Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Weak...

This morning, I was up and out, early. After my grandsons were at school for the last day of the school year, my daughter P and I went for breakfast together and later, did some shopping.

During our conversation, P brought up a subject that I had been thinking about, but was trying to avoid. She asked me what I planned to do about Gordon's upcoming birthday. She thought I needed a plan, to deal with it. I do need a plan. I just don't know what to do.

Gordon's birthday is not until July 31st. Even so, it's been on my mind a lot, lately. Probably because I realize I do need a plan, so I can deal with that heartbreaking day. Even now, I just wish I could escape and forget the calendar, totally.

If anyone has ideas, I would be happy to hear about them. All e-mail will be gratefully received.

Later, I had some real estate work to do. I accomplished what I needed to do and was happy to have it completed.

Arriving at home, I realized I was in time to attend the pool meeting, scheduled for today. In the past, I didn't attend meetings such as this, for I spent much of my time working. In addition, since Gordon was retired and had very little on his daily agenda, he usually attended meetings on our behalf. So, this was a first, for me.

Actually, when I left the meeting, I began feeling rather low, again. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to stop thinking about Gordon and missing him. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, everything I do, seems to always lead back to thoughts of him.

It's so-o easy for people to say I should look upon Gordon lovingly, with great thoughts and memories. I do my best, but it seems my best just isn't good enough once more, for I just cannot stop feeling like my heart is broken apart.

Most of the time, I cope well. At least, I think I do. But, there are days when I find tears rolling down my cheeks, without me even thinking about anything in particular, but just missing my husband.

At suppertime, I went to the pool, to do my daily exercise. It is so much easier for me to work out in the pool than on land. In fact, I can do many exercises in the pool that I cannot do outside the pool.

It seemed today, that no matter how hard I tried, I just could not stop thinking of Gordon. Even in the pool. All I could see in my mind's eye, was Gordon relaxing in his 'corner' that he enjoyed so much.

While I was working out in the pool, tears flowed, again. Lord, I cannot cope with this. No matter how much I trust in You, it seems the pain overwhelms me.

After my 45+ minute workout, I felt more calm, but certainly not relaxed.

Living life is horrible, alone. At least for me. While I cannot feel sorry for Gordon, for he is with Jesus, I find myself feeling unable to cope with the loss, more often than not.

Okay. Okay. Call me weak. I don't care. It doesn't matter to me. Truly.


Until next time...

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