Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Throughout the morning, I did the work I needed to do, updated on Facebook (FB) periodically and made calls.
A FB friend commented about filling up the gas tank today, before the HST begins, tomorrow. It was nice to see a reminder, so I decided to do the same thing and share the suggestion on my wall.
Yesterday, I debated getting gasoline. At first, I thought I would wait until today, but in the end, I decided I would gas up, yesterday. I paid $0.91 (cents)/litre. I'm glad I decided to do it then, for today, it was up to $0.97 (cents)/litre! Tomorrow, with HST added into the price...who knows?! I promise you, the price of gasoline (petrol, for my Irish/UK friends and family!) won't be less.
The weather was really nice, today. Not too hot, not too cool, breezy but not humid. Perfect weather for exercising in the pool! Well, to be honest, the pool is wonderfully warm to enter most days. Even on those days when it is not the warmest outdoors, it's comfy getting into the pool. Once I begin exercising, I am as warm as toast, anyway!
Getting out is sometimes the problem. For, even if it is warm outside. the cool breeze that comes off the river/lake sometimes makes me feel freezing cold, when I exit the pool. I'm not alone! Others feel like this, too. Still, it certainly is refreshing, no matter the temperature!
Tonight, a friend on Facebook (FB) chatted with me. It did my heart good, to chat with this person. Usually, when we chat, it's about current stuff in our lives. Tonight was different. Tonight, we chatted about my grief and depression. And, about Jesus.
Thank you, for chatting with me. Our discussion lifted my spirits. Encouraged me. God gave me peace, afterwards; the kind of peace that can only come from Him. I'm blessed and I know it.
During our chat, we discussed the difference between joy and happiness. In the past, I've discussed the difference, in at least one entry of Life with Lynnie, maybe more. Joy comes from God. We have joy in our whole being, for it comes from within, from the love in our heart. Happiness, is not like this. It's superficial. Manmade, not God made.
As we discussed, God never promised us happiness. It's a lie to think God did promise us good lives. We agreed on this, for God's Word tells us that we will have trials. All of us. God said in His Word, that the rain will fall on the just and on the unjust. Meaning, the rain will fall on everyone; the saved and the unsaved. We will all have problems.
God made many promises to us. One of them is found in Isaiah 43:2, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you."
Every day of my life, I cling to God's promises. Jesus is not just my Saviour, He is my friend who is with me, always. Even though I feel horrible at times, grieving and feeling low, I still feel joy in my heart, for I have Jesus in my heart.
Hopefully, if you don't have Jesus in your heart, you will find out more about Him. Faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. Read about Him. Learn how He loves you. You'll be glad you did.
Until next time...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
During our conversation, P brought up a subject that I had been thinking about, but was trying to avoid. She asked me what I planned to do about Gordon's upcoming birthday. She thought I needed a plan, to deal with it. I do need a plan. I just don't know what to do.
Gordon's birthday is not until July 31st. Even so, it's been on my mind a lot, lately. Probably because I realize I do need a plan, so I can deal with that heartbreaking day. Even now, I just wish I could escape and forget the calendar, totally.
If anyone has ideas, I would be happy to hear about them. All e-mail will be gratefully received.
Later, I had some real estate work to do. I accomplished what I needed to do and was happy to have it completed.
Arriving at home, I realized I was in time to attend the pool meeting, scheduled for today. In the past, I didn't attend meetings such as this, for I spent much of my time working. In addition, since Gordon was retired and had very little on his daily agenda, he usually attended meetings on our behalf. So, this was a first, for me.
Actually, when I left the meeting, I began feeling rather low, again. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to stop thinking about Gordon and missing him. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, everything I do, seems to always lead back to thoughts of him.
It's so-o easy for people to say I should look upon Gordon lovingly, with great thoughts and memories. I do my best, but it seems my best just isn't good enough once more, for I just cannot stop feeling like my heart is broken apart.
Most of the time, I cope well. At least, I think I do. But, there are days when I find tears rolling down my cheeks, without me even thinking about anything in particular, but just missing my husband.
At suppertime, I went to the pool, to do my daily exercise. It is so much easier for me to work out in the pool than on land. In fact, I can do many exercises in the pool that I cannot do outside the pool.
It seemed today, that no matter how hard I tried, I just could not stop thinking of Gordon. Even in the pool. All I could see in my mind's eye, was Gordon relaxing in his 'corner' that he enjoyed so much.
While I was working out in the pool, tears flowed, again. Lord, I cannot cope with this. No matter how much I trust in You, it seems the pain overwhelms me.
After my 45+ minute workout, I felt more calm, but certainly not relaxed.
Living life is horrible, alone. At least for me. While I cannot feel sorry for Gordon, for he is with Jesus, I find myself feeling unable to cope with the loss, more often than not.
Okay. Okay. Call me weak. I don't care. It doesn't matter to me. Truly.
Until next time...
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Monday, June 28, 2010
Since I didn't have to go out of my home today to work, getting my work done from home, was easy. How grateful I am for my computer, fax, copier, etc. What a great era this is to work! Twenty-two+ (22+) years ago, this really wasn't possible, for we did not even have on-line access to MLS info. We had to travel to and work in the office, daily. All my work was done, manually. Father, thank you for making my job easier!
About 3:30 pm, my friend J arrived. She, my neighbour/friend K and I drove to my church, where we met my co-worker/friend C. Together, we crossed the Ambassador Bridge and entered Detroit, MI, USA. Our destination? Mexican Town Restaurant!
The four (4) of us enjoyed our time together, laughing, joking and of course dining on sumptuous meals. Since I am the only person out of the four (4) of us that likes hot foods, I especially enjoyed the jalapeno peppers that garnished my meal! It was the first time J had been to Mexican Town, in many years. Hopefully, it won't take her as long to return!
On our return trip to Windsor, we talked about going to C's home for dessert. We did not do this. K is looking for a new vehicle and had spoken with a dealership, today. Since C and K are not really a couple, but sort of like each other, C drove K to the dealership to check out the car. I drove home with J, who immediately left for home.
For a while, I watched television, while updating on Facebook (FB). Aren't laptops wonderful? I really enjoy mine, for I am able to multi-task while relaxing or working!
At 9:00 pm, I watched Midsomer Murders (M M) on PBS Ontario. Well, in all honesty, I dozed through part of the programme and missed the ending. I hate that! Oh well, what can you do?!
However, while watching M M my phone rang. It was J. She was watching Bachelorette. Apparently, the group was in Istanbul. On a date, the couple bought a rug. J said she just had to call and tell me about it, because it reminded her of the rug I have. While it doesn't look like my rug, she had to laugh about the story of my rug.
Gordon and I had taken a sixteen (16) night transatlantic cruise and were at port in Tangier, Morocco. After sightseeing, we shopped in a government run store. Immediately, the salesperson wanted to sell us a rug. I had absolutely no interest in buying a rug. Gordon wanted to look.
So, up to the third (3rd) floor we went. We saw some gorgeous rugs. The salesperson kept enticing us. Gordon was falling under the spell. I wasn't. And, I kept telling the salesperson I really did not want to purchase a rug.
Then, the worst thing happened. Gordon fell in love with a rug. Being a salesperson myself, I cringed when he looked at me, longingly wanting this rug. In fact, he spoke to me, "Lynn...it's so-o beautiful! Can't we..."
Cringing even more, not because I didn't like the rug, for I truly liked it, but because Gordon had revealed his total and complete desire to obtain the rug, I prayed the Lord to help me. In my heart of hearts, I knew we would buy this rug. Gordon wanted it, and I knew it. More importantly, so did the salesperson. I kept trying to give Gordon signals that it's not wise to reveal his desire to the salesperson, but he didn't take the hint. The rug was priced over $3,000 Canadian.
I took a deep breath. Yes, I loved this silk rug, probably as much as Gordon did. But, did I want to spend that kind of money on a rug? NO!! So, I did what any other good wife would do. I insisted we did not need a rug.
Leaving the floor and walking down the marble staircase, the salesperson kept dropping the price. By the time we reached the second floor, the price was about C$2,000. Nope, I insisted. It wasn't easy listening to Gordon pleading with me. When I think of this, we must truly have been a sight. Never, had I played a role like this, before. Nor, since.
