Saturday, May 1, 2010

Alone vs Loneliness...

Even though we had a severe thunderstorm early this morning, I awoke feeling like I had slept well. However, since it was still dark and raining, I decided to not take my cleaning supplies and go clean my house.

Knowing that I originally planned to clean early in the day and later bake muffins, I decided all was not lost. I baked early, instead. At least this way, I didn't have to go out in the rain, or another possible thunderstorm first thing; deciding that in the afternoon I would go do the cleaning.

Well, after baking six (6) dozen muffins, I was tired! So, I decided to relax for a short time and watch a cooking programme on PBS that I enjoy; later, go do the cleaning. Nope. It didn't happen.

I know that continuous stress, grief and grief-depression makes people tired. I've experienced it, myself. Plus, I've seen it in other people. Today, I must have needed to release more stress, for I never really got to watch the PBS cooking programme I planned to see, for I fought sleep the whole time I was seated in my recliner chair! In fact, I fought sleep for about an hour and a half. There went my afternoon!

Consequently, I didn't get any cleaning done, except here at my apartment. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. Oops, I mean Monday. Tomorrow is my Lord's day!

Actually, that is why I baked so many muffins, today. In addition to worshipping tomorrow at my church, I will be worshipping at 4:00 pm at Pastor B's Bible Community Church, at the daycare centre on Bloomfield Rd., again. Pastor B asked me to sing a hymn, so I will. Knowing that he's planned a BBQ for the neighbourhood after worship service, I knew he'd need a lot of food, for a lot of people. Hence, the muffins!

Today, was another lonely day. When I say this, I don't mean that I don't enjoy having time alone, time for myself to do what I would like to do, time to watch a tv programme that I would like to see, time to read my Bible, or an interesting book. No, I do enjoy time by myself. There are times when I appreciate not having the heavy load of stress that I lived under, while Gordon was still alive.

What I am referring to when I write about being lonely, has more to do with my inner feelings of being loved, or in my case, the lack thereof.

Some people have great families to support them. Basically, I don't. I do have a fairly good relationship with my youngest daughter P. Our relationship had previously been estranged, but God has been providing healing. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus! Even so, I rarely get to spend time with P and her family.

Other than P, I really don't have family to support me, especially during this time of grief. No parents. No relatives, here in Windsor. My siblings are a three+ hour drive away from here and our relationships are not as close as I would like them to be, especially with my sister, whom I would appreciate having a relationship with, even if she doesn't.

God may possibly be opening the door for a renewed relationship with my eldest daughter, B. Time will tell. Other than this, there is no other family, not even Gordon's family, anymore.

Please don't think I am complaining, for I am not. I am just stating facts. God's will is always done. I have accepted the fact that in the past, it has not been God's will for me to have the close-knit family that I always dreamed of.

About 9:45 pm, my Christian friend/sister-in-the-Lord A, called. She said that God put it on her heart to call me, for she just felt I needed loving contact. I believe her, when she says this. A isn't a computer-user, so she doesn't read my blog and has no idea what I ever write about. So, I know that when she calls me and says God placed it on her heart to call, I know it is true.

A reminded me of how despondent she had been when her first husband walked out on her. We recalled how heart-broken she was, especially when shortly after, her only child, her son left to go live with his Dad. She felt so alone, unloved and unwanted. I believe that she is one person who truly understands how I feel, at times.

She reminded me of how I supported her, even in the middle of the night, at times. Phone calls and visits at 1, 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning, when she felt like God had abandoned her and felt like she no longer had a life. Sort of like how I feel, now.

A also reminded me of how our God is a god of restoration. We talked and praised God for restoring her life. Giving her a new life. A new family. God has given her a Christian husband to love her; they were blessed with a beautiful baby daughter, about a year ago. Yes, God restored A and her life. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

I praise God for A and her friendship, for her love towards me, for her undying care and concern, even when I tell her I am okay, for she knows that I truly am not. And, she does care.

Not all my friends have been supportive. Some don't know what to say to me; I understand this. Some don't feel I fit in, now that I am single and they are married; I understand this. Some just don't want to be bothered. God has revealed to me who my friends truly are; I am grateful for this. Even so, God has blessed me with good friends, too.

In any case, thank You, Father. May You bless each one.

Until next time...