Saturday, April 17, 2010

Rainbow's End...

Maybe it was the excitement of the prospect of having company for dinner, tonight and tomorrow, but I just could not relax to sleep. So, up I was through part of the night.

I made good use of my time. I did a few things, like cleaning the bathroom, dusting, etc. I got the dessert made for tonight and tomorrow. It's a dessert that I hadn't made in years. Gordon couldn't eat it, because it contained strawberries and he was allergic to them.

Finally, I returned to bed, but never really got into a great sleep. I dozed. Tossed and turned. I don't know what gets into me, sometimes.

I just couldn't seem to stop thinking about my life.

It's a very lonely life, now that Gordon is gone. I sometimes think I made some terrible mistakes with my life. Still, when push comes to shove, I feel that I would never want to turn back the clock, for I believe I would just have to live through the same life course, all over again. No. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Today, I had conversations with several friends and a potential client. Read my Bible. Talked with God. Continued cooking, to prepare for tonight's dinner.

Close to 5:30 pm, my co-worker/friends C and M, arrived. We enjoyed conversation over dinner and had a great time, together.

M has had her share of life's problems. Cancer was one of them; praise God, it hasn't returned! Thank You, Jesus! Of course, you have heard me speak about C, who became a widower close to a year ago. M and C are just friends, not a couple.

About 8:00 pm, they left. C was going to drop M off at her home, then he was going out on a date. Yes, you heard me right. A date.

I know that C misses his wife. He still cannot speak of her without choking up and tears rising to the surface of his eyes. He, along with a couple of our friends, attended grief counselling, if you recall. It seems it has helped C to come to terms with his life, as it is, now. Otherwise, he wouldn't be able to go out on a date.

It made me happy and sad, when they left. Happy, because I know C is moving on with his life. Beginning a new one. Sad, because it meant that I was alone yet again, for another evening.

Being alone evening after evening is not new to me, for Gordon spent many an evening in bed, in pain, suffering. Sometimes, when I sit here alone, I feel like he's in our bedroom and I expect to see him come out to sit with me for a while. But, he doesn't. He never will, again.

I think this is why when I go to bed, that I have trouble sleeping. For when I enter my bedroom, even though I know he won't be there, it doesn't feel right him not being there.

Okay. I suppose you have the picture, now. I'm crying, again. Why this infernal sadness comes over me, I can't tell you. It just shows me that my grief has not ended.

Let's face it. Everyone wants their lives to be filled with love and happiness. We're all after the same rainbow's end...

Oh well, back to reality. Tomorrow, is another day. It's my Lord's day. And, it will be a busy one for me.

P will be coming to dinner with her family. I am looking forward to having them, here. So, before I hit the hay tonight, I suppose I had better get a move on and do some things, to prepare.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams.

Until next time...