By the time we reached the main floor, the price was just over C$1,000. The salesperson kept grabbing my arm, pleading with me to negotiate; I didn't. Do you think the salesperson knew I was the person to negotiate with, and not Gordon? lol!!!
The rug was rolled out in front of us once again, on the main floor. Gordon took me aside and insisted we should buy this rug, claiming that we won't get a second chance. I knew this and told him so. I also let him know that I had to play 'bad cop' to get the price down.
Insisting I wouldn't agree to purchase, we made our way through the store. The price kept coming down. As we approached the door, I prayed for the Lord to help me. Gordon stepped outside and looked like a sad puppy. I knew if I walked out the door, the game was over, for if we re-entered the store, the then lower price of C$700 would not fly.
Just as I prayed, the salesperson grabbed my arm and drew me back deeper into the store; Gordon followed, smiling. Silently, I thanked God! The negotiations continued. Eventually, we did purchase the rug, plus Moroccan leather wallets, belts, etc. for the total price of C$530. Gordon was so elated. I truly never saw him as excited as then.
The salesperson didn't complete the transaction, for he was angry, claiming they weren't making any money on the sale; the manager had insisted he close the deal, reminding him that at the change of season, there are very few customers and they had Government quotas to meet. He and another salesperson wrote up the paperwork. It was then that I realized we were the only customers in the store.
The manager told Gordon he had a good wife, who took good care of his money. Then, he turned to me and asked how I learned to negotiate like this. Before I could reply, Gordon told him I sell real estate. The manager looked at me and told me he would never want to be across the table from me, doing a deal. We laughed!
Arriving back at the ship, people were telling us of the lovely rugs they purchased. Prices of C$2,000, 3,000, 4,000 and more were spoken of. Gordon and I agreed we wouldn't speak a word of our price, for we didn't want others to be hurt. We just enjoyed our treasure, there and at home.
I've included a photo of the rug. As you can see, I am not a great photographer. Although I must admit, that if I had realized I would write today about this rug, I would have taken a photo during the day, when the lighting was better. So, please accept my apology for my unprofessional image.
The amazing thing to me is that every time I look at this rug, I think of Gordon and how much he loved it. And, what we went through to get it. It breaks my heart, for I have the rug he loved, but I no longer have Gordon.
Until next time...
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Sunday, June 27, 2010
Knowing that I was going to be worshipping at a sister church, rather than my own, where the service begins earlier, and knowing that I would be staying for a BBQ afterwards, I thought I should go to the cemetary before going to worship service. So, I did.
This meant leaving home much earlier than normal. I managed and got to the cemetary to sit by Gordon's grave for a short time. On my way out of the cemetary, I noticed my friend J who works for the cemetary, was at the office. We had a short chat, before I headed off to worship service.
I found the location of the new church building, without any trouble. Upon entering, I immediately found my friend L, who had me commit to attending, today.
It was actually shocking how many people I reacquainted with, today. Most previously worshipped at my church, including the pastor of the church I visited at, today. When he left to do church planting, many of our church family left with him. So, it truly was almost like a family reunion!
A friend of mine K, who also attends the Christian Singles' Cafe, sat with me. She has been worshipping with this group for a couple of years. Afterwards, I spoke with several friends.
Then, as I was heading out, for I had decided to leave and not attend the BBQ, I ran into K, a friend I hadn't seen in over a year, which is about how long she has been worshipping with this group. She encouraged me to not leave, but stay for the BBQ. It was rather humerous that I was introducing her to her church family!
God revealed something to me, today. I've mentioned in the past, that someone has been cutting the front lawn at my house and I haven't known who was doing it. When I previously enquired at my church, because we have a committee and group of participants who does kindnesses such as this, I was told they didn't know who was doing this for me and if they did, they wouldn't tell me, anyway. I was told to be thankful.
I am thankful. In fact, I pray regularly that God will bless the person(s) who have been doing this for me.
Today, I met the two men who have been doing this for me. One, I've known for many years. In fact, he and Gordon had a falling out over a disagreement concerning that very house; the other, is an assistant to the first man, who has worked for him for at least a year.
I'm thankful that I found out, today. I couldn't thank these generous men, enough. I know I am blessed and pray God will bless them, also.
It was so-o hot and humid, so after the BBQ, I went home, showered and left to go worship with Pastor B, who is pastoring the small group on Windsor's west side. I've mentioned this group, previously. The neighbourhood is one of lower income families. I don't attend to worship, regularly, but every month or so, I try to be supportive. Today, was that day.
As murphy's law would have it, as if I wasn't busy enough today, I also had to attend a showing of a condo apartment I have listed, for I had to provide key access in order for the Realtor to show the property. So, after worshipping with Pastor B's group, I met my co-worker/friend C at Tim Horton's for coffee, before attending the showing appointment.
This showing appointment was going to make me late, but I was determined to attend my own church, for worship and prayed the other Realtor and client would arrive earlier than planned. They did! Actually, I found I was only a few minutes late, so it worked out well.
A missionary we support, spoke tonight. He and his family are serving God in Japan. It was truly interesting and I was glad I was able to attend.
So, as you can probably understand, today was not really a rest day. I truly feel churched out! But wouldn't have changed any of my day, for anything! Thank You, Lord! Your timing is always perfect. You made a way where there wasn't one, for me to fit all this into my schedule.
At the moment, I'm listening to CBC news. The main story is about the happenings this weekend concerning the G20 summit, in Toronto.
It's really disgusting to me that people will use any excuse to cause havoc and participate in a wave of distruction. But, when I think about it, I suppose it is just proof that the Bible is correct when it teaches us that people are truly not good. Pity those who believe people are basically, good. They need to read God's word.
On Facebook (FB) early this morning, I posted a comment, saying that I realize that considering what has been happening in Toronto, not all the COWARDLY, CRAZY PEOPLE, who would rather wear masks than stand up with integrity for what they believe, live elsewhere in the world. It is now confirmed that they live among us, right here in Canada. May each one come to know Jesus as Lord and Saviour. Hurting others is never the answer. Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do...
This is just one more happening that proves that everyone needs Jesus. Need I say more???
Until next time...
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Saturday, June 26, 2010
Upon waking up, I had a song in my head that I could not shake. Say You, Say Me by Lionel Richie. The lyrics are as follows:
Say You, Say Me - Lional Richie
Say you, say me; say it for always
That's the way it should be
Say you, say me; say it together
I had a dream, I had an awesome dream
People in the park, playing games in the dark
And what they played was a masquerade
From behind of walls of doubt a voice was crying out
Say you, say me... (Chorus)
As we go down, life's lonesome highway
Seems the hardest thing to do, is to find a friend or two
That helping hand - Someone who understands
When you feel you've lost your way
You've got someone there to say "I'll show you"
(change in music)
So you think you know the answers - Oh no
Well the whole world has got you dancing
That's right - I'm telling you
It's time to start believing - Oh yes
Believing who you are: You are a shining star
Say it together... naturally.
To most people, waking up with a song in their head and in their heart, doesn't mean much, but to me, it is important. Often God speaks to me through music. I believe today was no exception.
If you read my blog entry from last Tuesday night, you know that I went to the Tecumseh Roadhouse after my legal meeting. Not to sing karaoke, but to have dinner. I didn't want those who saw me there practicing the previous few weeks to think I was angry or upset about not making into the Bluesfest Idol 2010 semi-final contest, so I decided to do this.
As I mentioned in my previous entry, while I was there, two (2) young women met with the lady in charge; they gave her their music for the semi-final contest. One woman was a professional singer with a band. The other was a woman I heard sing several times, at practices.
What I haven't mentioned is that I was appalled, seeing the non-professional woman, knowing that she had been selected to move forward into the semi-finals. Why? Well, I may not be a professional, but I love to sing and when I sing, I enjoy singing acapella (no music). In order to do this, one must have an ear for music. When I heard this woman sing previously at the location she was from (not Tecumseh Roadhouse), I thought she really wasn't competition, for she couldn't sing. Yet, there she was...in front of me, handing in her music list for the semi-finals.
What ran through my mind was: What did I do wrong? Did I have a bad night, when I performed? What happened? How could this be? Was I not selected, because I sang about Jesus in one of my songs? A myriad of thoughts ran through my mind. But, the ultimate thought was, "How could she have made it, and not me?"
I tried to not think about this. After all, I accepted the fact that it wasn't God's will for me to participate any further in the contest. Still, this bothered me ever since.
