Hopefully, your Father's Day was a good day. For me, it wasn't. That is no surprise, though.
As I mentioned on Mother's Day, Gordon and I always celebrated these type family holidays, together. Being a second marriage, filled with family problems, it isn't really surprising. So, while most people were missing fathers, I was missing my husband, Gordon.
Does this mean I didn't miss my own Dad? Of course I missed him. I do, every year. I miss him, every time I think of him. In fact, I've missed him most of my life.
As I've mentioned in the past, I did not have a good relationship with my Dad. While you may think I didn't love him, you would be wrong, for I did and still do. Growing up, I wanted nothing more than a loving family, where my Dad loved me. He didn't. He couldn't.
As a child, it hurt me. As an adolescent, I felt worthless. As an adult, who came to understand the problem, I realized that it never had anything to do with me. It was simply a case that my Dad didn't accept tragic circumstances of his life. At least, until I was an adult and married, when he began changing.
Please don't be mistaken. I am not trying to put my Dad down. I'm merely stating facts.
The truth is, I loved my Dad, very much. The reality is, he never accepted me, until the last two (2) weeks of his life. The night before he died, he told me he loved me. Then, he called me by the wrong name, as if I was someone else. Oh well. While I may not have been happy about my past family life, I know I did everything I could to let him know I loved him and was sorry for my part in the problem relationship, and forgave him for his part of the problem. Actually, I still feel sorry for him, for he missed out on having a great relationship with a loving daughter.
I've been thinking. One of the reasons I believe I'm having trouble dealing with Gordon's death, has to do with love. Or, the lack of it.
As I mentioned, I've experience more than my share of problems in my life. There truly hasn't been much love for me. Not from my parents. Not from family. So, with Gordon being my whole life, it explains to me part of the reason I'm having a hard time, dealing with Gordon's death. For, I am truly alone. Now, there's no love for Lynnie.
Yes, I have friends. I have great friends; people who show me love, care and concern. And, I'm grateful for them. Thank You, Lord. But, underneath it all, my heart still yearns for a loving family. People for me to love and to be loved by.
While I am happy for my friends, I watch them with their families and long to be like them.
This isn't something new. Even in my first marriage, I was so-o happy to have been married into a close-knit family, for I felt like I was finally going to have the family of my dreams. Not only was I not accepted by them, the marriage didn't work out, so there was no love, there.
As a believer in Christ, trusting God for my life and my eternity, I ask myself if it matters. Not really. When I am feeling down, I remind myself of God's promises. Yes, I feel down, sometimes. I'm only human. Just because I am Christian doesn't mean that I don't have feelings. The difference is that if I were not trusting in Jesus for my eternal salvation, I probably would not have had the courage to carry on with my life after suffering a lifetime of extreme problems, but since I do have the Lord in my life, I know that when I am feeling down, it is then when He carries me. Besides, God's Word tells us that sometimes believers suffer more problems in life.
God's Word says that rain will fall on the just and on the unjust, meaning that everyone will have problems in their lives. God promised in Revelation 21:4, "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."
Tell me, who could be sad about that? What a promise! Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!
My neighbour/friend K understands how I feel, even if some of you can't. I never spoke with her about this, but she is aware that I really don't have close family connections. Since I was feeling rather down on Sunday, I didn't make dinner; I couldn't be bothered. I didn't let it be widely known I was feeling down, either; I tried to smile and carry on with life.
K knew ahead of time that I would probably feel this way, especially since she too is a widow, who also felt that when she lost her husband, she lost her soulmate.
In fact, when she brought me dinner, she told me she knew I would feel like this, for she did and still does, but the difference was that she has support from her family, who call to let her know they love her and care for her, on special days like Father's Day. Her thoughts, not mine. Dinner was absolutely delicious, K. Thank you, so very much, for your friendship, care, concern and Christian love. May God bless you.
I am thankful that God is healing my family relationships. I am thankful for good friends. While I may have sad times, dealing with grief and other things, I'm blessed...and I know it.
Until next time...
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