Sunday, April 11, 2010

Gratefulness?

Before I forget, I want to apologize to my friend J, because I had forgotten that J not only had to work on her taxes, but also had a birthday celebration for her brother, on Friday! While I thought she couldn't enjoy dinner with M & D on Friday, due to working on her taxes, I was incorrect. She enjoyed dinner with her family. Happy 48th Birthday P!

Also, I need to ask for prayer for my friend W, who was celebrated by me and other friends, yesterday. Not only was she at the hospital in pain, but on top of all her current health problems, it seems she may have a kidney stone. Your continued prayer would be appreciated. Thank you. May God bless you.

Last night, I slept fairly well. Again, I dreamed a 'not-so-great' dream, but Gordon was in it.

This morning I awoke, feeling like I really need to try to get a handle on my grief. Recently, I read that the average person grieves 18-24 months. When I read it, I actually said aloud, "No way! I can't do this!".

Now, I know that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me, but to think of feeling the way I have been feeling for 18-24 months, would be like experiencing a slow and painful death. Hmmm...then again, heaven would be great!

Seriously, this grief-sorrow that I feel is so bad that I know if I didn't have Jesus with me, I couldn't make it through even one day!

I'm tired of praying and asking God to either take me to heaven or heal me. Sometimes, I feel like my pain is just a continuation of Gordon's suffering, for he felt like this, too. So, my prayers of late have been different. I've been asking God to reveal to me why I am not healing well through my grief and what I can do about it.

I need to qualify what I just said. Most people think I'm doing well. In fact, many people tell me I'm doing great. Let's face it, other people just see what I project of myself, not what I am feeling inside. From the outside, I look like I'm doing okay. I just don't feel like I'm going to make it through this trial, unless God intercedes for me. So, I've asked Him to intercede and show me the way. I've asked this before, many times, but until today, I have not had a response from Him; I'll elaborate further, a little later in this entry.

After worship service, I went to the cemetary, to Gordon's grave. I know, I was just there, yesterday on the 6 month anniversary of his death. When I got up this morning, I decided I would not go, today. Later, I decided I would, but wondered if I should be going so often. Maybe once a week is too much. Maybe I shouldn't go at all.

This is a question that is not easy to answer. My friend/realtor C, whose wife died last April, isn't able to visit his wife B's grave very often; he says he's glad about this. This weekend was the first time in several months that he visited B's grave, for her grave is up north, where his family members are buried. He is still grieving. So, maybe I'm not as unusual or slow in my grief, as I sometimes think I am.

Still, I wonder if going to Gordon's grave isn't good for me. Today, I sat on a lawn chair at his grave, for about forty minutes. Singing, crying, talking to him and to God. Praying. Asking for direction and healing.

Then, on I went to Pastor B's small church group at 4:00 pm. Even though I had decided previously that I wouldn't attend, today, I am glad I did. As I've mentioned in the past, I don't worship with his flock regularly. However, on Easter, when I sang special music during worship, Pastor B began a 4-week sermon-series with the focus being on forgiveness.

You may have heard me say that I could write a book about forgiveness; if not, you have now. With all the problems I've had in my life, if I hadn't been able to forgive others, I'd be insane or dead. Next to salvation, forgiveness is the next most needed gift everyone needs and needs to extend to others. This is a topic for another day.

However, I must say that when Pastor B spoke about being ungrateful, he used an example of a mother whose young son had died. The mother was grieving and couldn't stop feeling horrible. He explained that it may have been due to being unforgiving, in the sense of being ungrateful. Explaining further, he discussed how we need to be grateful in all things. I suppose I've heard this a thousand times and have even quoted scripture to others about this, but it struck me right in my heart.

Am I being ungrateful to God, while grieving Gordon? Maybe so. While I've stated repeatedly that I am thankful that Gordon was in my life, that we married, that Gordon was saved, etc. It only dawned on me today, that possibly I am thinking too much about my loss, instead of being happy I had Gordon in my life, at all. I know I haven't yet been able to get a handle on it; the pain of my loss is so very great. Especially since he was one person in my life I could say actually loved me. And, it hurts to know that love is gone.

Still, I'm going to try thinking about Gordon in a more positive light. I've prayed to God to help me be thankful for the time I had with Gordon. Hopefully, this will help. Maybe I'm ready to do this, now. I tried it before, but every time I thought about good things with him, I just became overwhelmed with pain and sorrow about losing him and would fall apart, emotionally.

Father, if it is your will, I ask that you heal me and others who are grieving the loss of loved ones. I also ask for wisdom and guidance with this problem and thank you, in advance. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.


Until next time...