Waking up today, I felt like God was speaking to me, telling me that I am still important to Him, that I need to start believing in myself, for I have been feeling rather low, as you know. The clincher was the end of the song, where the lyrics say, "...You are a shining star".
Those lyrics might not mean much to anyone but me, because Gordon used to call me his shining star.
What I haven't told you is that yesterday I received a message from another participant in the contest. This person wanted me to know what happened at the semi-final contest, because I hadn't been in attendance.
In the message I received, the writer's exact words (I cut and pasted) are:
It was a big joke Lynn
There were only 4 people from Tec roadhouse and about 12 from Lucky's and out of the 12 from luckys you had 10 of them beat,hands down.
It nearly blew me away reading this, yesterday. It was so shocking, but in my heart of hearts, I had been wondering what happened, as I mentioned above.
The writer went on to say that they thought the problem arose, because the same judges who judged us, didn't judge the other people, who were performing at other locations. Apparently, each location had different judges. With the ultimate problem being that some judges are more forgiving than others, or have different ideas on what is talent.
The bottom line from the writer was that in their opinion, I was eliminated in error. And, I was left with the suggestion to try again, next year.
Nice thought. At this point in time, I'm not interested. I'm happy singing for God, when I am asked. Yes, I would have liked to have been able to sing my rewritten version of Sarah McLachlin's Angel that honours Jesus and not angels, on stage at Bluesfest. But, the end result is still the same: I know in my heart of hearts, it was not God's will for this to happen. Otherwise it would have happened.
Still, I am thankful this friend spoke up and encouraged me. Not just encouraged me, but reassured me that it wasn't a case where I had an 'off' performance, didn't have talent, or whatever, but rather was a glitch in the judging/organizing of the event.
And, I am thankful that God spoke to me, this morning. That matters most to me. That God loves me. He loves you, too. Trust in Jesus, and you'll find out, just how much!
Until next time...
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Friday, June 25, 2010
Recently, P had been on a school field trip with one son, to Niagara Falls, but today's excursion was to Hillman Marsh Conservation Area, here in Essex County. P reminded me that on Monday, she has one final school field trip, before the children finish school on Tuesday.
Wow! I have to give her credit. She's one busy partially-disabled Mom, who has her hands full with special needs children. May God bless her, now and always.
By phone, I talked with my friend A, who is such a support to me. I feel so very blessed having her as my friend, I can't even tell you. We spoke of my disaster at Bible study and prayer last night and my decision to only attend Sunday evening service, at church.
A asked me if I was feeling angry and unsettled a lot, lately. I told her I was. While I know the stages of grief, it didn't occur to me until she mentioned it, that I have probably been moving through the anger stage. Of course! Why didn't I think of this?
The stages are not clear, nor does a person usually move completely to another stage, but rather people usually shift back and forth, until acceptance is finally reached.
The anger one feels can be directed against the person who died, but not always. Sometimes, while a person may feel angry with the lost loved one, that frustration and anger spills out into other areas of their life. I'm thinking that my friend A may be right, for I've been feeling rather angry about Gordon dying, leaving me with a huge load of stress and problems to resolve.
Like the other day. I received a notice in the mail from Revenue Canada Taxation - Income Tax Division. The notice informed me that they would not issue a clearance certificate, because they wanted more information. I thought I sent everything, when I filed Gordon's last/final income tax return, but apparently, they want more. So, they returned everything I sent them and requested I gather the rest of the information and resubmit to them...within 30 days.
Talk about feeling stressed! This was just confirmation to me that a person can't even die, without there being a whole lot of stress for loved ones left behind! In this case, me.
I hate contact with the government at the best of times. Also, as I've mentioned on occasion, I still suffer from post-traumatic stress. Even though I am not as bad as I used to be, when I get stressed, it seems to set off everything.
I think this is why I've been wishing I could go out for bread and never return. Realistically, I may feel that way, but the reality is one can never get away from themself! So, I don't go. I just wish I could!
As you can imagine, beginning the day wasn't easy for me, today. Especially after being so upset, especially with myself, yesterday. Still, I had stuff to do, so I went about my work in between visits to Facebook (FB).
I feel blessed having FB. Not only have I been able to connect with friends from my past, but I keep in touch with present friends and acquaintances. Not to mention, how many friends I have made by connecting with other friends, through pages and sites I have become familiar with, especially with Christians and Christian material.
Of course the support from these people is tremendous. I truly feel blessed, knowing that when I am feeling down, especially while going through the grieving process, there is always someone who is supportive, or a Christian page I can go to that lifts me up. Thank You, Lord. I'm blessed.
After making the decision last evening about not attending the morning Sunday service at my church, I recalled being invited to another friend's church (actually, by more than one person), for their service and a special celebration BBQ, in honour of the group opening their church building. At first, I didn't know how to respond, but after last night's decision, I decided to accept the invitation.
The church group began as a break-off from my church, so I know that I will know many people there; it will be a good time to reacquaint myself with some long-lost church friends. All in all, I was glad that my friend L, talked me into going.
This afternoon, I tackled a big job. Physically, it's hard on me, but I just couldn't look at my balcony any longer, without feeling guilty, for it truly needed a thorough cleaning. Today, was the day. It was time-consuming and very physical for partially-disabled me, but someone had to do it. Gordon's not here to do those heavy type things for me any more, so I had to do it. Thank you Lord, for giving me the strength and ability to get this task done.
Later, I went to the pool. One of these days, I'll have to remember to take a photo of our pool area. It's lovely, relaxing and of course, a great place to soak a weary body, like mine was, today. This didn't stop me from doing my usual water exercises, so by the time I left the pool area, I was more than tuckered. I was weary.
Relaxing for a while, I connected with my friend J. We hadn't spoken for about a week, because she had company from Toronto visiting with her; her visitor left, yesterday. It felt like a lifetime since we had spoken, but quickly got caught up.
Then, J offered to come visit and brought with her our dinner. Salad, pizza and even cappucino frozen yogurt, for dessert. Who could ask for more?! Thank you, so very much, for the delicious meal that I was shocked to receive! May God bless you, my friend.
But wait, that wasn't the best part. J insisted we play a game of Phase 10. Last time we played this game, she won. Today, she declared that it was my turn to win. Of course, winning isn't always an option, but tonight, I won! Thank you for making my day, J!
All in all, I must admit, today was a good day! Good friends, good fellowship, good food. And, in honour of all the goodness, goodnight!
Until next time...
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Thursday, June 24, 2010
I'm tired. Yes, I'm really tired. Tired physically. Tired emotionally. Tired spiritually. Tired of feeling sad, grief-stricken and generally fed up with my life. Lord, if there were ever a time I needed You, it's now.
One thing I realized today, is that I don't fit in. Anywhere, it seems.
This morning, I made my way to a centre, where a women's programme was scheduled. It's a kind of self-help group, led by a recovery centre. No, most women in attendance are not substance dependent. Nor am I. However, some of their husbands may be dependent or have problems coping with their lives.
Last year, it was recommended by a friend of Gordon's and mine, that Gordon enter the programme. It was felt that the programme may help him deal with the issues of his life, with his inoperable brain tumour and the resulting problems. Gordon agreed. However, in the end, he changed his mind and did not enter the programme, because they would not allow him to bring his Bible with him, upon entering the live-in portion of the programme.
Meanwhile, since being Gordon's spouse, it was recommended that I attend the women's programme, so I would be able to deal better with Gordon and his situation. Unlike Gordon, I did attend two (2) meetings, last September, I believe.
These meetings were meant to be support for me. I must admit that two (2) meetings doesn't really make a difference in anyone's life. Certainly not mine.
However, our friend has kept in touch with me and shows concern for me. It was recommended that I return to the women's group, for support through my grief. Today, I did exactly that. I went to a meeting, first thing this morning.
Some of the women in attendance remembered me. Certainly, I was made very welcome. For this I was grateful.
After the facilitator finished speaking, it was open time for anyone to share with the whole group. While I didn't speak about the topic, I did thank the group for accepting me back.
Rather than going into one group for sharing time, a woman who is a neighbour of mine requested we have one-on-one time, so we did. She never knew the details of the situation with Gordon, or about his health problem, or about how he ultimately died. I spoke with her of this. Then, she shared with me about herself, reassuring me that all I need to do is keep coming to the group.
