It's a shame, but I cannot even recall what time I went to sleep last night, but I know it was late. In the whole scheme of things, it doesn't matter. I know I was up every hour through the night, until I was up for good at 6:45 am.
I'm tired. Yes, I'm really tired. Tired physically. Tired emotionally. Tired spiritually. Tired of feeling sad, grief-stricken and generally fed up with my life. Lord, if there were ever a time I needed You, it's now.
One thing I realized today, is that I don't fit in. Anywhere, it seems.
This morning, I made my way to a centre, where a women's programme was scheduled. It's a kind of self-help group, led by a recovery centre. No, most women in attendance are not substance dependent. Nor am I. However, some of their husbands may be dependent or have problems coping with their lives.
Last year, it was recommended by a friend of Gordon's and mine, that Gordon enter the programme. It was felt that the programme may help him deal with the issues of his life, with his inoperable brain tumour and the resulting problems. Gordon agreed. However, in the end, he changed his mind and did not enter the programme, because they would not allow him to bring his Bible with him, upon entering the live-in portion of the programme.
Meanwhile, since being Gordon's spouse, it was recommended that I attend the women's programme, so I would be able to deal better with Gordon and his situation. Unlike Gordon, I did attend two (2) meetings, last September, I believe.
These meetings were meant to be support for me. I must admit that two (2) meetings doesn't really make a difference in anyone's life. Certainly not mine.
However, our friend has kept in touch with me and shows concern for me. It was recommended that I return to the women's group, for support through my grief. Today, I did exactly that. I went to a meeting, first thing this morning.
Some of the women in attendance remembered me. Certainly, I was made very welcome. For this I was grateful.
After the facilitator finished speaking, it was open time for anyone to share with the whole group. While I didn't speak about the topic, I did thank the group for accepting me back.
Rather than going into one group for sharing time, a woman who is a neighbour of mine requested we have one-on-one time, so we did. She never knew the details of the situation with Gordon, or about his health problem, or about how he ultimately died. I spoke with her of this. Then, she shared with me about herself, reassuring me that all I need to do is keep coming to the group.
Then, there was another small group sharing time. This time, we had to share not about ourselves, but about the topic discussed by the facilitator. I felt rather uncomfortable, because although this programme is being run by a religious group, not one person mentioned Jesus, except me. Two (2) of the women mentioned God, but never related anything they spoke of to Him or Jesus.
When I spoke about how the topic related to my relationship with Jesus, at least one woman got antsy and even left the room for a couple of minutes.
The message I received over and over was this: just keep coming back. Several women commented to me that they had been with this group 20+ years. This did not make me feel good at all. I am looking for help to deal with my grief and stress, not become a family member of this group. I also do not wish to make this group/programme a god, to me.
I am trying to keep an open mind about this group and will attend a few more meetings, before making a decision on staying or not. Truly, I didn't feel like I fit in.
Later, I did my real estate work and managed to find time to go to the pool to do my 30+ minutes of exercise, before heading to Bible study and prayer at my church for 7:00 pm.
I am appalled, angry, embarassed and fed up with myself over even going to my church group. Why? Well, this is the third week of the new programme and the second time I found myself dozing off during the Bible study.
I was so upset with myself, that I didn't even pray, at the end of our meeting.
Now, some people might say this is happening to me, because I am so over tired. But, I would beg to differ. Being over tired is nothing new for me. I've been like this since Gordon died, eight (8)+ months ago.
I wasn't like this during our previous Bible study programme. But, then again, the old programme was stimulating and interesting, while I find this one...truthfully...boring. Still, I can't seem to stay awake and I know it is rude.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am not trying to insult my pastor. I would not hurt him for the world! He's a great pastor.
I just find that rehashing what was taught/spoken of during the Sunday morning service, again on Thursday evening, does nothing for me.
On my way home this evening, I prayed about it and came to the conclusion that I am either going to have to not attend Sunday morning worship service, or not attend Thursday evening Bible study and prayer meeting.
This makes me feel sad thinking of doing this. Especially since people used to come for prayer time and if they couldn't stay for Bible study, they just left. Now, we cannot do this, for prayer is not ahead of Bible study, but rather, it is tacked on at the end of Bible study, with no preset time.
Of course, this doesn't mean that I would abandon my church and church family, for instead of worshipping in the morning, I would attend the evening service, instead. I'm hoping this will help. This way, on Thursday evening, the information discussed will be fresh to me. Hopefully, this is the answer.
Meanwhile, I feel awful about even thinking of what has been happening with me. I truly apologize, to whoever feels hurt by my actions.
The worst part for me, is that I no longer feel like I fit in, with my Bible study/prayer group, for it seems I am the only person who has a problem with it.
Not fitting in, has been a lifetime problem for me. I never seem to fit in, anywhere. Not with family, church, or even this group I attended this morning. Nothing new for me, the misfit!
Hopefully, God will help me resolve this problem, before I get in my vehicle and disappear off the radar screen!
Until next time...
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