Why? Because nothing is more important than having salvation. Some people don't realize they even need salvation, for they don't believe they are a sinner, in need of a Saviour. Romans 3:23 tells us, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

I know that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God (read Romans 10:17). People need to hear that they need salvation. When a person hears God's word, the Holy Spirit can do His work, convicting and opening the way for the person hearing to come to Christ.

But, the biggest reason, is to be obedient to God. In Mark 16:15, Jesus tells us, "...Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature."

As I've said previously in other entries, I never want God to be ashamed of me; my days of living sinfully, are past. I long to hear God speak those glorious words to me, quoted in Matthew 25:23, "...well done, good and faithful servant;".

Until next time...

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