Then, there was another small group sharing time. This time, we had to share not about ourselves, but about the topic discussed by the facilitator. I felt rather uncomfortable, because although this programme is being run by a religious group, not one person mentioned Jesus, except me. Two (2) of the women mentioned God, but never related anything they spoke of to Him or Jesus.
When I spoke about how the topic related to my relationship with Jesus, at least one woman got antsy and even left the room for a couple of minutes.
The message I received over and over was this: just keep coming back. Several women commented to me that they had been with this group 20+ years. This did not make me feel good at all. I am looking for help to deal with my grief and stress, not become a family member of this group. I also do not wish to make this group/programme a god, to me.
I am trying to keep an open mind about this group and will attend a few more meetings, before making a decision on staying or not. Truly, I didn't feel like I fit in.
Later, I did my real estate work and managed to find time to go to the pool to do my 30+ minutes of exercise, before heading to Bible study and prayer at my church for 7:00 pm.
I am appalled, angry, embarassed and fed up with myself over even going to my church group. Why? Well, this is the third week of the new programme and the second time I found myself dozing off during the Bible study.
I was so upset with myself, that I didn't even pray, at the end of our meeting.
Now, some people might say this is happening to me, because I am so over tired. But, I would beg to differ. Being over tired is nothing new for me. I've been like this since Gordon died, eight (8)+ months ago.
I wasn't like this during our previous Bible study programme. But, then again, the old programme was stimulating and interesting, while I find this one...truthfully...boring. Still, I can't seem to stay awake and I know it is rude.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am not trying to insult my pastor. I would not hurt him for the world! He's a great pastor.
I just find that rehashing what was taught/spoken of during the Sunday morning service, again on Thursday evening, does nothing for me.
On my way home this evening, I prayed about it and came to the conclusion that I am either going to have to not attend Sunday morning worship service, or not attend Thursday evening Bible study and prayer meeting.
This makes me feel sad thinking of doing this. Especially since people used to come for prayer time and if they couldn't stay for Bible study, they just left. Now, we cannot do this, for prayer is not ahead of Bible study, but rather, it is tacked on at the end of Bible study, with no preset time.
Of course, this doesn't mean that I would abandon my church and church family, for instead of worshipping in the morning, I would attend the evening service, instead. I'm hoping this will help. This way, on Thursday evening, the information discussed will be fresh to me. Hopefully, this is the answer.
Meanwhile, I feel awful about even thinking of what has been happening with me. I truly apologize, to whoever feels hurt by my actions.
The worst part for me, is that I no longer feel like I fit in, with my Bible study/prayer group, for it seems I am the only person who has a problem with it.
Not fitting in, has been a lifetime problem for me. I never seem to fit in, anywhere. Not with family, church, or even this group I attended this morning. Nothing new for me, the misfit!
Hopefully, God will help me resolve this problem, before I get in my vehicle and disappear off the radar screen!
Until next time...
If you would like to leave a comment or contact Lynnie, please e-mail: email@example.com
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
My realtor friend/work partner C arrived at my home about 8:30 am. Together, we drove to Leamington. As members and especially with C being a voting member of the Windsor-Essex County Real Estate Board (WECREB), we headed to the Roma Club, where a special meeting had been called. WECREB decided to hold the meeting in Leamington, so we from the Windsor area would be able to drive through the area damaged by the tornado a couple of weeks ago.
This special general membership meeting had been called, so that our board would be able to give $50,000 to a relief fund for the area. It passed with no problem.
Afterwards, C asked me if I would mind stopping at Oak Farms; I agreed. So, I drove us there. Whenever C is in the area, he likes to stop at Oak Farms to buy flowers, for his mother-in-law who will be turning 101 years old, this summer. In fact, on one of my trips to Leamington with my daughter P, C asked me to pick up flowers for him, so he could have some nice flowers to give his mother-in-law.
We veered off the quickest route home, by heading to Kingsville. On the way, we saw the devastation caused by the tornado. Once in Kingsville, I made a quick stop at Annabelle's Tea Room, where I picked up some delicious tea: Caramel Cherry Cheesecake.
When I returned to my vehicle, C asked where the cheesecake was. Shocked, I asked what he meant. It seemed C thought I had stopped to pick up actual cheesecake and not a gourmet blend of tea. We had a chuckle over this!
Heading back towards Windsor, C suggested we stop somewhere to have lunch. After a short discussion, knowing we had to stop at our office, we decided to eat at our broker's restaurant: Jovan's Station Restaurant. Since I had driven, C treated me to a delicious meal. Thank you, C!
Arriving back at my home, C was to pick up his car and head to the nursing home to see his mother-in-law. To my surprise, he gave me a package of cut flowers. Never before had he done this. I was shocked! He said he wanted to do this as a 'thank you' for me driving to Leamington and stopping at his favourite flower shop. Thank you, C! The flowers are lovely. I appreciate you doing this for me. It was not necessary, but thank you! I know I am blessed, having you as my friend.
Gordon used to bring me flowers, regularly. Receiving this gift, I thought about how much I missed receiving flowers from Gordon. Even though today's flowers were a friendly gift and not a romantic show of affection, it made me cry as I arranged them in a vase.
Lord, am I ever going to be able to function as a normal human being, without feeling grief at the most inopportune times? As I arranged the flowers, all I could think of was Gordon. I became really sad. It's so easy for people to say things like how I should think of the good times with Gordon. Only someone who has experienced such deep grief, could understand that even thinking of good times brings tears, because ultimately the person is reminded of their loss.
Just then, my neighbour/friend K phoned me, wanting me to go to the pool with her. I agreed and off we went. Me to do my daily 30+ minute pool exercise and she to relax and unwind.
Without me even mentioning being upset only a short time earlier, K told me about our neighbour/friend M. Apparently, M had been in our lobby a few days ago, waiting for a friend. She was visibly upset, crying. Unfortunately, M's husband died the same day my Gordon died. I felt bad for M, hearing this. Still, I was glad K talked with me about the incident, for it reassured me that I truly wasn't abnormal, hearing that M is still grieving her husband the way I am, mine.
Lord, it makes me feel badly that I am reassured by someone else's pain. If it is Your will, please heal our broken hearts quickly, for there are times when I just feel like I cannot go on, because the pain is so great. I'm sure M feels the same way, Lord. I ask this in Jesus' precious name and thank you in advance. Amen.
After chatting with a good friend on Facebook for a while, I relaxed, watched some television and enjoyed my instant reply (leftovers) from last night's dinner.
Severe storms are passing through our area once again. In fact, funnel clouds have been sighted in Michigan and there is currently a tornado warning in effect. Their weather always comes to us, just as it is, currently. I'm praying there won't be any further damage to any area where these storms are passing through. Time will tell. God's will is always done.
Well, I should head to bed. Sleep well, friends. I'll try.
Until next time...
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Since yesterday I wrote about Father's Day, I didn't get a chance to talk about yesterday. Well, it was my usual Monday during the day, except for left over sadness from Father's Day.
Last evening was an unusual one. As you may know, I am a member of a Creative Writing group. In addition to being my evening to meet with my cronies at my church across town, it was also Fireworks Night.
Here in Windsor, we used to have Freedom Festival; due to various reasons, we still have celebrations, carnival and the like, but we no longer call it Freedom Festival. Nothing much has changed, other than the name.
The fireworks display is one of the largest in North America. Barges on the Detroit River contain all the fireworks. Since it is a celebration for both USA and Canada, crowds gather on both sides of the river. Usually, beginning at suppertime. Just when I needed to cross town!
After getting caught up in traffic jams, due to road closures, I managed to get to church on time. It was a good thing I left home earlier than normal. Of course, my trip home was the same, for by the time I left church, just after 8:00 pm, even more roads were blocked off. What a driving nightmare. Still, those that attend the fireworks, love it!
Our Creative Writing group meeting was a little different than normal. This was because our facilitator had previously asked me to teach a class on blogging. Hmmm...for those who don't know, our group isn't really a teaching type class. All who attend are writers at heart. Most are writing books, while some prefer poems. You may have heard me say that since Gordon died, I have done no more writing of my book, but have been blogging, only.
