Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Brokenness and Weakness...

It was about 2:00 am, when I finally went to sleep, last night. I slept like a log, until the alarm went off at 7:45 am. I actually did not want to get up, but knew I didn't really have a choice.

After doing what I needed to do for the day, I met my daughter P. We shared a meal, together and enjoyed our time together. Especially, the shopping we did. While I don't really know anyone who enjoys grocery shopping, it becomes easier for me and I believe for P also, when we do it, together!

It's such a chore, isn't it?! Once you've gone to the trouble of doing the actual shopping, then we have to get it home, lug it into our homes and take time to put everything away, before we can actually breathe a sigh of relief! If you're like me, by then you're pooped out! :-))

After a few minutes of recuperation time, I changed into my swimsuit, took my towel and proceeded to make my way to the pool. Yup. I did my 30+ minute pool exercise!

Boy, am I worn out, again! Still, I know I must push myself to do it. I keep hoping all this exercise will get easier, but somehow I just know that it won't. Nevertheless, I will persevere. It seems thats what I do best. Just persevere.

Actually, God tells us to persevere. There are many passages that speak of this. I am doing my best to persevere through this trial of grief, over losing part of me, my husband.

Many have probably heard this Bible verse, that is so comforting: "...Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

For whatever reason, I am still in the weeping phase of my grief.

Most days, I wear a smile and face the world. Today, was not one of those days. Oh, I made it through the day, but after being in the quiet of my home, I just felt awful. And still do.

Some may remember, but I suppose most do not. In a short while, at 12:30 am, it will be exactly eight (8) months, since Gordon died.

Eight months ago, at this very time, I was spending every second I could with my unconscious husband, who in the end, never did regain consciousness, not even to say 'goodbye'. Not knowing for sure what time the hospital authorities would 'pull his plug', I tried to hold onto him, for every second I could.

My pain has not subsided. Some days, I feel like it will kill me. It obviously hasn't, or I wouldn't be here to write this entry. Still, it doesn't mean that I am not dying inside, for I feel I am.

I have many well-meaning friends, both saved and unsaved, who tell things like: I must go on. Pick yourself up and carry on. Change your life. Only you can make yourself feel better. If you're unhappy about things, then make changes. And on...and goes.

To those who care enough to think this is uplifting, I must say, it is not. My head knows all these things. I know life goes on. No one needs to remind me of this. After all, I suffer every day.

My heart is a different story, though. Feeling like part of me has been ripped out, torn apart, I suffer deeply, feeling like this pain will never end.

I know it will. God made promises to me, like the one in Psalm 30 I quoted earlier. I just don't know when God will provide that measure of healing for me, so that I can once again feel like I will survive this horrendous trial.

Truly, I wouldn't wish this trial on my worst enemy. If you know me really well, you know some or maybe even all the trials I've had in my life. And, yes...there have been many. With each one, God has given me the grace I needed to stand in the midst of the trial. He is doing this for me once again, but I feel like I am struggling with this one, to the point where I am really weak.

Of course, God wants us to have a broken and contrite heart. Psalm 51:17 says, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken spirit and a contrite heart--These, O God, You will not despise."

Brokenness is the key. I know that God loves me. I know He has only my best interests at heart. I know that He helps me through each day, for without Him, I could not survive.

I believe God, when He told me that when I am weak, He makes me strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10, "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong."

So, my friends, if you believe in prayer, please pray for me. For healing. For strength. Thank you. May God bless you, richly.

Until next time...