Well, even though I am not an expert at blogging, I suppose I do have more experience than most of the people in attendance. Anyway, I did teach the class. It turned out to be a pretty good class, I think. No one seemed to be bored, so that's a good sign! Of course, as per normal, we critiqued a writer's work: mine. :-))
One thing is for sure, there is a writer or two in our group that I am sure one day I'll be proud to say, "I knew them when...!"
This morning I did my usual routine. Work, work, work. What can I say. Facebooked, too. In between calls and computer work.
Later in the day, I was happy that it hadn't rained today, for I went to the pool and did my 30+ minutes of pool exercise. It was quite a hot day, yet by the pool it seemed cool. The breeze off the river and lake, just seems to cool things down, in that area. The pool is heated; the water temperature was beautiful. When you get out, even in the heat, it feels cool. A nice relief!
Of course, it doesn't take long before the temperature begins to make one feel warm, again. Tonight, on my way to pick up my daughter P about 6:50 pm, my van thermometer said it was 90F/32C. Wow! And, it's still just June. Hopefully, we're going to have a good summer and not one that is overwhelmingly hot and humid!
P and I went to a meeting to receive feedback from the mediation hearing that occurred, today. We are both members of the boarded up houses group, for Windsor's west side, near the bridge.
Apparently, the hearing seemed to go well, with the mediator leaning towards the City of Windsor relenting and issuing demolition permits for the massive number of vacant and boarded up houses that pose a threat to those who live in the area. Apparently, the recommendation went to the Mayor; he refused.
Oh well. This means more legal steps and progressing with the lawsuit that has begun. Time will tell. Hopefully, our Mayor will relent and change his mind, before any residents get hurt, robbed, mugged, raped or murdered by someone hiding out in any one of the mega number of houses in this condition. You would have to see it for yourself to believe it. Almost whole streets of boarded up homes, with the occasional home being lived in. It's horrible. My personal opinion is that the City of Windsor is currently being negligent in protecting the citizens of the area.
In fact, I decided tonight that even though I don't usually buy lottery tickets, I will this week. Apparently, the prize(s) are huge. I've decided that if I were to win the large prize, I would be able to afford to buy homes next to our Mayor's and Counsellor's homes. I would leave them vacant and boarded up. We'll see how fast the City Building Dept. would issue work orders! They wouldn't want to live in an area such as this, creating danger for themselves and their families, but are allowing low income people struggling to live in this affected area, to be subjected to this threatening arrangement. Shame of them!
Okay. I'm off my soapbox, now. I was glad the legal meeting had ended earlier than I previously thought it would, for I headed over to Tecumseh Roadhouse. No, there wasn't practice or competition for Bluesfest going on. Just karaoke. My intention wasn't to sing; in fact, I didn't sing.
What I did was, I ate dinner there. Usually, I don't like to sing on a full stomach, so when I had been attending every week, I wasn't ordering food, just tea. I felt badly, for I know that as a restaurant, even though they serve liquor, their main business is food. So, I went and ate dinner. Well, at least half of it, anyway. The rest, I brought home with me, for tomorrow as an instant replay!
It also made me feel good to let the people running the karaoke know that I wasn't upset for not making the cut into the semi-finals. I wanted to let them know I was okay with it. We had a nice visit and chat, during dinner. Just thinking they may have thought I didn't come back, because I didn't make the cut, was upsetting to me, so I'm glad I went.
In addition, I ran into a fellow who had performed and not made the cut, last week. He and his wife had eaten dinner there, also. Apparently, his wife made a DVD of every performer singing in the Bluesfest Idol 2010 quarter-final contest. Of course, I bought one from her! Once I've had a chance to view it, I'll comment on it.
Now, it's getting to be bedtime. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep earlier tonight, than last night, because I have to be up early in the morning. So, wish me well! Know that I appreciate you reading and pray you will have a great sleep!
Until next time...
If you would like to comment, please e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org I'd love to hear from you!
Monday, June 21, 2010
As I mentioned on Mother's Day, Gordon and I always celebrated these type family holidays, together. Being a second marriage, filled with family problems, it isn't really surprising. So, while most people were missing fathers, I was missing my husband, Gordon.
Does this mean I didn't miss my own Dad? Of course I missed him. I do, every year. I miss him, every time I think of him. In fact, I've missed him most of my life.
As I've mentioned in the past, I did not have a good relationship with my Dad. While you may think I didn't love him, you would be wrong, for I did and still do. Growing up, I wanted nothing more than a loving family, where my Dad loved me. He didn't. He couldn't.
As a child, it hurt me. As an adolescent, I felt worthless. As an adult, who came to understand the problem, I realized that it never had anything to do with me. It was simply a case that my Dad didn't accept tragic circumstances of his life. At least, until I was an adult and married, when he began changing.
Please don't be mistaken. I am not trying to put my Dad down. I'm merely stating facts.
The truth is, I loved my Dad, very much. The reality is, he never accepted me, until the last two (2) weeks of his life. The night before he died, he told me he loved me. Then, he called me by the wrong name, as if I was someone else. Oh well. While I may not have been happy about my past family life, I know I did everything I could to let him know I loved him and was sorry for my part in the problem relationship, and forgave him for his part of the problem. Actually, I still feel sorry for him, for he missed out on having a great relationship with a loving daughter.
I've been thinking. One of the reasons I believe I'm having trouble dealing with Gordon's death, has to do with love. Or, the lack of it.
As I mentioned, I've experience more than my share of problems in my life. There truly hasn't been much love for me. Not from my parents. Not from family. So, with Gordon being my whole life, it explains to me part of the reason I'm having a hard time, dealing with Gordon's death. For, I am truly alone. Now, there's no love for Lynnie.
Yes, I have friends. I have great friends; people who show me love, care and concern. And, I'm grateful for them. Thank You, Lord. But, underneath it all, my heart still yearns for a loving family. People for me to love and to be loved by.
While I am happy for my friends, I watch them with their families and long to be like them.
This isn't something new. Even in my first marriage, I was so-o happy to have been married into a close-knit family, for I felt like I was finally going to have the family of my dreams. Not only was I not accepted by them, the marriage didn't work out, so there was no love, there.
As a believer in Christ, trusting God for my life and my eternity, I ask myself if it matters. Not really. When I am feeling down, I remind myself of God's promises. Yes, I feel down, sometimes. I'm only human. Just because I am Christian doesn't mean that I don't have feelings. The difference is that if I were not trusting in Jesus for my eternal salvation, I probably would not have had the courage to carry on with my life after suffering a lifetime of extreme problems, but since I do have the Lord in my life, I know that when I am feeling down, it is then when He carries me. Besides, God's Word tells us that sometimes believers suffer more problems in life.
God's Word says that rain will fall on the just and on the unjust, meaning that everyone will have problems in their lives. God promised in Revelation 21:4, "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."
Tell me, who could be sad about that? What a promise! Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!
My neighbour/friend K understands how I feel, even if some of you can't. I never spoke with her about this, but she is aware that I really don't have close family connections. Since I was feeling rather down on Sunday, I didn't make dinner; I couldn't be bothered. I didn't let it be widely known I was feeling down, either; I tried to smile and carry on with life.
K knew ahead of time that I would probably feel this way, especially since she too is a widow, who also felt that when she lost her husband, she lost her soulmate.
In fact, when she brought me dinner, she told me she knew I would feel like this, for she did and still does, but the difference was that she has support from her family, who call to let her know they love her and care for her, on special days like Father's Day. Her thoughts, not mine. Dinner was absolutely delicious, K. Thank you, so very much, for your friendship, care, concern and Christian love. May God bless you.
I am thankful that God is healing my family relationships. I am thankful for good friends. While I may have sad times, dealing with grief and other things, I'm blessed...and I know it.
Until next time...
If you would like to comment, feel free to e-mail: email@example.com
Sunday, June 20, 2010
(reprinted with thanks to http://www.thefathersloveletter.com/)
To all, I wish a very Happy Father's Day. May you be loved.
Until next time...
Saturday, June 19, 2010
As you know, I do have trouble sleeping, still. Hopefully, this grief-depression I am feeling, will subside and I will be able to sleep better, soon. However, last night, I planned to go out after midnight to Shoppers Drug Mart (SDM).
A nearby location is open 24 hours. Usually, my friend J and I go when there are items on sale we wish to purchase and don't want to have to fight crowds to do it. However, J has a friend from Toronto visiting her, so I decided I would go alone to SDM.
When midnight came I changed my mind, because of being so-o very tired. I made the decision to stay home and worry about shopping, later today. I was truly happy to climb into bed, thinking I would get a great rest! Then, the usual happened. Eyes open, wide awake, I found myself uptight, once again. Couldn't sleep!
After 1:00 am, I decided to get up, get dressed and head out to SDM. Yes, I did my shopping. Call me crazy, but if you have never shopped at this time, you might want to try it. No crowds, the store is usually well stocked and it's simple to find parking.
For me, the other bonus is that when I arrive home, if I cannot carry all my items easily, then I have no trouble using one of the carts we have in our lobby, to bring up my purchases. What a blessing it is, to not have to wait! This was especially nice last night, because SDM had water on sale and I stocked up. Yes, I use filtered water at home, but I use bottled water, when I go out.
Talk about tiring! By the time I got my purchases, water and all, into my home, I felt like I had had the biscuit! Still, I was happy to have managed to do this when I did, for I was going to sleep well, for sure.
And I did. Now, had I waited until later in the day, it would have been a harder trial, as I mentioned. Also, my body would have been hurting all day long. This way, I was able to relax my body and rest up. Yes! I slept well! Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!
Today, I had some not great news. I didn't make the cut for Bluesfest Idol 2010. Oh well, it wasn't meant to be. God's will is always done.
It's funny, but after I performed on Tuesday, I dreamt through the night about not making the cut. When I awoke, the song Sad Eyes was on my mind, except for some reason the lyrics were slightly different; they spoke of God not wanting to hurt me, so I should turn away.
Since God has given me a gift of intuition, I felt like I knew right from Wednesday morning. It's okay, really. Although I would have loved to have been able to sing my rewritten version of Sarah McLachlin's Angel on stage at Bluesfest, I know that God's will is always done. If He willed it, it would happen; if not, it wouldn't . Well, we all know it wasn't His will for my dream to happen.
When this opportunity originally arose, I thought I was being stupid about thinking of trying out. After all, I am not a young person, anymore. Still, the thought of having the experience of just being able to sing for my Lord, about Jesus, for any group of people, especially a group that may contain many unsaved people, made me feel good.
This was quite a change, for someone like me, who had been so terrified in the past, of having anyone hear me sing, that I just knew I had to do this. Even if it were only to prove to myself, that I could do it.
It's one thing to sing acapella in a comfortable environment, as I have recently been doing for church and it's quite another to be judged for not just your ability, but choice of music, etc. and have to sing to pre-recorded music, in an uncomfortable environment.
I must take the time to thank my friends who supported me. And, in a special way, my friend M, for helping me overcome my fear. Stage fright is a terrible thing. Fear is a terrible thing. It's sin. Thank you M, for helping me overcome my fear. Thank You, Father, for helping me overcome my sin and giving me the opportunity. No matter what, I will always be grateful, being able to honour You... and Gordon.
Today, I just did some housework. Yes, everyone needs to do it! Resting through the heat, was good for me. I never put on the air-conditioning, even though it was 87F. I knew it would begin cooling off about suppertime, so I just suffered through it, enjoying the slight breeze during the afternoon. I even napped in my recliner chair for a short time!
Early this evening, I went to the pool and did my exercise, before making a stir-fry for dinner. Then, I watched a murder mystery movie on CTV, Murder 19C: Detective Murdoch Mysteries: Under the Dragon's Tail. It was pretty good.
The big thing for me, is that while I don't mind being alone, it becomes very lonely. Especially, when I think of Gordon. Tomorrow, is Father's Day. As I mentioned previously, we usually celebrated this special day, together.
My Dad is another person I think of on Father's Day. He's dead, too. Although I must say that I grieved the loss of my Dad, for a very long time; sometimes, I feel I still am grieving him. However, this is a topic for another day.
Oh well. That's life. I must admit, today was an unusual day, at least for me. I'm sure some of you readers are either fathers, have fathers or know fathers. So, I will say goodnight, by wishing you Happy Father's Day!
Until next time...
Friday, June 18, 2010
Since I had my Chiropractic adjustment yesterday, I planned to take it easy, today. After all, once my body has been adjusted and is in the best shape it can be in, why would I want to go against what my Chiropractor advises. It would only lead to my body slipping back into the condition it was in, before my adjustment! So, today was a rest day, for the most part. I still had to do what I had to do. However, I didn't schedule anything taxing on my body. So, inbetween doing my routine, I spent time on Facebook (FB).
A couple of days ago, a young man P, asked to become my friend; I accepted, because he is the son of a couple who used to be friendly with my parents, even though they are basically my age. You see, the father of this fellow used to coach minor league hockey with my Dad.
After messaging on and off, P suggested I request his Mom A to become my friend on FB. So, I did! Today, I found A had become my friend and had left a comment for me on my wall. I responded and we messaged off and on, through the day.
Tonight, I found that P's sister, A's daughter, also became a friend of mine on FB.
Thank You, Father! May we all be blessed, by this reunion of sorts.
Another friend on FB left a comment for me. I responded to C's comment and we too, messaged each other throughout the day. C has experienced greater loss than I have, for she not only lost her husband nine (9) years ago, she also lost her child.
My heart breaks for her. Just dealing with being estranged from one of my daughters and dealing with grief from losing my husband, is stressful and difficult at times, for me to deal with. My heart goes out to C. Honestly, I know God has helped her through this trial, just as I know He has helped me through mine, for without Him, neither of us could have ever survived.
Sometimes, I feel God speaks to me through preaching/teaching. Today, Pastor/Rev. Mark Brown of The Bible and some other pages on FB, who at the moment is visiting in New York City, once again spoke to my heart.
Since Mark is not at home, but is travelling, he has become acutely aware of how hard it is to be able to function, while experiencing stress and lack of sleep. And recently, he has been been discussing this.
Although I am not happy he is suffering this trial, I am happy that I can see I am absolutely normal, for the effects he says it is having on him, is about the same as it's having on me.
Sometimes, I feel that I'm doing all I can to survive and even overcome, but unlike Mark, there are other times, when I feel so low, that I feel I must be a terrible disappointment to God.
In my heart, I know I am not a disappointment to God. But, there are times, when my head tells me this. At those times, I have to remind myself that I am not in control of my life; God is. All I can do, is what I can do. Pray, read my Bible, trust in God and His Word, and believe that Jesus loves me.
With Father's Day coming on Sunday, I realize that once again, I'm feeling rather bummed out. This will be another first in my life without Gordon.
While Gordon was not my father, I always celebrated Father's Day with him, the way he celebrated Mother's Day, with me. Especially since, we had severe family problems and estrangements to deal with. Only, this year he won't be here.
Usually, we would visit the cemetary, together. We would visit his parents and grandparents graves. This year, it will be only me...visiting Gordon's grave, in addition to the others.
Since I live so far away from Mississauga, where my parents are buried, I don't get to visit their graves, very often. However, whenever I am in that area, I make sure I go.
It's close to bedtime, but I have an errand to run; I'll tell you about it, tomorrow. I'm sure it will give you a great laugh! So, be sure to tune in or click on, or whatever you want to call it, once again, tomorrow! Thank you for reading.
Until next time...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
First thing this morning, my daughter P called me, to see if it was today we were scheduled to meet with the lawyer, regarding the boarded up houses in her area. While I cannot believe I did this, I know I really did! I told P, the appointment was next Thursday. Then, about an hour later, I got a call from the lawyer, wondering if we were coming in to see her! We rescheduled for later in the afternoon. lol If I don't laugh, I'll cry. Am I getting old, or what? :-(
Since I wouldn't be able to exercise after receiving my chiropractic treatment (I'm supposed to relax, take it easy and not overdo things after my adjustments), I did today's exercise, both stretching and pool exercise, earlier than normal.
You're probably wondering when I find time to work. I do. Believe it, or not!
In fact, today I helped a client search out someone to do some restoration work, since her home suffered flooding, last week. She was having some trouble finding people to give estimates and do the work. No wonder. In Windsor alone, there were over 1400 floodings, during the bad weather that brought the tornado, that decimated part of Essex County. Hopefully, things will be under control, soon.
Although, since my real estate partner C is out of town for the weekend, I know I won't be physically working, too hard! :-))
In the late afternoon, I picked up my daughter P. Together, we met with the lawyer regarding the boarded up houses on Windsor's west side. We signed our affidavits and were out of the law office, fairly quickly. These were needed for the mediation meeting, being held next week.
Hopefully, my chiropractic treatment will give me some relief. I will do my best to rest over the next 24 hours, meaning I won't tax myself, physically. Probably due to all the extra exercise I've been doing, my body is really hurting. Of course, since every joint in my body is hurting, it might be due to the Rheumatoid Arthritis (Ankylosing Spondylitis), that I have. Only God knows. Only He can provide the healing I need.
Father, if it is Your will, I am asking You to take away my body and joint pain; I'm trusting You for this, for You promised that You would give me the desire of my heart, if it is Your will. I'm trusting it is Your will for this, praying in Jesus' name, as You requested, and am thanking You, in advance. It's difficult to deal with life's issues at the best of times, but even harder when you suffer chronic pain. In Jesus' precious name I pray. Amen.
Since I was on the west side of Windsor, I really didn't really want to cross town again, since I would be going to my church later, for prayer and Bible study. So, I did some shopping and met with my friend B, who needed some help installing her MagicJack onto her computer. Got the deed done! Thank You, Lord, for helping me do this for B!
Bible study and prayer were uneventful. Still, the fellowship is nice. I appreciate my church family.
We prayed for many people and circumstances, including my neighbour/friend K's friend E. E needs his pacemaker replaced and was scheduled to have it done today, in London, ON. The trouble is, he wasn't well over a week ago, went to hospital, was admitted and released a couple of days ago. Apparently, E wasn't able to have his much needed surgery today, because he was in such poor condition, physically. From what I was told, the hospital in London, was rather upset that he hadn't been transferred there, instead of being released earlier this week by the hospital, in Windsor.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. In my opinion, we have a good medical system. The trouble is, it is broken. When people like Gordon and E fall through the cracks, it is broken. And, needs fixing.
Hopefully, E will improve and be able to have the surgery he needs. If not, we'll be attending his funeral.
Father, once again, we ask in Jesus' name that it is Your will to provide for E, heal him enough so he will be able to have the surgery he requires and bring him through it, but most of all Father, if he isn't saved, we pray You will save him. We trust You for this and thank You, in advance. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
Arriving home, I just relaxed tonight. Didn't do much. Watched some Rick Steves' travel shows on PBS, updated Facebook (FB) and wrote this entry.
Now, I'll just relax, enjoy the cool night air, read my Bible before bed and try to not be upset, missing Gordon. Even though, I do.
Until next time...
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Knowing that I had work to do in the morning (like normal) and instead of wasting my awake-in-the-middle-of-the-night time, I got my computer work done. Sent a fax, also. It was a good thing, because after updating on Facebook (FB) about 5:00 am, I shut my computer down, about 5:15 am. Hopefully, I was sleeping by 5:30 am, but I really can't say, for sure.
Morning came early and tired as I was, I got up and did what I needed to do. Lunchtime was spent with the 50+ group at my church. It's always a relaxing time of fellowship. Today's luncheon was our last meeting until the fall, as we don't meet during the summer.
Today's speaker was a Christian man who runs a prison ministry at the Windsor Jail. He gave a fabulous presentation. I can tell he truly has a heart for his ministry. Hopefully, I will be able to either contribute or help this ministry, in some way.
Since I was close to my daughter P's home, I called her and dropped by for a short visit. It was my surprise to find my eldest daughter B, there. With my newest grandchild, B's daughter A, who is now five (5) weeks and one (1) day old. They were all outside P's home, waiting for me to arrive.
This was the first time I have seen my granddaughter and was happy to hold her in my arms. What a beautiful baby! Her Dad was there; I congratulated him. In response, he congratulated me, too. I spoke with B for a short time, while I enjoyed cuddling my grandbaby.
What a shocking, but wonderful surprise, this was! I felt blessed, because I was. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus! How could I ever ask for more?! You bless me, beyond belief!
The only thing that could have made this a better blessing, would have been if Gordon could have been there, with me...
Afterwards, because I had preplanned to pick up my newest friend M and take her to my Injured Workers' Coalition meeting, I made my way to M's home. But, since the meeting was cancelled at the last moment, we just went to Timmie's for coffee. We enjoyed our coffee and fellowship time together, getting to know each other, better.
By the time I arrived home, I was absolutely exhausted. Still, I forced myself to get changed, went down to the pool and exercised until my 30+ exercise routine was complete. While the air temperature was in the 80's F, the wind off the river/lake felt cool. When I got out of the pool, I felt like I was freezing! Ah, a cool relief to the heat!
While making dinner, I had several conversations with friends. Then, just relaxed for the evening, watching TV and playing on the computer.
Hopefully, I will sleep well, tonight. I'm exhausted, so I think I'll do my stretching exercise and get to bed, shortly. Nighty-night!
Until next time...
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Wishing Gordon were here. Wishing I could just will myself away from here. Not really even caring about being rested for tonight's planned performance. In fact, I spent much of the day crying.
Today, I did no real estate work. I planned it that way. Just in case I felt I needed to practice my music.
While the weather forecast called for rain, I prayed it would hold off until I got my pool exercise done. Yes, I managed to wear my body out and not get sprinkled on! Thank You, Lord!
It's kind of funny, at least to me, that today, I sort of felt like I did when I was a child.
When I was in school, I never really learned how to study. It seemed that I either got it or didn't. With not much in between. In fact, in high school, I only ever wrote two (2) exams: Grade 9 History and Grade 9 Geography. For all my other courses, I was exempt.
Believe it or not! It's the truth. It's a good thing I didn't have any exams to write, for if I had, I probably would have panicked. Like I did, when I took some university courses. Yes, I felt so-o very uncomfortable when it came to writing exams in university, for I was very unsure of myself, knowing that I really didn't know how to study or how to write exams. Somehow, I made it, even though God wasn't foremost in my life at that time.
Same thing when I obtained my real estate license. Did I study then? No. The most I did was read over some work. Why didn't I study? Well, I felt that when I read too much, or tried to cram information at the last moment, I made myself feel ill and began questioning what I believed I knew.
The same thing happened, today. I think I only sang my songs once, today. Not much practice, really. In fact, I had the same feelings I had while in school. Either I knew what I needed to know, or I didn't. That's it. That's all she wrote!
The Bible tells us not to compare ourselves with others. I try to not do this, ever. But, isn't that what this music competition is all about? After all, everyone who sang tonight, were judged. I won't know for a few days, whether or not I will move forward to the BLUESFEST IDOL 2010 semi-final contest.
I am at peace with this, whatever the outcome.
The competition was stiff! There were so-o many excellent singers, including some professionals. I am glad I don't have to judge, because it would be very difficult. And, of course, there are many others being judged throughout this whole week.
I thank God, for the opportunity that I had, tonight. This was truly something I could be proud of, without falling into sinful pride. Just knowing that God helped me overcome my fear of singing when anyone could hear me, is reward enough for me.
I praise God, for not just delivering me from this debilitating fear that held me back throughout much of my life, but also for providing me an opportunity to sing about Jesus, to a crowd of people, who may or may not know Him.
May He use my efforts, to plant those seeds for Christ. Hopefully, someone hearing me sing about Jesus, may question their own life. If God means it to be so, it will happen.
In any case, even though I could feel my body vibrating while on stage, it was my pleasure and honour to sing for my Lord, about my Lord, in an environment such as this. It was worth every ounce of fear I felt.
Whether I am finished in BLUESFEST as of now, or whether I move forward and continue, I am content. Of course, I would feel priviledged to sing for a huge crowd on Family Day in July, for BLUESFEST, because it is my heart's desire. However, I completed what I set out to do. To honour God with being an overcomer; overcoming one of my own life's trials.
Even though I have felt brokenhearted over losing Gordon, my soulmate, God showed me through this contest, that there are people in this world who care for and about me.
I am grateful to those who have supported me through this process, who came out to practices with me, who encouraged me in a variety of ways. And especially, for those who prayed for me. Thank you, to family and friends who were able to come to watch me perform, tonight.
You will never know the depth of my gratefulness. May God bless you, now and always.
I enjoyed myself and sang my heart and soul out, for God! Now, the rest is up to Him.
Until next time...
Monday, June 14, 2010
So, I decided to go. I managed to sing all three (3) songs that I had to plan for, for tomorrow's competition. I thank my Lord, for I really did not get there early, at all! In fact, it was rather late, when I arrived.
While there, I tried to purchase something to drink. Non-alcoholic, that is. Ha! Easier said than done!
I was told they didn't serve coffee and/or tea on Sunday evenings, which is what I usually drink when I'm out (tea-totaller me!). The only sugar-free pop they had contained Aspartame; I was told by the dieticians, nurses and my doctor that cares for me with my diabetes, that I am not to have aspartame, EVER. So, nope; no pop. Ah, they had iced tea! Nestea, not Nestea Zero, which I am allowed, because it contains Splenda, not Aspartame, so no iced tea. The lady offered me juice. Sure! And have my sugar level soar through the roof?! I passed on that.
Ultimately, I sat there drinking my bottled water, from home. I felt terrible, not being able to support the club. After all, I was there enjoying music, relaxing (albeit by myself) and singing my heart out.
To make it worse, an older lady assisting my FB friend, who was running the karaoke, gave me a draw ticket. I have to say, I've never been a very lucky person, in the past. But, since Gordon died, I've won more stuff! Including a Club Alouette T-shirt, in last evening's draw! I felt terrible, but was told to be happy. I was happy, but felt badly at the same time, because it seemed like I was paid to attend, instead of me supporting them! :-(
Being really wound-up, I couldn't sleep. I actually shut my computer down and headed to bed, about 4:45 am. No, I wasn't up early, but I didn't really sleep in, either. I had work to do, before picking up my co-worker/realtor partner C, to show homes to a client of ours.
Since I was near my friend M's home, when I dropped C off, I enjoyed a cup of tea and some fellowship with M. Thank you, M! The tea and cookies were delicious! Know that I am still praying for healing for you; so, is my church family!
Coming home exhausted, I forced myself to do my pool exercise, before it began raining. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus, for holding off the rain!
Finally, I made dinner, relaxed, watched some TV; well, sort of, in between phone calls with friends and my brother, G!
Now, you would think that I would be tired. Very tired. I am; but, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep, tonight. After all, I will be singing tomorrow evening, competing against other fabulous singers, some of whom are professionals.
Oh well, all I can do is my best. I've decided I'll just sing for the Lord and trust Him! And, let His will be done.
Until next time...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Due to not being able to go to the cemetary after church today, I decided I would go before church. Sounded like a good plan to me. Since I needed gasoline in my van and since there seems to be construction everywhere, I decided on a different route to get there.
You see, recently I had an early morning appointment in S. Windsor, so I drove along Cty. Rd. #42 and became late for my appointment, due to construction. Then, a few days later, I had another early morning appointment in S. Windsor, and since I knew Cty. Rd. #42 had a construction zone, I decided to take E.C.Row Expressway. Surprise! Construction narrowed traffic to one lane; late, again! Then, another day, I tried using Walker Rd. to head south; construction! In fact, you can't even drive anywhere near the airport, for all access is cut off, totally.
My goodness! Other than crossing town to the west and then heading south, there seems to be no way to get there, other than the route I took, this morning. I drove down Banwell, to Cty. Rd. #42, to Manning Rd., to the old Hwy. #3 and headed west...to find myself in a construction zone! Was I glad it was Sunday and not a weekday!
Anyway, I arrived at the cemetary and visited at Gordon's grave site. There's really nothing more to be said about this...
I stopped by my daughter P's for a few minutes, before heading to church. Once there, I was pleasantly surprised that a young woman I met the other day N, joined me. I was so-o glad she decided to attend. She told me she would, but I wasn't sure if she would follow through.
We met at the car dealership a few days ago. N and I hit it off, really well. In fact, she opened up to me and as I was leaving, we agreed that our meeting wasn't by chance, but by divine design.
One day, I may discuss N in more depth, but not today. It is enough to say that she has suffered a fairly troubled life. For whatever reason, God brought us together, so I'm happy with that. I'm looking forward to getting to know N, better. Please pray about this. Thank you. May God bless you.
After church, N had plans and so did I. I stopped at the house, then made my way to pick up an old friend W, who joined my church-sister L and I in my van. After dropping W off at Zellers, where she purchased a new swimsuit, I took L home and returned to pick up W.
I had prayed God would hold off the rain, forcasted for today. He did. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus! W and I enjoyed our time together, in the pool. It wasn't as hot and muggy as yesterday, but we were happy to be cooled off!
Afterwards, we shared a meal together; an instant reply for me, but new to W!
On my way across town to take W home, I made a stop at a friends home, to drop something off. After taking W home, I made my way to worship with my friends, who are now members of Pastor B's tiny group. In fact, I got to see my friend B become a member of this church group. This proves that blessings come in all sizes!
Realizing a few friends would probably be coming to root me on, for Tuesday's BLUESFEST IDOL 2010 quarter-final contest, I dropped by Tecumseh Roadhouse and reserved two tables for Tuesday evening.
On my way home, I stopped at my friend J's for a moment or two. By the time I got home, I was exhausted! Then, I was notified by my co-worker/realtor parter-friend C, that we have an appointment to show homes, tomorrow afternoon. Oh, my goodness!
Talk about a busy day! It sure wasn't a rest day, for me. But, it was a wonderful God-honouring day. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!
Until next time...
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Home Depot had something on sale I was hoping to purchase; I thought they opened at 9:00 am. When I arrived about 9:30 am, I expected to find the product. Nope. Apparently, people came in and purchased 50 at a time, according to one sales rep. Oh well. Such is life!
Then, I decided to head down to Cameron's, to purchase some things they had on sale, today.
On the way, I passed by another Home Depot store, so I stopped there. A greeter told me they open at 7:00 am and had been sold out of the item I had hoped to purchase, almost immediately. Okay. What a day!
Cameron's was a very busy store, today. Yes! I managed to purchase the items I was looking for! Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!
Needing some romaine lettuce and fruit for dessert, for tonight's dinner, I stopped and made those purchases.
Wow! Today was a very busy shopping day! I was glad to get home.
Today, I actually turned on the air-conditioner, for the first time this season. I made sure to clean the filter, before turning it on. Ha! I'll bet you didn't think I knew about such things! You'd be surprised the info I have tucked away in my brain! :-))
I was pleasantly surprised to be able to do my pool exercise, today. Also, Iwas shocked that since it wasn't raining, like the weather forecast had called for, the pool wasn't packed on such a hot day. But, it wasn't. There were a few people, but it was far from crowded, so I was able to do my exercise, easily. Again, Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!
Believe it or not, I managed to do all this, update Facebook (FB), chat with a friend on FB and finish preparing for my guests, who were coming to dinner, today. I suppose it pays to be efficient, being able to multi-task! :-))
Dinner was delicious, even if I do say so myself! Still, the best part wasn't the meal. The fellowship I enjoyed with my church friends W & J and E & J, was wonderful. It was the first time we had gotten together like this, in quite a while. Since W was recovering from recent surgery, we had to wait until she was able to join in our friendly celebration.
W & J brought me a beautiful gift, that I will treasure. Thank you, both! However, you and my friend J have to learn to come to my home empty-handed! No gifts, please! Thank you, E & J, for doing this for me. While some people think it is necessary to bring a host/hostess a gift, I believe that this only applies to non-friend/family situations.
The only let down, is realizing that there was an empty seat. As couples, Gordon and I enjoyed fellowship, together with our friends. No more. No more Gordon.
One friend recently suggested it was probably getting to be time to consider dating. DATING? When I heard this, I couldn't believe my ears. At first, I thought I was hearing things. Dating? I know my friend who mentioned this, meant well. But, how on earth could I even consider this, when I can hardly even accept that my Gordon, is dead?
Be still my heart! I cannot imagine, ever dating, anyone, ever. For many reasons. Still, I suppose one cannot ever say never, for we don't really know what God has in store for us. For me.
Still, based upon the rest of my life, I cannot imagine that God would bless me with a love-filled senior life. After all, to date, my life hasn't been a bowl of cherries.
Time will tell what God has in store for me. I just wish I felt led by Him, now. Instead, I feel rather empty. Useless. With no real purpose. While I know I continue to spread the Gospel message, as God commanded, I really just feel like I am killing time, here on earth.
Hopefully, as my heart heals from losing my husband, I will feel better. Please, make it soon, Lord!
Until next time...